my first love

unlove

My first love never happened because we were third graders, and he moved away.

My second love never happened because it was only emails and no words, no small gestures, no pardons, no pleases, no sparks and no more me.

My third love never happened because it was more of me rejecting and less of him loving, and it was me trying to remember how to breathe and him taking gulps down like he was drowning.

My fourth love never happened because he pretended we were platonic but everything he did, every action he made was to use me and I went away.

My fifth love, or in this case, my first ever, hasn't came yet because what is there to love?

I write love poems and stories to pass the time, small words and short furies to wonder about the possibilities that I haven't reached, the way that my first time holding hands wasn't with someone I loved, or that my first kiss never came because I backed away, because everything I wondered about was because it was fake and I was real, and I was wondering what I would do if it happened again.

I am writing to you, first love, with the thoughts of someone you have never met, because I have never loved. I am writing so you will remember to tell me that you love me, so I don't spend 2 more years wondering if you had stayed, or 2 more hours into the night wondering if you had been mine, for real, not fake.

I love you, future tense, from here in these years to there and it's as if we are nothing but strangers who pass by at the supermarket, and first love, I hope when we finally do break away it will be with regrets and a little smile and it will be something that you will remember to this day.

to this hour, this minute, I will tell you, first love, that listening to you will never be tiring or that you can be anything that you want to be, any skin color that you are born to be and I will love you the only way that a first love can.

or maybe you are the second, but I am your first.

but my last love, please do not tell me you don't want to hear me speak, don't want one more word about the first because wouldn't you want to recall how lonely it was to be zero in a world of ones.

How lonely in a world of fake love, and not love, and unreciprocated love, and love that you don't want to think of because your heart will ache almost as mine will in the future with you, first.

how lonely, it will be.

this is unlove and you are last and they will be first and everything will fall into place, all of you loves when it comes time to see.

I am telling you this, first love, because you will fill me with words like butter and love like chocolate syrup, but when we part I will smile and be okay but I never am and we can never be just friends if we had loved once before.

I am telling you this, last love, because even though I love you now, it was so hard to move from one to whatever number you may be, and it is harder to think you will stay, so I warn you, yes my heart will break.

I am telling you, that despite how many times I will say that I am done, my love for you will never leave until I am lonely and you are awake, and we have both ignited our days into misguided passion and unwanted fury.

I will only tell you this, first love, I will only show you this, last love, because I am alone now and it is too lonely to see a future as bleak, as beautiful, as loving as the one with this other me, so you will remember, so I will be warned.

first love, last love, wherever we may meet.

A/N: OKAY THIS WAS PRETTY FUN. but it's actually true, I've never loved anyone before, but I thought his was nice for @joprbooks challenge, you know, an unlove story for my first one? aUgh.

-amyy :*