All Paranormal Games That You Should Not Play

Celestial Anchorites

This ritual will allow you meet a Celestial Anchorite. Celestial Anchorites are divine scribes who live in seclusion, always recording the happenings of the world around them. They live cloistered existences, usually in bustling cities where there is more to record. In our hectic, fast-paced modern world, there are more of these entities than ever before. So, you might ask, what is the point of disturbing their solemn work? The reward for distracting them from their divine duties is the answer to any single question you have. They are more than happy to impart their knowledge, even if you ask about the future. You can ask about the price of a stock, how to make a certain person fall in love with you, and even inquire into the inner mechanics of the universe. Their knowledge is limitless. A Celestial Anchorite will not lie, not omit any necessary details, and not seek to cheat you.

This is not a particularly difficult or dangerous ritual. There are, however, certain preliminary conditions that you must meet before doing the ritual.

1. You must be relatively pure of body and mind. Go in with a—relatively—clean conscience. So try to make amends, volunteer, or donate some amount. If you are catholic, confess your sins. This is entirely subjective, but the feeling must be real.

2. Refrain from any drinking, drugs, or sex for at least 48 hours before meeting the Celestial Anchorite. They are divine creatures after all.

3. Bring a gift as tribute as well; it does not have to be anything major. Celestial Anchorites will not demand your firstborn nor a fortune. A treasured memento from your past is ideal. Even a bottle of good wine should be suffice if you treasure your mementos too much (or have none available).

4. Make sure you wear a respectable outfit when you try to visit them. A tuxedo is not necessary. Just try to avoid tank tops or sweat pants.

5. Celestial Anchorites only entertain guests in spring or autumn. Make sure you plan accordingly.

First, you must identify the lair of your quarry. Celestial Anchorites live in larger cities; anything above 100,000 people will do. Unfortunately, you cannot intentionally just pick a city. It has to come you naturally. This is a bit difficult to put into words, but have you ever had a craving to visit a random city? If so, then that is a city where you might find your quarry. You have to pick a city that feels right. Just pay attention until you stumble upon the name of a city that you are drawn to.

When you identify a city, visit it and explore the town. Go wherever feels right. This is probably the most dangerous part of the ritual. For example, I do not recommend visiting Camden, New Jersey at night. Regardless, continue to walk aimlessly until you find an apartment building that draws your attention. You will know if it is the right one. Go up to it and open the door. If there are any barriers such as a lock or gate, then turn around and leave immediately. DO NOT BREAK IN. This is not the location of a Celestial Anchorite. They are shy creatures but they will never turn away a guest. Return to your hotel, enjoy the rest of your stay, but give up your quest for the time being. There is no penalty for failure. The heavens will not strike you down and world will keep on spinning. Feel free to try again—if you are quick enough—even in the same season.

If the door is open or unlocked, then enter. This next step is important. Knock on three doors of your choice. If anyone answers them, leave the building and end your quest for the time being. If no one answers, however, you are very close to meeting a Celestial Anchorite. Next, pick one more door at random and knock. If someone answers, greet him or her with the following line:

“How can you say, ‘We are wise, for we have the law of the Lord,’ when actually the lying pen of the scribes has handled it falsely?”

If they answer with the following line, you are standing in front of a Celestial Anchorite:

“The wise will be put to shame; they will be dismayed and trapped. Since they have rejected the word of the Lord, what kind of wisdom do they have?”

It will invite you inside. Enter and rejoice for you are one of the few people to ever meet a Celestial Anchorite. Now a warning; these entities demand respect. Treat your host as you would any other distinguished host. Of course, you do not have stand on formalities for your entire visit. Simply avoiding insulting it and make sure to say thank you and please.

Be patient with the entity. It is a welcoming host and a charming conversationalist. It is understandably very eager for your knowledge and will ask you many questions. It will goad you to say more and more, and dissect each word you say with bated breath. Oblige it, even if takes hours. In the meantime, admire the surroundings. Celestial Anchorites never live in large homes, but the abodes they do make tend to be simply, but beautifully, arranged and decorated. They often have trinkets from past epochs of humanity’s history. Feel free to inquire about them. After all, you do have all of the time in the world. If you wear a watch, you might notice that it is no longer ticking. Look out the window and you might notice that time has frozen. Leaves will stop falling. Rain will stand still. The sky will never turn dark. You are no longer in our world.

When you finally sense a lull, announce that it is time to take your leave. The Celestial Anchorite will undoubtedly be silent. They are lonely creatures and even they yearn for companionship. It might attempt to dissuade you from leaving. Do not—I repeat—do not, under any circumstances say anything implying that you will stay. If you accept, your life is forfeit and you may never leave. Not even death will release you. This apartment will become your prison until the divine trumpets sound and the Dragon once more walks upon the earth.

The temptations will begin simply enough. The Celestial Anchorite might offer you dinner. It might offer to let you stay until it stops raining or snowing. It might offer to let you stay the night. Refuse all of these offers.

The façade of normality will begin to dissipate. The ceiling might begin to rain with gold and other trinkets, and it will offer you unimagined riches. The room might suddenly fill with bookshelves, each shelved with unfamiliar and strange books. It will offer you the chance to read these tomes, and uncover all of the secrets of the universe. In order to allure the lonely to stay, it might slowly take an attractive, seemingly angelic form, its beauty rivalling that of Helen of Troy or Narcissus, and offer an eternal true love found only in fantasy.

Turn down all of these offers. In desperation, it might begin to hint of the splendor of immortality, and call you a fool for turning down a chance to live forever. It might began to shriek of the impending ruin of humankind. Finally, it might even insinuate that there is no heaven—or that you are damned to hell anyway—and that to refuse its offer is to throw yourself into the darkness. Ignore these lies. Stay silent if you are too weak to unambiguously refuse.

Finally, it will fall to its knees, and begin to beg and cry. It will offer anything you desire. Demand one thing: the courtesy due to all guests. Then ask your question.

It will slowly get up and give you the answer you seek. It will tell you exactly what you want to hear. It will not omit any details no matter how gruesome nor disturbing. It will not lie to you. It will not obscure your answer by being vague or obstinate. It knows exactly what you want and will give it to you. Once you have your answer, graciously offer your thanks and leave. Go back to your hotel and sleep soundly; your quest is over.

One final note: Celestial Anchorites do not stay at the same place after a visit. If you return, there will be nothing there but an empty room or a confused tenant. You must go to a different city and repeat the same process again if you wish to make another visit.