To all the boys I've ever loved

Part II. To: P-

To all the boys I've ever loved (?)
Part II. To: P-

Oh boys... I'm pretty sure my crush on you it's still a big fucking secret... Or a big fucking forgotten mess. Hopefully! Me liking you would be a HUGE mistake if people found out. I do regret not making a move on you, i'm pretty sure you're a great ass boyfriend... I know it, i've seen it, so yeah i regret it a lot, i would've missed out on a lot of heartbreaks if i was with you. Or you would have rejected me and ruin everything, part of the reason i never told you anything, i wanted to keep the friendship.

I still think about you, you were so mean and cold yo everyone else but so swret to me, which led to me liking you a lot... A whole fucking lot. I was so scared people would find out.

Out 6am talks on Skype... Till we agreed to go to sleep. Our confession nights. I found you so fucking cute :(

But then i backed out for someone else, for you, for her. She had a bigger chance with you, someone else knew, someone else was trying to help her set you both up. It sucks. I was so dumb and i was truly trying to keep the friendship. Only i knew that would be the start of a lot of jealousy.

I backed out, but i still liked you a lot, and then you got close to someone else and regret and jealousy filled my whole body. I remember my days so sad and blue, wishing i was her. What did she have that i don't? GUTS. Guts to make a move on you, not like me.

Took me a while to get over you... But only did i know, after this little big heartbreak, a lot of small heartbreaks would come that would cause me a lot of damage to my heart and self-esteem.

Maybe no one will ever truly like me.

Maybe i don't deserve love and to be happy.