'Friend' is a word that I heard oh so very often. It is a word I'm way too familiar with but is also distant at the very same time.
I wonder what having friends feel like...
That is the statement I have always asked myself, if almost, every day. If I try thinking back when these thoughts cover my head, I suppose it started round about when my puberty hits me during my teenage years.
'Friend', as sweet as it sounds, is also very hard to find one. In this day and age where everyone is trying to keep up with the fast pacing of life, the majority 'fails' miserably. While trying to keep up to date, most just falls off tracks from their original plans.
I, for one, was one of those many people that have problems and issues with communication, which leads to my no-friends life. I have never paid attention to the details that I'll probably forget later so I never really put much thoughts into the issue. A part of me might have known that communication was necessary in life, especially in this era.
Communication troubles were not the only thing that have kept me friends-less. It is also partly or maybe mostly because of the differences between me and other peoples. The peoples from my surroundings have, always or most of the time, different mindsets compare to mine. As always, however, I never really thought much of it and move on with my life. And there goes my whole middle to high school life, explained in a nutshell.
It is around the time when I started college that I was a wee bit behind than most students my age or the same year. I realized how much 'friends', in this case 'companion' matters so much in life. I remembered that time, the new year motivation I did two years ago, on how I will start communicating with peoples. And I do know that I failed miserably that year and no luck the next as well. So I just decided that I'll be better off without anyone's company, not realizing how much that decision will affect me later.
Deciding to be a loner for college or your university life is never going to work. Mostly because information you need to pass the school, were mostly given or heard from your surroundings friends. And as someone who did just that, I faced a lot of troubles. I was always a step behind from everyone despite me going and flunking through my whole elementary to high school like a boss.
Finally realizing that it was nearly impossible, I started to make some moves, improvements of a sort. Starting off by talking to peoples in my class and to those who sits besides me. However, even the most simplest thing as that was the hardest for me. Their interests, personalities and lifestyles were very different from me. A small portion of my brain knows that it would be the most likely outcome but still I was hopeful for the most part.
That is when I realized that 'friend' was the word neccessary for my case. I realized that I do not necessarily needed to make 'friend' but instead needed to change myself to become someone that can blend into their surroundings. More so, someone who can blend into the groups. I was not 'friend' or 'best friend' to anyone but instead someone who was there. I figured that it was probably the best for me since I only needed a hunch on what they like and go along with the flow.
Also, after having realized that fact, I also found that my original plan for 'better communication' changed into 'making friends' after entering college. That is the big part and the reason plus the answer to why I failed so badly. 'Friend' is not something you choose but comes to you through similarities and interests between the other person as you communicate.
Years passed and I still think that I have no friends or never really experienced a close bond with other peoples aside from my parents. I do, however, found peoples who have similar interests and lifestyles as me but beyond that still never come to me. I have gotten better at communicating compare to my the old days but I still rather like the idea of staying by myself for the most part without having to overthink about other people's thoughts and feelings.
From my experiences, friends are person which are hard to find and make. Bonds can be broken with a line or an action. A discovery can brought suspicions which later leads to misunderstandings. That is why communications are necessary.
Finding a friend and keeping one is a very hard thing, at least for me. However, I am sure that, thanks to that, I will be treasuring a friend when they come into my life. When I do have someone whom I can freely open my heart to, laugh together and share experiences over drinks, I will surely treasure them, for the rest of my life.
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Banner by: an-tan_ A/N: This is the cheesiest sheet I have ever written. Fu--
Kind of mixed in my own experience with fictional thoughts
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