SHEATHED

Saturday nights 2

Something was wrong and she could feel it. She wasn't herself. That much she knew but what exactly was wrong, she found hard comprehending. Although by six she was awake, she actually slept past three today and that's a real blessing in her world. She's eating breakfast that she actually prepared and she's thinking for once and not crying her eyes out. Hell she's listening to music! Depressing music but music all the same. She's feeling again and she's not even aware because if she were, she'd have crawled back into her shell and invited in the only voice she could trust. Herself.

You see there's no demon or some kind of spiritual entity in her mind. It's her conscience .
A part of herself that tells her that she doesn't deserve happiness. A constant reminder to sorrow. An unconscious brewing of self hatred that settles in the back of her mind but instead of a tiny voice, it's loud , it's clear, it's demanding and it believes in what it believes. And to her, no one deserves to hurt, which is true, so something as trivial as a sarcastic comment about how lovely your dress is deserves a punch to the face and goodness gracious if she made such a comment.

She doesn't get that the world is not all rainbows and sunshine. She doesn't understand that you need the pain to be better. To be greater. To be something more. You find yourself in certain situations where it's necessary to be hurt so you can move on. Contrary, she believes the world should be rid of pain and even though we'd sincerely all want that, the fact is it's not. So we thrive through and we learn from the pain and then we thrive harder. That's being human.She's been through some pretty hard times and it's led her to feeling helpless and being a little delusional and prone to a very possible psychological problem but she's strong in her faith of thriving through. Even through her messed up mind, she knows death is never the answer. Even if she tried, she just couldn't.

But the voice, it torments her. It speaks to her soul and whispers 'you deserve this.' And that's the thing. She believes it. She hurt them. She couldn't save them.

Or could she?