Ever since I was a young boy, I would question the legitimacy of religion. Never did I believe those who found sanctity in the scheme of a higher nature watching over us to be unintelligent, however I found their lack of evidence to support their fanaticism unsettling. I would be mendacious to say it is not disturbing that an individual can so easily pick up the idea. No matter how much I contemplated it, no conclusions were made. How could a person possibly induce themselves into perusing the cult visions they align with lacking rationale?
It was not long ago that this outlook attached itself to me like an insect caught in a spider's silk, yet, a single experience was all that was needed to modify my mind. It was a gelid, December night. I sat alongside my fireplace, solemnly collecting myself after a laborious day. The rifle polish I had been utilizing hours before ran out and groups of revolvers and shotguns lay in chaotic piles. My objective that day was to have them all prepared and ready to vend for tomorrow. Frustrated at this flaw in my project, I decided to head out to acquire a new batch so work could continue. Grabbing my jacket, I opened the door to my domicile, when a thought emerged as I glanced at a firearm. "If I were to kill myself, I would not have to continue this arduous task." I had uttered to myself. A light giggle exited my mouth, as if this was all one gigantic joke. I closed my door as a memory jolted within thought. It was a lesson that I had attained in the brief time period I went to Sunday school as a youth. The recollection was of me standing in my class next to the pastor. I had queried him on what the point of life was and why would putting a termination to it be so unethical. He had explained to me in a remarkably blunt style, simply saying that taking your own life would send you to Hell. Now, if there was anything that resonated in me about religion, was the netherworld. My short times on religion were centered on Christianity, solely due to their idea on what would happen if you did not. It all rushed back to me so fast during the moment I stood next to my doorway. I placed my jacket back on its rack and proceeded to the fire. I sat melancholically with the guns scrambled around. I could not take my eyes off the mound of rifles and revolvers. The fire crackled and fizzed, I glanced at it and returned my eyes to the piles of guns, nonetheless, I felt an acute temptation to peer at the fire once more, and I did, this time not removing my eyes. I began to feel a sudden urge to weep, "Is this my future?" I queried to myself, gazing deeper and deeper into the flames. I felt my body wanting to edge closer, wanting to embrace the blaze and allow it to consume me. Suddenly, I jerked myself backwards in terror. "Jesus Christ!" I yelled with a furious shock. "This is my future..." My stomach churned in disbelief, I bolted outside my house, for I felt as if the fire would devour everything around me. The sky was darkened by a ravenous blizzard, the frigid temperature wrapped itself around me. I collapsed to my knees and began to curse intensely. The snow completely covered my thighs in its chilling embrace. I fell backwards and centered my vision upon the sky. "You sure like playing games, don't you? Fiddling with my mind as if you were a child! I do not desire damnation! Please accept me as your child, forgive me for my blasphemy!" My words echoed into the cosmos as they penetrated deep within the atmosphere. I knew right then what needed to be achieved, I would have to gain the acceptance of God. I needed to know for certain that he loved me...
This avidity for obtaining approval swelled inside of me, like a tumor it grew ferocious. I became a believer, have you no doubt, but I had to satisfy this need somehow, no matter the circumstance at which it will be achieved. I was primed to do anything for Christ, I loved Him, I was besotted by the very thought of Him. Every day, my verve grew; nothing could stop the hunger... it was relentless. My prayer sessions grew ever longer; in complete darkness I would bow down for hours in hopes that a response would retort my calls for a sign, but none would answer. I was determined to continue my search for approval until a rupture in pattern occurred as a signed beamed itself forth. An epoch of a single year past before my search was finally concluded. My mind had fully devoted itself to the Holy Trinity at that point. My house was left unkept during that time span as every second of time had to be spent on worship. The paintings on my walls grew chalky and engulfed in webs, my floor was home to a clan of insects and mice, lanterns that hung from my ceiling were visibly out of fuel for months, and the guns lay untouched as they had the same night my epiphany was reached. I was continuing the same routine I had for the past months when I decided to rise my hands for the first time that week. I shambled to my bathroom and pushed the rusted lever backwards that stuck out upon my faucet as a steady stream of water emerged from the nozzle. As I leaned in to place my knuckles into the water, I perceived a strange occurrence that propagated itself in my mirror. My reflection in the glass did not replicate my actions but rather continued to stand still. I shut the water off to examine the duplicate. It seemed frozen in time; its eyes remained shut. It seemed devoid of life. I tried to contact the glass with my hand, but as I got close, the being's eyes opened, and a blinding white light shined out. I screamed out in horror, "What are you!" I demanded. The copy's eyes began to let out a red, viscous fluid as faint moans proclaimed it to be none other than God. The word "Allah" formulated into the mirror; quickly, as if in the presence of a king, I bowed down. "How I have longed for your arrival Father, I have just a sole inquiry to present to your being. What is the final stride I must endure to finally connect with thou?" I begged. The being in the mirror continued its stance, as the moans around me demanded one thing.
"Blood...blood...blood...kill...sacrifice...pure...blood...indulge...pain..." They groaned. It all made sense in my evangelist mind.
"Thank you, oh holy father." I articulated as I exited my bathroom and entered my living room where the fire churned in its place and the rifles lay. My body seized one of the large bore-lever action rifles and a collection of rounds. I griped a knife and fixed it to my belt as I left my house equipping my jacket. The sky seemed to be unchanged as to when the last time I left here with purpose. The blizzard still raged on, snowflakes sprinkled around me, and the chilling cold grasped me. I had to locate my sacrifice. My mind grew starved to see pain, I wanted so badly to watch suffering unfold in the name of Christ. My search went long into the dead of the night. At last, after hours of search, a proper quarry was discovered. My mouth watered when I saw her, walking alone. She was a stunningly attractive person; her hair was flowing, and her smile could ward away Satan. I tracked her close behind, waiting for the perfect moment to carry out my plan. She halted in front of an ancient church when a pastor walked out to greet her. He was a lanky, grievous looking entity; the building behind him added to his mischievous nature. The church was towering and made of stone. It stood almost as a pillar to mark where my act of evangelion shall take place; as if to indicate where God shall gaze down upon me. It was the time to carry out my duty, I lied down on my stomach and steadied the barrel of my rifle. They started to move down the roadway and stopped at a wall surrounding a huge garden to the right of the church. I held my breath and hauled the trigger. The shot rang out as a cry of war, the pastor had his skull crushed by my bullet and the girl had her arm mangled by a piece of shrapnel. The pastor leaned lifeless against the mossy and dank wall as I emerged from the forest that served as my cover. The women cried out in utter horror, a part of me felt bad that an individual of such beauty would have to die. She tried to run but fell over the man's body. Her bloodied arm was growing in pain. I was standing right over her when she began to sob, however, as I investigated her eyes, they almost seemed to be welcoming of me, like I would at least bring an end to whatever pain was pent up within her, but that was not the case, I lusted to bring more pain to her. I turned my rifle the other way and slammed the stock in her face as I howled menacingly. I then took the knife that was stuck to my belt and repeatedly punctured her. Her moans of pain only further motivated me; the moans turned to a shrill hiss, then soon, silence. I could not tell the exact moment when she finally succumbed, but it did not matter to me. Even as she lay dead, I continued to beat and stab her, driving my fists and weapon into her skull. "For the love of God!" I proclaimed, my vision growing ever so red and my mind falling ever deeper. Eventually, I grew tired, by the time I had fallen to fatigue, blood was all over my face and arms. I licked the gore and flesh off my lips as I screeched into the night. I took the woman's inert arm and transported her to back to my home. Her blood left it's identity etched into the snow as it seeped deep into the ground leaving behind a red, viscous fluid.
I opened my door and moved towards my restroom where I placed the body before the mirror where God once stood. I took a step backwards and looked upon my reflection. "T-the actions h-have been done. A-am I your child now, have I succeeded in pleasuring Him?" I asked confidently awaiting an answer. "U-uh hello?" I questioned. "Aren't y-you still here God? Oh, mighty Allah?" Still no answer presented itself. I began to shake violently, as if I became sobered to the severity of the situation. "You...l-lied to me god... I-I did what you asked! Why are you not happy?" I stated as I broke down in tears. "D-Damn you, Damn you! Damn me! Damn everything!" I left the body to rot in my bathroom and proceeded to the living room. My arms quaked violently as my eyes caught sight of the fire. Suddenly, knocks rang out at my door.
"Hello sir, we have received multiple reports of a gun-shot in the area. Do you have any information regarding this?" A man interrogated from the door. I kept my mouth shut and my body motionless as I maintained a blank stare centered upon the blaze. I stretched my arm outwards, feeling the inferno draw me in. The fire whispered to me, it told me to stop resisting, to learn to embrace the combustion- I could feel the fire burn within me. The wails of the damned echoed in my chamber and casted their hopeless yells upon my ears; sweat dripped from every pore that lay on my body. My whole being became entranced by the fire's spell. With one last breath, I flung my body, along with my soul, upon the scorching coals of the flame and into the lake of fire.
