SLIM CHANCE

(Written for my wife Diane's Slimming Club Christmas party many years ago, before the birth of our scond son, Brett.)

"Fat can be beautiful," or so I was told, 

As I undid my corsets and watched the ripples unfold.

But given the choice, I'd rather be lean,

An hour-glass figure is my ultimate dream.

Now, dreams turn to nightmares as we all know, 

And this weight-losing business can really be slow.

So I bought some diet-biscuits to help me get slim,

(They told me on TV that they're just the thing.)

But afer a month I'd gained three more pounds,

And the air was turned blue with cursing sounds.

I didn't understand - how could it be

That such a dreadful thing was happening to me?

As the days dragged on, I grew more annoyed,

My life became empty - a proverbial void.

Another four pound increase?! This could not be real,

I ate those slimming biscuits after every meal!

Ah! So that's what went wrong, I'd now seen the light.

I gave up all stodge and continued the fight;

I resolved - "Try real hard; don't cheat, then who knows,

This time next week I could resight my toes."

But it didn't work out - my toes stayed in the shade,

And I pondered just exactly what mistakes I had made.

Matters got worse, and sometimes I was ill,

Then it dawned what had happened - I'd forgotten my Pill!

CHRIST! I WAS PREGNANT!

I really was 'in the Club' (and not a slimming one,)

 But it guaranteed a weight-loss second to none.

No excercise programme, no diet sheets needed

And seven months later my tummy receded.

Now, eating for two is a hard habit to break,

But I tried to cut down - for the house-keeping's sake.

But like tose 'best laid plans of mice and men,'

It wasn't too long till I was fat again.

Come bath-time, I looked like a beached baby whale, 

And  the magazine diets were all doomed to fail.

Obviously now something had to be done,

Drastic measure to be taken - but which way to turn?

THEN A FRIEND SAID:

"Go try a Slimming Club, they'll help you cope,"

So I wobbled on down, my heart filled with new hope.

"Please help me lose weight, I'm desperate. I beg."

"No problem," they laughed, "We'll cut off a leg!"

All joking over, my statistics were taken,

(They're surely not right - they must be mistaken!)

"Cut out the chocolate and alcoholic drink,

And it won't be too long till your tum starts to shrink."

They suggested if I took a more positive view,

That in a few weeks there would be compliments due.

And should friends start to laugh, think "Bugger them all,

I'm not overweight, I'm just under-tall."

My stomach was rumbling - a real weird sensation,

But I was not to give in to this evil temptation.

They advised me at meal times not to indulge,

And soon I'd be victorious in the 'Battle of the Bulge."

And slowly but surely I began to lose weight,

First a pound, then five and eventually eight.

It gradually got easier by doing what they taught,

And not being discouraged by negative thought.

And within eight weeks I had shed a whole stone,

And most carbohydrates were banned from my home.

My clothes no longer fitted, but it was small price to pay -

I like the 'new me,' and i was here to stay.

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