A Place We Knew

[1] How It All Began

Chapter 1: How It All Began

My mama always told us "One day, you'll realize why God did what He did." And I've always acted like I didn't hear what she just said but the truth is, it's always on my mind. Not at the top of my other thoughts but on the deeper part of my brain, always there but not quite as loud. Silently sitting there waiting for its chance to unveil itself.

Today is June 14th , 2020. My family and I are at the airport waiting for our flight to the Philippines. As I stare at my mama, I realized how incomplete she looks without Papa beside her. They've always held hands or Papa would put his arm around her or just the tips of their fingers touching, their skin would always touch each other unconsciously as if it had magnets and we've always found it fascinating.

When we were kids, they told us that they never had this big dramatic love story that would make us ball our eyes out. Their love was simple and quite. They met at college, it was love at first sight according to Papa but for Mama it was different. Papa was that typical guy who had girls swooning (Papa's words, not mine) on his feet and Mama wasn't all too giddy about that. But he didn't give up, he became her friend first, the first person mama would go to when she had problems and eventually they became lovers and got married then had us. They said the relationship was all about respect and trust.

But all of that changed when Papa got into a car accident. A drunk teenager who thought it would be okay to drive was the reason. He tried to avoid the swerving car but he didn't notice a truck was coming and his car got hit. The doctors tried to revive him but it was too late. We lost our father that day and mama lost the love of her life.

It was ironically 3 am when I found out about what happened, tinatapos ko plates ko kasi sunod-sunod deadlines namin. I heard my mom knocking on my kuya's door in a hurry and I wanted to see if she was okay but she looked broken, she wasn't crying but her hand was shaking, she looked pale, and her eyes looked empty.

"Mama, anong nangayri?" I asked at tinitigan niya lang ako sandali bago sabihing,

"Wala na si Papa, anak." Then she hugged me but all I could do was stare at nothing kasi parang tumigil yung mundo ko then my Kuya opened the door and grabbed the car keys from my mama's hand and told me to stay home para bantayan yung mga bunso naming kapatid.

"Yso, stay here. Baka maghanap sila Klaui." That's what Kuya said bago sila nagmamadaling umalis ni mama.

You don't know what grief is until your sitting on your room hugging your father's picture wishing that it was you who was gone instead of him. Wishing his arms were around you telling you that everything's going to be okay.

You don't know what grief is until it's 3 am and your tears feel like it's never gonna stop but instead of making you feel better it hurts more when you cry because reality is slowly sinking in.

I don't remember how long I cried that night but all I could remember was my little brother knocking on my door asking me where papa, mama and kuya were and I didn't know what to say to him because how could you tell your little brother that the person he looked up to the most is gone? The person who promised they'll go to Disneyland the following month isn't gonna be able to keep his promise anymore? You can't so you lie. You tell him they had to do something important so it's just gonna be you, him and his twin sister having breakfast together. And you indulge them by ordering their favorite breakfast from McDonald's. You act like everything's fine even though everything is falling apart, even though you're falling apart. Because if you're not gonna be strong, who will?

"Ate, what time uuwi sila Papa? He promised we'll watch Antman today right?" Para akong sinaksak nung sinabi niya yon. Right, we we're gonna watch a Marvel movie today. It's a tradition of ours to watch marvel movies together. Di ko alam sasabihin ko sa kanya. I can't tell him our Papa will never be able to go home anymore so I just lied again for the second time. "I don't know yet. I'll call mama after we eat, okay?"