I Can't

Part 1

They never talked about it. It didn't register as an option in their marriage. How was she going to tell him; would he be angry; would he be happy. She didn't know. She didn't even know if it was true. She had to wait till Monday when she had her half day. Was going to run into the village to discuss it with Dr. Clarkson. She was afraid that her lump was back bringing cancer along for the ride this time. This time it felt different a good different maybe? Even though she felt like she was knocking on deaths door.

Charles kept looking at her wishing she would let him in. all he wanted was to know what was wrong with his beloved wife. But that seemed too hard to ask when dealing the stubborn Scot.

Show would know on Monday.

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What felt like an eternity was only two days but finally Monday came.

She left Downton with Mrs. Patmore by her side just like the first time. She knew it was wrong not to bring Charlie, but she was being selfish for once in her life and she wanted to be the one to break the news to her Charlie. So, taking Beryl Patmore was the next best thing. She couldn't face this alone and evens he could admit that.

Upon their arrival at the clinic a nurse directed them to an exam room where they were instructed to wait for Dr. Clarkson.

Twenty minutes later Dr. Clarkson arrived after some awkward small talk between the women and Elsie threatening to leave if Clarkson didn't show up soon.

"so, Mrs. Carson I hear you think your lump is back but with cancer this time" he stated not even sitting down wanting to get right to business as soon as possible.

"yes, well you see for the past few days now I've been feeling more tired than normal my breasts haven been abnormally sore and I've been throwin' up everythin' and anythin' I eat. Even though I really haven't been able to stomach a lot if any food at all. I hope that maybe it's just me going through the *cough* change but I have already done that" she whispered nervously

"well I can run a few tests if you'd like see what is wrong but I'm pretty sure that it sounds like you might be with child Mrs. Carson. Before you say it yes, it is possible for someone of any age to become pregnant it is just very unlikely once a woman goes through the change" Clarkson stated

"well I can assure you that I am not pregnant and under no circumstances can I become pregnant I was told that I was barren years ago when I was a wee lass that's why I even went into service" Elsie scoffed it was a wound she never knew how to heal and just the mere thought of having children or children in general hurt her more than she ever thought possible

"well the only way to know for sure is to run a test now I will need a urine sample in this cup for the test the loo is right around the corner whenever you are ready" he stated handing her a cup "now I know someone some time ago has told her that you couldn't have children and this may be painful for you but I need you to do this Mrs. Carson for your sake and for that of the child you may or may not be carrying"

"aye your right Dr. Clarkson" Elsie sniffed silently walking towards the lavatories

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"Well that was better news then I thought it would be" Beryl said as they walked back to the abbey

"yes, it is but you mustn't tell anyone not even Mr. Carson not till I know for sure and even then, till I know for sure it will last" Elsie said turning towards her friend. She was in a trance of sorts as they walked towards the abbey towards her husband the man who may have or may not have given her everything she ever dreamed of in life. Even though she didn't know how she was going to tell Charlie she didn't know what to think or say or even do now.