Thoughts from a Lonely Heart

A Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in love. It was just the beginning of it, the dizzy way you feel when you're near them, the thumping of your heart like a rabbit trying to escape its hutch. The nervous butterflies you get when you catch them glancing your way for just a second and your eyes catch on one another's. The craziest part of it all was, I could tell he felt the same about me. I was somehow in both our head's at once, and I could feel all the same emotions headed back my way from him and I could feel the doubt in my own head that he really felt it. Our situation was... strange, at least what I remember of it, anyway, but that feeling of love lingered and spread throughout me like a warm glow, only to be doused by the cold light of the waking world, leaving me feeling lonelier than I've felt in... well, a while I guess.

I'm walking around in everyday life with this huge gaping hole in my chest that I feel is so obvious it's almost shocking that the rest of the world doesn't see it. I feel like I've had this great love in my life only to have it ripped away, leaving an open, gaping wound, but I've never been in love. All that's left is this inexplicable hole that seems to grow and grow and grow, and no matter what I try to do to stop it, it seems to only want to consume me completely.

All I can think about, every second, of every day, is how much I want to be in love. I want to feel the dizzy, heart-thumping love of the movies, of my dream. All I feel is this gaping emptiness and I just want it to be gone. I want it so bad I'm afraid to want it. What if after all this time I fall in love and I just lose myself, lose what makes me, me. I want to skip all the early dating, the awkward, does he like me, do I like him, do we fit, and just jump straight into comfortable relationship territory. I want to wander around in my comfiest clothes and fall asleep on the couch watching our favourite shows. I want to snuggle up against someone late at night and wake up not caring about how terrible we both look because we love each other anyway. I want to miss someone so much when they're gone that I just have to run into their arms when they come back, uncaring of who's watching.

I want a grand, dizzying romance, but I mostly just want comfortable companionship. Mostly, I just want to not be so alone.