3:28am

Chapter One

12:53 am

I log into my tumblr. I know it's beyond cliché to have a tumblr nowadays, but I still have one. I love the art and the aesthetics on it. My laptop screen shines bright against my hollow and dark eyes. I scroll through my dashboard, seeing cries and pleas for love and affection. I can't help but feel the same.

Darkness cascades down from the pits of the earth into my soul. I have forgotten what it feels like for my skin to gleam in the sunshine, for me to get brain freeze from the soft chocolate ice cream, to run through fields as if there were no responsibilities. It's been like this for four years. Started by deafening loneliness, added on by the stresses of high school.

I scroll through some more. It's 1:26 am. My mom is fast asleep, so she wouldn't come check on me. I am strictly not allowed to have electronics past my bedtime, but my mom forgot to take my laptop tonight. I usually can't sleep, anyways. I'm practically nocturnal. I fall asleep during my classes, and scroll on tumblr while listening to music that matches the mood of my soul during the night hours. My teachers don't give a shit about what I do anymore. I've been inpatient twice, and every time the hospital alerted the school of why I won't be  there for the next week or so. They've grown to pity me, so they let me skip, be on my phone, or sleep during their classes. The perks of being depressed.

I turn on my nighttime playlist, I make playlists for every occasion, and zone out. The Weeknd, Teen Suicide, and The Neighbourhood all serenade me on my journey down the meaningless depths of the internet, where I find a vast amount of comfort. The internet is a safe spot for me. Not just because I go by a different name than my in real life name, but it feels like I can be myself with zero judgement, like I am understood more. And it's not like I'm an asshole to people, I'm just able to speak when I'd wish to do so and people like what I have to say. I go by Jade online, with my real name being Natalie. Natalie is the insecure, emotional, lonely little girl who has consumed me for the past couple of years. Jade is the confident, important, and valuable girl who I want to be but simply can't. Natalie's can't be Jade's, just like how 2 plus 2 can't equal 5.

7:00 am.

I wake up, and brush the sleep from my eyes. My laptop ended up on my floor (again). I make a mental note to try to take better care of it. I shower quickly. Despite many people saying that people in a bad emotional state don't take care of themselves, I always try to wash my hair daily and brush my teeth twice a day. It's not for other people, it's for me. It feels gross to me to lay with greasy hair and morning breath.

I throw on the first couple presentable clothing items I see. A grey baggy turtle neck sweater, leggings, and an even baggier denim jacket. I also try to remain stylish for myself. I put my hair in a bun on the top of my head, quickly do my makeup, and run outside to catch the bus.

8:45 am.

I am tired in class. It is history, and the teacher is extremely oblivious (or doesn't care) when people are on their phones, so I draw mine out. I check my notifications bar. A certain unfamiliar notification stands out to me.

Tumblr: reclusivebird- "I love your feed. Keep it up <3."

Messages like these always seem to put a smile on my face. I love people who seem to care about you. However, something about this message intrigued me. I barely recognized the account. I must of followed them by mistake. I scroll through their blog. It's mostly movies, photos they have taken, and sensual quotes. The quotes aren't even corny, so I like that. I type back a quick, half-hearted response. "Thank you so much, and I love your photos as well." I quickly put my phone away before I annoy my teacher too much.

A/N:
Short chapter. Thank you for reading 🌈🌷