The secrets we keep(clexa)

1)

Clarke POV:
It has been one week day since our people save return from the mount, they are all happy and rejoicing in the fact that we made it out . Though all I can think about is what Lexa did she kissed me then left me at the door of mount weather. When it first happened I seen it as a betrayal but when I pulled the lever irradiated Mount weather killing over 300 people. I seen it for what it was Lexa being the leader her people needed by always putting them first. Just like I did by pulling the lever I put my people first. That why as much as I want to run I can't I have to do what's best my people. So I put on a mask like I seen Lexa do so many times in the short time I've known her. I know that not everyone is buying the smile on by face but they don't know what happens when I'm alone in my room. They don't see me Break apart I can't tell them. I have nightmares of the people that have died because of me. I'm a Monster I killed innocent men,woman and children. how I'm I supposed to raise a child when all I see myself as is a monster. I killed the father of my own child she or he is going to hate me more then I all ready hate myself. As I'm falling further into my mind I feel a hand on my shoulder I look up to see Bellamy.
"Hey princess i though we could eat together before the meeting"
And i moment Bell said food my stomach grumbled
" thank you bell your the best"
I take the food from him as he sit down next to me. We talk about random things that we did on the ark and before I knew it we were walking into the meeting. My mum,Kane and Raven was sitting on one side of the table me and Bellamy took a sit across from them. Then Octavia walk in with Lincoln once everyone was sitting my mum starts talking about supply's. The meeting is over before I know it everyone but mum had left she takes the sit next to me. The look in her eyes tell me she has something to say and before I can stop myself from saying something it just comes out
"Whatever you have to say mum just get it out"
She looks at me with so much worry
"I just want to make sure that you are okay Clarke"
"Everyone is save what more can I ask for mum"
My mum look at me unsure I just smile and she seems to believe I'm okay. As the day when on I kept my mask on and my mind busy so know one would think something was wrong. Just after sunset I made my way my room as I was got to the door I didn't want to sleep in there. So I quickly grabbed a blanket and headed to the ladder for the roof. Sleep on top of the ark is uncomfortable but the stars are beautiful so it make up for it. I lay there staring at nothing. I take out my dagger as i remember all the burnt bodies lying on the floor of mount weather. I run the blade down on my arms and legs making small cuts deep that will scar. I add 15 cut to the ones I done over the last week and cry thinking of the last words Lexa said to her "May we meet again" hours pass tears still falling I whisper " may we meet again"
And then the darkness took over falling to sleep
a couple of hours later
I waking up in a cold sweat from a nightmare about wiping out the mount men. I take some time to calm down then make my way to my room for a nice hot bath. As I'm sitting in the bath I noticed that my hand are rising on my stomach. Tears slowly falling down my face and I whisper "I'm so sorry little one please forgive me" over and over again my whisper come to a stop when someone starts banging on the door. I quickly wrap a towel around myself and carefully pop my head out. To see Octavia
"The commander is come here to talk to you"
I'm in shock what does she want thing start running around my head. I'm snapped back to reality when Octavia try's to walk in I quickly said "I just got out the bath give me 5 minutes to get dressed"
"Okay meet you outside Clarke"
I sigh thinking how close Octavia was to see one of my secrets. I get dressed as fast as I can then almost run outside to meet Octavia. When I see her talk to Lincoln I rush to her wanting to no more.
"The commander will be here within the hour. To talk to you in private"
I don't know what to say but I manage to find some words.
"Okay I will get some food if you haven't eaten do the same. I will be back before the commander I arrives"
"We have eaten already"
I started to walk to get my food only to stop and say
"Inform my mum, Kane and Bellamy of the commander visit"
Off I went to eat and wait to find out what Lexa would want to talk about

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