Flux, n.

Untitled part 2

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head

Shaky hands and weary eyes. Isn't it funny how time passed so easily? We we're building dreams and having fun. So in love and contented but, what happen? Smile turns into frowns. Gladness into sadness. Arguments into relentless fights.

Ganon ba talaga? Aabot ba talaga sa ganito? I look up as I meet your gaze.

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

"Anong pag uusapan natin?" You asked me with that tired look written all over you face.

Just spare me this time, love. I swear I'll give you your happiness.

"Tungkol kahapon." I tremble as I speak.

"I thought, we'd already talk about this? Tapos na tayo kahapon nito diba?" Your tired look turned into being annoyed as you utter those words.

"Napag usapan lang natin pero di pa tapos." Then I gave you a faint smile.

Ganon naman na lagi diba? Sa mga nakaraang buwan napapag usapan natin pero di natatapos kasi di naayos. Kasi alam naman na nating pareho na di na maayos. But, we keep on insisting I mean no, scratch that I keep on insisting na kakayanin pa pero mali naman ata ako.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't

"Bakit? Ano pa ba ang kailangan pag usapan don? Nag explain na naman na ako diba?" Your intense look bore into me. Pilit na hinihimay ang bawat detalyeng di ko masabi.

"I know. Pero di ko mabalewa ang mga tingin mo sa kanya Matt... Because I know that kind of look. I ... know it too well and I wish I ... didn't." I quickly keep my head up. Kasi alam kong pag di ko ginawa yun parang gripong tutulo ang aking mga luha.

Silence... Silence rule us. At dahil sa katahimikang yun unti unti akong nadudurog. Unti unting nadudurog ang puso kong durog na simula pa nong una.

'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

"Does Matt, know about this?" Leanna asked as she keep on scanning some pictures.

"Nag papatawa kaba Leanna? If Matt knows about this then, it wouldn't be a surprise you stupid." Ysa butted in.

"I see, you didn't get my point. Sabat ka kasi ng sabat." At agad binato ang Album picture sa kinaroroonan ni Ysa. "Ibig kong sabihin, Alam ba ni Matt na anniversary ninyo ngayon, Nam? Kasi these past few days, napapansin kong nagiging makakalimutin ang boyfriend mo." She added. Then she give me a meaningful look.

Di ko na sya sinagot at tumango nalang.

I waited that day. Handa na ang lahat. A big "Happy Anniversary Babe" was plastered on the top of his bed. Blue balloons was hanging around the ceiling at sa dulo nito ay mga pictures namin. My gift was on the center of his bed and I was holding a triple chocolate mousse cake na paborito naming dalawa.

As I gaze upon the wall clock, I let out a heavy sighed. It's already 12:00 midnight but he wasn't home. Kinatok na ako kanina ng kasambahay nila para sabihing tutulungan niya na akong magligpit but, I insisted na hihintayin kong makauwi si Matt.

Sa pagbukas ng pintuan, akala ko ay si Matt na pero nawala ang ngiti ko ng muling bumungad sa akin ang kasambahay nila.

"Ma'am Nam" She looked at me with weary eyes as she carefully called my name.

I quickly lifted my head upwards dahil pinipigilan kong maiyak.

"Ma'am Nam wa--"

"It's okay ya. Ligpitin na po natin to." Ayaw kong makarinig ng pang aalo dahil alam kung kahit anong sandali bubuhos ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me

I know he's slipping away from my grip. He may deny it but, I can see it through his eyes. The way he smiles and the way he laugh with her. Ganong ganon kami nag simula.

I let out a sighed as I watch him from a far. Happily celebrating with his teammates and the girl he is eyeing with. I know, tanga ako pero di ako bulag.

"Babe, just this time please. Can you go where I am?" I brush my tears away as I send the message. Nasa emergency si Mama, ang natatangi kong pamilya. Sa ganitong sitwasyon alam kong si Matt lang ang mapagkukunan ko ng lakas.

I type again when I forgot to send the hospital address. Pero bago ko pa masend ang mensahe ko, I was interrupted by a text. I was hoping as I open it. Gusto ko siya dito sa tabi ko. I barely need him. But, all my hopes are gone as I read his message.

"Can't come. Sobrang init ng ulo ni Coach he won't let us go." A faint smile appeared on my face as I close the message sent by him.

"I knew it." Mahinang bulong ko sabay ng pagpatak ng bagong luha.

Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Staying with him would hurt me bad but I choose to stay. That was my mantra all along. To bare it. To stay with him no matter what. But, I think I need to come back to my senses.

"Nam." I avoided your gaze as you call my name. I know love. You don't need to explain. As the memories of us keep flashing back, the pain that I felt also keep on pouring through like an acid.

"Let's break up." I bravely said as I meet your eyes. Your eyes I used to love. Your eyes that used to look at me lovingly, the same eyes that will break me. I let out a heavy sigh as I realize that we are nearly coming to the end of this.

"Nam?" You called my name with disbelief.

I answer you with a faint smile. Then you look at me as if I am a jigsaw puzzle you cannot finish.

"Wag na nating patagalin to Matt. Let's end this up. Nagkakasakitan lang tayo." Mahina kong saad ngunit tama lang upang marinig nya.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

"Yan ba talaga ang gusto mo? This is your way of fixing this?" Mariin at di makapaniwala nyang tanong habang tinititigan akong maigi.

"Yes." I directly answered. I give him the "determined" kind of look well, more on begging kind of look to please... please, end this up. Habang kayang kaya ko pa syang pakawalan.

Minutes passed. Walang nag sasalita. Until I heard his chair moved.

"I think your decision was fixed and I cannot do something about it. Okay, then . . . Let's end this up." As he utter this words he then leave me without any bid of goodbyes.

Isa isang nag-unahan ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Lagi naming ganito, dapat nasanay na ako. Na sa huli ako pa rin ang laging maiiwan. Ngunit, alam ko rin na kasalanan ko bakit umabot sa ganito. Kung may sisisihin man... ako yun. I keep my grip, even though he wanted to be freed. Stupid me.

I let out a heavy sigh as I keep myself from crying. I know this would hurt, pero di ko alam ganito pala kasakit. Maybe, now's not the right time for us. Maybe, the cliché saying was right na di sapat na mahal mo yung isang tao para ipaglaban mo. We need to choose our battles. If that person's happiness no longer involves you then find the courage to set them free.