A Tangled Mess Of Things.

Heidi : Love.

I Love him. I know it suddenly, as if by a sudden epiphany. I know I do, but I don't really know why. What is there to Love? In anybody? Everyone's a crap filled dipshit anyway. But as I ponder over, I think that's what makes this different.

For once I seem to have stepped out of the regular crap-filled-dipshit thought process of mine and actually accepted someone for not being a crap filled dipshit.

Is that Love?

I can't explain it, but I Love that bastard. I sigh out loud as I sit in the middle of my room and glance out at the sunset. But there isn't a sunset and I've missed it and that just makes me feel worse.

'You need to tell him,' this tiny voice rings out in my head. I shut it down immediately and that just acts as fuel for the other thoughts that come down on me as a rapist would, on a fallen victim.

Suddenly it's turtles all the way down, and the depression starts again. Thoughts that tell me how lonely I've been, alone and unwanted for god-knows-how-long.

And I've only had that dipshit who lives two floors below mine, for company.

And I need to talk to him. Desperately. I pick up the phone lying on my bed and ring him up. He picks up the phone and says "Hey," as he always does. I ask him what's going on, and he says "Suicide."

How. How, the actual goddarn fuck, does this guy know everything I'm thinking? Does he even realise that he knows? Does he play with me? Or is he really contemplating it? I maintain composure and hit him with a "What?"

Conversation continues and in the end, he nods and I end the call.

Soon, I'm making my way out to his place. I'm going to see him, and things are as normal as they can be. But they aren't. They're different. They've changed ever since the epiphany I've just had. I hope he doesn't notice.

I cower under my own thought spiral, and the sudden eruption of the revelation that is Love, and I think about how it might fuck up my relationship with the only person I might be able to label a friend.

I'm such an ass. I can't help but feel that way.

As I get out and tap on the button to call the elevator, the electricity buzzes out. Great. Now I need to get the stairs. But it's okay because I'm only two floors up.

I get down to his apartment and ring his bell. It doesn't work. That's when I realise that the electricity's out. So I knock on the door instead. It's very quiet and the knock echoes through the apartment complex and deciding against banging the door when I don't hear his footsteps, I pick the phone out and call him.

Soon, he lets me in. I'm standing in front of him, and yes, things are blasphemously different. For one, I have this stupid smile stapled across my face. I can't control it. Usually, I never notice. I don't notice what I feel like but now I do. I do especially because of the revelation. And he grins back at me. And after what seems like forever, he pulls me into a hug. My body heats up like a geyser but that's just normal. He's always had that effect on me. What with his big insomniac eyes, the hair falling over his forehead and his towering height.

Towering would be an overstatement. I'm short. So it seems that way. I don't know. I can't really say.

And I'm looking at him, at his face, and his eyebrows and I realise that my attraction to him isn't sexual. I wanna lick everything up, yes, I always sort of did, but nothing more than that. It's his embrace I want. When our hearts are at a cross and beating at different speeds.

I want that. I want to cuddle up with him. And just, stay there.

I snap out of my reverie and look up at the ceiling. It's dark. He leads me out to the balcony and then we're talking about I don't know what. And I'm trying to make conversation, testing to see if things have changed, if he's found out or something.

You don't fall in Love with your best friend. Like what the fuck Heidi.

He gesticulates wildly against the sky, his face lighting up like a beacon. He's telling me to look at the stars, and I'm here trying to talk to him. That's when the lights come back on.

I'm good at parallel thinking. Just as some people can do two things at once, I can think two things at once, sometimes even three, and as half my head focuses on what we're talking about, the other half spirals all over the place.

And we soon find ourselves talking about Shakespeare but I'm not paying attention. I'm not listening to what I'm saying, nor am I paying attention to his words. I've lost track, until he asks me if he wants to go out to Pride Rock to see the stars in the sky.

Considering the fact that this was why we started talking in the first place, I should've seen this coming.

But we say okay, and I watch him slip on his sweater-hoodie and zip it up, before we walk out and then go back up, to give me time, to get my stuff. Soon, we're out on the street.

We get into his rattrap vehicle, and we drive out to the hills.

I can't stop spiraling, and we stop talking. We don't say a word. I feel like we're stuck in the middle of Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb. It's nice sitting there with him sitting there next to me. I can literally feel his eyes look me over. He keeps smiling and letting out that sigh the way he always does.

We hit the road soon enough and the lights cut all over the place. We sit there quietly and I drown my focus out, embracing the feeling of constant amidst the streetlamps and the dark spaces between them. It's beautiful. Sort of like life, how things are light, and then things are dark, but things will be right again, and again and again until the road comes to an end. I find myself falling asleep, and within seconds, I'm gone.

I wake up and we've pulled up next to the mountain, the streetlamps are turned on, and there's nobody there. I wake up with a jolt, inspired by the sudden feeling of fear that snaps me back to my senses. I turn to look for Baiden. He's sitting right there on the driver's seat, looking at me.

Yes, looking right at my goddarn face, eyes stretched open. I make a weird sound with my mouth. Fear. The fear turns into comfort, while at the same time, slapping my body's adrenaline pumpers into action.

His arms lash out and grab my face, and suddenly, his mouth is in mine. It's been a long time since I kissed someone and I absolutely forgot how stupidly sloppy and soppy it is. My eyes begin to water and I feel my body crumble forward, burrowing into his face. I close my eyes and he licks my face up. Then, he breaks away. I Loved it. ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT! Until he stopped.

He sits back against his seat, and then turns and looks at me.

This was not what I saw coming.