lou | jaehwall

hyunjoon

when i arrive downstairs with eric, i see long lost but gravely familiar faces, all of them rising in my awaited presence. each of them has put on a different expression; juyeon a silent but comforting smile, sunwoo and his meaningful gaze, and hakyeon with his eyes puffy from excessive crying and to my surprise, he didn't even give an ounce of effort to hide it. but it doesn't take long until i feel the dreadful silence creeping from every corner of my unorganized and a mess of a living room, the ticking of my grandfather's clock thankfully louder than my rapid heartbeat as everyone exchange nervous glances here and there—as if they've waited this moment for so long but now that it's actually here, they all stare like deers caught in headlights.

"you look better than i'd expected, hyunjoon," sunwoo, being better witted than anyone else in the room, chose the safest approach.

i know that it's always been this way since jaehyun died, even way back after what happened with mom.

hyunjoon and his extenuating circumstances. can't do anything to hurt hyunjoon, because he's fragile as a china doll due to all the tragedy and trauma that has afflicted him.

"and what does that suppose to mean?" i ask, perhaps a little harsher than i had meant. eric stays by my side, a hand softly rubbing my nape to cool me down. sunwoo doesn't look at all budged as he used to when he gets it hard from me; i suppose some things do change as time passes by.

"that means it's a start." he gives a serious nod, and others join him.

"hyunjoon, you know what day it is today, right?" juyeon carefully, but a little foolishly, wonders aloud.

"of course he does, you dummy." haknyeon rolls his eyes. a few chuckles here and there.

i let out a deep, deep sigh. "i'm ready. let's go."

it had already stopped raining before we parked sunwoo's jeep outside of the cemetery. we don't usually ride sunwoo's vehicle anywhere because it couldn't fit all six back then, but since now it's only five of us, it fits like a glove, as if trying to state that jaehyun was never or shouldn't have been a part of the picture at all. i could tell everyone feels awful right now, because they're all paralyzed and thinking exactly what i'm thinking.

sunwoo turns the engine down. everyone is still as a statue, the rustling of the wind flying about the trees unexpectedly sounding more interesting than actually getting off the car.

until juyeon feels an unfair amount of time has past by, everyone steps out of the car. i am still stuck in a trance and it is pulling me longer and longer like a string just waiting to snap—but it doesn't, and it only gets thinner by the second. i can't bring myself to do it. i can't walk in there and not break down into a million pieces. i can't walk in there and not miss him. i just can't.

eric hops out last, but notices that i'm off. he grimly pats my shoulder, "hyunjoon, if you're not ready—"

"he has to be." sunwoo cuts him coldly off from the other side of the car. he opens the door wider in order to bend himself to my eye level. he's certainly gotten more dominant. he's looking at me with flames in his eyes.

he's angry.

"when was the last time you went to see or put flowers on the very soil keeping your dearest, precious love jaehyun?" he mocks, breaths getting heavier by the minute, and for a second i fear that he is going to implode. the tension between us is sizzling even with the cold wind outside.

"sunwoo, i don't think—" eric tries to speak up.

"shut up. i've had enough of you, hyunjoon."

he fiercely grabs me by the collar of my shirt and throws me off to the paved parking lot. i crash on my back. i keep a straight face and i don't fight him, no matter how painful his blows are. i let him do whatever he wants to vent the anger he'd swallowed since last year, and because he forgot to drink something cool, the rage has grown so big inside the pit of his stomach and anyone can tell he's ready to go whack. i don't think he ever changed—he just got better at controlling whatever's driving his emotions.

"you think you're so special, huh?" a hit here.

"you and your little extenuating circumstances?" a kick there.

"you think you're the only one suffering here?" he yanks my collar again, this rage more bitter than before. i can feel his hot breath against my damp cheeks, his face a mere inch to mine. the last time i saw him this angry was when some street toughs tried to mess around with haknyeon, and sunwoo had beat them into pulps recognized as rotten eggs. i remember the cold-blooded gleam of abomination in his eyes—they were of a beast's. never had i ever thought that one day those eyes would turn against me.

sunwoo is lifting an arm, preparing for his next assault when an unfamiliar voice calls him out in a exasperated shout, followed by multiple footsteps rushing towards us.

"sunwoo!"

he freezes, his fist still in the air. he looks behind him at the person pulling him by the arm, lifting the weight off of my stomach.

i marvel at the sight. i see a dashing, black- coated, young man with a body ratio almost twice my size with a canopy of soft dark locks hanging in front his eyes. his complexion is white as snow, and his eyes a beautiful almond. as beautiful as a sun-kissed moon, one would say. and to think i couldn't possibly imagine someone better looking than jaehyun.

"sunwoo, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" the man faces sunwoo in a very unpleasant way, almost like a parent about to ground their child. apparently, he is close enough to sunwoo to know about his anger issues. sunwoo glares at me still; a glare that says, i could spit at you right now.

"hyunjoon, are you okay? i'm so sorry, i went to get help," i look over to my bilateral sides and see eric with another man i've never seen before until today, their arms purposely extended to me. i immediately accept their help and rise from the ground. although i feel a sharp pain in my back, i ignore it, shaking my head as an answer to eric's question.

i turn to the other nice-looking guy, "i don't suppose we've met before?"

"oh, no, definitely not. but i'm changmin, ji changmin." we shake hands, "me and younghoon are sunwoo's friends from college."

ah, of course.

"i apologize for younghoon," he bows and resumes, "he's been a little moody since sunwoo asked us to come today."

"sunwoo asked you to come?"

changmin hesitates for a moment, until he decides to speak. "well, you see, thing is, younghoon and jaehyun used to date in the past, right? but then younghoon had to study abroad so they broke up and he never heard from neither of jaehyun nor juyeon anymore—which i'm guessing you already know—and sunwoo, obviously clueless of the situation, broke the news about jaehyun's death only... three days ago? it really devastated him."

jaeuhyun had an ex-boyfriend?