Hope

I’ve known since I was in 5th grade. My cousin, very excited, rushed into my room when she got there that day after school.

                “Rayne… Oh my god, Rayne, I need to show you something. It’s hilarious,” She stated excitedly as she ran over to my laptop and went to YouTube.             

                Climbing out of my bed, I headed over to see what all the fuss was about. When I looked at the search bar, I was appalled, but intrigued. ‘Sex videos’ was written.

                “Jessica! What are you doing?!” I declared, shocked.

                “Oh, be quiet… Do you have any earbuds?” Running to my desk, I quickly grabbed them and went over with Jessica. She pressed play.

                The video was of two girls toying with each other. Nothing was exposed, but they were touching each other in all the right places… It made me feel funny. Like I had to pee—I had no idea what that meant at my young, vulnerable age. Just as I was saying this, my cousin said the words aloud. I agreed and we watched a few more videos until we closed it all out.

                “God… That’s so weird. What normal girl would ever want that? It’s just so… Ew, I can’t even,” Jessica started saying, immediately.

                I agreed quickly, but in the back of my mind I was wondering if it would really be that bad. They seemed to like it. And it’s not like I hadn’t thought girls were pretty before—hell, I’d even had a crush on a girl before, but I’d come to think it was simply a strong reaction to a good person. I was wrongly mistaken.

                It wasn’t until 9th grade that I came to accept myself for who I was. It was my best friend who unknowingly opened my eyes. After a few months of befriending her, I began to grow feelings for her. No one had ever been so honest to me. No one had treated me as someone important. No one had ever shown me they needed me. Not until I met her.

                Even after I developed a crush on her, I denied it. No, I couldn’t be gay. I was a Christian. I didn’t want to go to hell. No. I’d deny it. I’d keep living life as I had before.

                So I kept it a secret. But I knew… I finally knew one hundred percent… But I was still in denial. It was WRONG. It was a sin. It was unnatural. That’s what I heard daily about what I was.

               

                Fast forward almost exactly a year later, I knew I loved her. I stopped denying it to myself. She was the one for me. There would never be anyone else... Though she’d never feel the same way. She’d had many boyfriends and never even spoke about girls the way I thought of them. Impossible.

                Again, I was very wrong. A few months later, she came out to me as pansexual. She believed that it didn’t matter the gender—if you love someone, you love them. I took that moment to come out to her as well. We talked about it for a while… We were both comfortable with each other. She eventually went on to tell other people, while I stayed in the closet.

                At the end of that year, my other friend confessed her feelings for my best friend to me. I wasn’t sure how to react. She was so much prettier than me… I knew I’d never stand a chance. I tried to talk her out of it—saying that if it wouldn’t work out, she’d just end up losing their friendship. She told her. After about a month of confusion, they started dating.

                Now Vanessa, my best friend, was dating my other best friend. The girl I loved was dating someone else. A girl, no less. A girl that should’ve been me. But it was whatever. She was happy, so I was too. It was what was right. It’s not like it’d last. Vanessa was always against marriage, while Ashlyn had always wanted a ring and kids of her own. But knowing me, that’d be wrong too, wouldn’t it?

                About 6 months after their relationship began, Vanessa messaged me saying she loved Ashlyn more than anything. That she’d marry her one day. After that, all my desires for marriage left me. If I was ever going to marry anyone, it’d be her. No doubt about it. Yes, I wanted her to be happy… But that didn’t mean I had to be. And I wasn’t. I felt useless.

                My best friend had no time for me anymore. Stuck between schoolwork and her girlfriend we began to drift. She’d message me occasionally, but other than that we had very little communication. I tried to move on. I even had a few more crushes—but none were the same. Not once did I find anyone I’d want to be with like her.

                It’s been two years now… Two years since Vanessa and Ashlyn got together. They’re still together. Happy as ever. At least, that’s what their facebook statuses say. That’s what I read from them. That’s what ‘Ashlyn is married—with Vanessa’ must mean, right?

                Yes… They must be happy. So happy that they forgot to invite their former best friend to their wedding. It’s only been about 7 months since we lost contact. How do you lose a relationship that was once so strong? Love was supposed to bring everything together, but instead it tore everything apart? How could one high school crush have any effect over my life now? How could something that was supposed to mean so little still mean the world to me? Or should I say someone? Because I see former friends being married all the time… I don’t care. I guess I just thought… I thought she was still my friend.

She once told me that I was the one person who gave her hope that there was kindness in people.

Ironically enough, she is now the person who has taken that very hope from me…