Camilla

eighteen

C A M I L L A

I don't know what Gilligan was expecting, but it definitely wasn't the shitty trailer house I bring him to.

"Um, where are we?"

I laugh. "Come on. This is where I go to just- breathe sometimes."

I unbuckle and get out of the car, Gilligan doing the same after only a short smile.

"Are we going in there?"

"What else would we be doing?" I ask. I pull the key out of my pocket, unlocking the door and pushing it open. When he doesn't move, I gesture inside.  Gilligan looks like he really doesn't want to go in, so I grab his hand and force him up the steps and inside the house.

I plug in the Christmas lights that I have strung up, and Gilligan looks up in shock. "This thing has electricity?"

I snort. "Of course. I use some of the money I get from fighting. It's super cheap."

"But it's not, like, your house, right?"

I shake my head. "Of course not. I'd never let Mae live in this shit hole." Granted, the house we do live in isn't leaps and bounds better, but it's probably a short jump greater than this thing. 

Gilligan takes a step further, looking around. "It's kind of magical in here though. It feels like you can just relax. Like you can think."

I nod and sit down on the small green couch I'd gotten for super cheap at a yard sale a year or two ago.

Gilligan hesitantly sits down next to me. "Any particular reason you brought me here?"

I shake my head. "Not really."

We sit in silence after that, but I know he has something he wants to say.

"What?" I finally ask.

"What do you mean?"

"There's something you want to say. I can tell."

Gilligan grins sheepishly. "Yeah. But, I mean, it can wait. You'll bring it up when you want to."

I know instantly he's talking about my mother. I fight the scowl off my face. It's all he ever seems to want to talk about lately. 

"I'll tell you someday, Gillie. Just- just wait a little longer, please?"

He smiles at me, and then hesitantly brings his arm around me over the back of the couch. I can't tell if he's making a move or just trying to get comfortable. 

"I'll wait as long as you want me to."

I am not really sure what that means, but it makes my heart flutter, which is something I do not welcome. Also, the words won't leave my brain. They just sit there, solidifying into cement.

After a moment, Gilligan takes a deep breath and looks over at me. "Why didn't you like me at first?"

"What?"

"Like, I know you were pissed because I looked at you or whatever. But, I mean, after that. At lunch and when I was texting you about watching Mae."

I sigh, taking a deep breath. "I don't know if I can explain it to you."

He raises an eyebrow as if knowing that that isn't the truth. "Try me."

I groan. "Fine. Um, I don't like taking chances on people. I don't like opening up or even just talking to them because one second we could be having a good laugh and the next they could be shitting all over me. Figuratively, I mean. And so then you came along, and I guess it's technically my fault for being such a short-tempered asshole on your first day but I wanted to know your name just because I figured if I'm going to be shitty to you, I should at least have a name to go with the face. But then you came along to lunch, confronting me in front of everyone, and it surprised me. No one ever talked to me like I was an actual person, so I mean, I was going to fight back. Harder, too, because I didn't want to like you. I didn't want to want to be your friend. So I figured, the bigger of the bitch I am, the less likely it is that you'll talk to me again. But then you sat down next to me at lunch, and it pissed me off, Gilligan. Because you were already treating me like a person and that was exactly what I didn't want. So. That's why. I was protecting myself." It sounds even more selfish saying it out loud, for fuck's sake.

Gilligan nods. "What made you change your mind?"

I smile at him. "There's this- this feeling that surrounds you, if that makes sense. It's like anytime I'm close to you, I'm ready to just tell you everything because of that feeling." I pause. "Trust, I guess. I don't really know." 

Gilligan looks at me with an emotion I didn't recognize. "Camilla," he whispers, but nothing follows.

I give him a half smile. "You don't have to say anything, Gillie."

I just wish he would.