All I See is Red

Chapter 1

I sit quietly in the corner of the room starring at my interlocked hands. The world around me is grey and colorless, nothing seems real anymore. It's been nine years and it still haunts me to this day. They say I've made improvement, that if I accepted it I could forget. But...why would I want to forget? If I forget that day then I might forget about my dad completely.

"Joe? Do you have anyhting you would like to share this week?" The therapist asks, pulling me back to reality. I glance up from my hands and study her young face. The full lips, bright blue eyes, and long curled golden hair. She shoudln't be here. She shoudln't have to hear what we all went through but she does it anyways. Does it ever stress her out, knowing she can't solve everyone's problem?

"No" I answer quietly. My eyes flit over everyone else in the room. A young boy, probably eight or nine, here because of suicidal thoughts. The girl from my history class who's here because she watched in horror as her mother performed suicide by hanging herself. Most of the people here were to young for what the witnessed or what they're here for. Finally I look down at myself. A pair of skinny areopostal jeans, an old t-shirt, my black converse high tops, and lastly the overly large hoodie that practically hangs of my body.

"Alright group you're dismissed" Our therapist announces. I can see the sadness in her eyes as she gives us all a sympathetic smile. I sling my bag over one shoulder shove my hands in the pocket on my hoodie, making sure to keep my head down as I walked out of the small lecture room. Starring at my feet the whole time I make my way silently to my locker. Everyone here in my crappy high schools thinks that they can figure someone out at first glance but you can't. Some people can force a smile on their face and goof off but you never know what could be hiding behind that smile. That person could have family issues, might be cutting, you never know.

"Joe! There you are!" I can always count on my best friend to bring attention to me when I don't really need it. Everyone stops and looks at me as Jenna makes her way towards me. They act like I don't hear what they call me behind my back but I do, I hear every word. They call me freak, loner, sometimes even a ghost. When I reached the age of fourteen I figured there was no reason for me to live anymore. My mom died in a car crash when I was three and I watched my dad get murdered when I was ten. There was no reason for me to stay, there was no one left for me to live for. Then at the age of fifteen I met Jenna and my boyfriend Charlie. Now at the age of eighteen I find that Jenna and I have grown apart and I rarely see Charlie anymore. It's not like he moved or anything, he just joined the football team and basketball team. I think he joined the teams because of my...attitude. I would barely leave the house except for school, I didn't like sitting with a whole lot of people, and I preferred the company of Jenna and Charlie to a group of football players. Charlie must have felt like I was trying to distance myself from him but I wasn't, I was only trying to shield myself from more pain if I lost him.

Pain. That's a word I hear a lot. Everyone complains that they're in pain when their boyfriend or girlfriend leaves them. Try loosing both your parents and being called a ghost. I tell that to people and they just laugh saying, "Why would I want to think of that?" Everyone is heartless, they beg for things that they don't have and ignoring everything in front of them. They always want more without realizing they have everything they need right there, right in front of their faces. Me, I have noting except for Jenna and Charlie...sometimes I don't even have them there with me. Teh truth is I want to let people in, to let them care for me but I'm afraid that once they know what I've really been through they'll leave me and I'll be left with more pain than I can bear.

"Joe? Hello, Joe can you hear me?" Jenna waves her hand in front of my face. I swat her hand away and glare at her. She just readjusts her back pack, completely ignoring me.

"What do you want?" I ask through gritted teeth as I pull out my folder for my first period.

"Charlie wanted me to tell you that he was looking for you. He says to meet him in the gym at lunch" Jenna explains then walks away. Wow, you're such a nice friend. You don't even ask me if I'm okay. I close my locker and trudge to my class, making sure to keep my distance from everyone. Taking my usual seat in the back of the class I stare aimlessly out the window to my right. It's fall here in seattle, I like fall. I enjoy watching the leaves fly from the grasp of the trees and as they fly away I imagine myself upon it. The brown, red, and yellow colors of the autumn leaves seem to set me at peace as the fly past in the cold, biting wind of the fall. Sometimes I like to sit on my front porch and try to catch the leaves as the blow past. There are those days when I can picture myself with my dad, on the front porch of our old house just sitting, laughing and drinking hot chocolate. Then when I realize that my dad's dead the image disappears and I'm left with an empty feeling in my heart.

Pain. Death. Why do these things happen to me? Did I do something wrong?  These are the questions that I repeat over and over in my head but I never find the answers to them. Maybe one day I will but for now I just have to focus on the present. My therapist says that to get over something you need to forget the past, focus on the present, and to never worry about the future. She says that if we can do this all our pain will leave us but my pain...it's not just mental it hurts in my heart. It hurts where it hurts the most. It hurts where I know I can't get over it. This pain will never leave me, it's always going to be there and I'm the one that has to deal with it. Not Charlie. Not Jenna. Not the young boy that's in therapy for suicidal thoughts. Me. I, Joe Taylor, have to deal with the pain of lsing two parents and having only myself.