THERE'S SOMETHING IN ME

WONDERING WHY

 I wondered, what if I will do all things I want? does it bring any harm? does it hurt myself? I want to play different games but my parents won't allow me. Is there something wrong about me? Is there something wrong playing physical games towards me? I did'nt get the point.

One time, I had a dream. It's so white, bright, and shiny. I saw a stairs, a very long stairs upward. My curiousity killed my mind that why I go up through the stairs. Then when I reached at the top, I was shocked what I saw. I saw a gate, a huge golden gate. I shouted "hi? hello? Is there anybody here? hey? where am I?" Then my dream just stopped because my alarm started to sound.

One day, I was supposedly to eat my breakfast but unfortunately my head is aching, that feeling when you want to get a stone and crash it in your head, that feeling when you want to crash your head to the walls due to it's painful feeling. My mom and dad immediately come towards me and they comfort me like saying 'just calm, boy', ' that's the effect of your sleepless night' . Then the pain suddenly disappears. I want to think deeper about my health but my mom told me i'm healthy. That's why I don't think something bad towards my health.

As I sat alone under a Nara tree nearby our house, I suddenly feel something about my head, it's aching, it's not as a usual headache I usually encountered, this is so different and so much pain I feel inside. I did nothing but waited this pain to stop for me to relieve and to be stable. Then I immediately go home.

As I walked slowly near to our house, my eyesight gets blurry, I saw our payag but not the people who's there, everything I see is blurry until I feel something I can't resist, I want to walk faster but my legs can't, I want to shout but my lips couldn't, then I fell down and out my balance. I didn't reach our payag which was built by my father together with our neighbor to serves as their place to jam, chill, and relax, everyone was on panic, I only hear voices shouting and crying. I didn't feel myself anymore. Then my eyes suddenly closed.

As I lay down from room 201 in Ramon Magsaysay General Hospital, I heard someone says "Ma'am, the brain tumor of your son is very malignant, it's already a stage 4 cancer. It's up to you ma'am if you're gonna let us perform an operation for your son's condition but for us the neurologists ma'am, If this is our situation is that we won't let our son suffer from operation which can lead to a short time living. If you'll accept the operation ma'am, we can gain a little, just a little information of your son's condition plus he might get hurt ma'am. But it's still up on your decision ma'am and sir." I just think why my Parents didn't tell me about this. But I know there's a reason for everything.

"I already decided doc to have an operation for my son, I will do everything. I know he can fight his condition. He is brave, he is strong. I don't care about what might happen, all I want now is to do everything for him, to do something that can help his condition whatever the cost maybe." My mother said while her tears falling down to the pillow I used.

"My son! You can do it, you're a strong boy. We hide this situation to you because we know that you'll gonna think yourself as a coward or something negative to yourself. You'll gonna blame yourself for not being a healthy one. We make this as a secret one because the doctor said when you're still a baby that hiding this situation to you can prevent disturbance to your mind, it can affect your mind if you'll gonna overthink things like this. If only I can steal all the pain you feel right now, I already do when you're still a baby. We're so sorry, oh son. Please fight for yourself. Do not give up."

The moment I awoke, I saw a light from above, a man who offer his hand for me to hold it saying "Take this hand my son, for this is your time" and here I am willing to hold his hand and be with him. The time when I stand holding the hands of the man, I saw myself, I saw myself lying in bed with my parents beside it together with the doctor, they are all crying and full of hopes for me to be alive. But it's already my time. This is the saddest part of my life leaving my treasured persons in my life, but God has a plan, a reason, and a purpose. They may not be able to see me personally, but I'm always with them, watching and guiding for every footsteps they might take.

Sometimes, all we can do is to believe God, For God has the biggest authority to do all things according to His will. Even though we lost a loved ones, but still we gained another angel to guide and protect us from harm. It's painful at the start but God will make that 'painful starts' to a meaning one, not just a meaningful ending, but a meaningful life. Don't you ever think to end your existence just because of the problems you are facing, because there is someone who fights for their life to be alive. So if problems or any trials will enter your life, do not give up. You are not alone. you are not lonely. There is someone behind your back. It's God. You are not alone with all your problems. You are not alone with every decisions you will take. You are not alone dealing with sadness. Because there is someone who can surely help you. It's God.