Sam fucking Cooper. Please, don't ever doubt your looks. You are drop dead gorgeous. You can't begin to imagine how many times I have thought of you, us. Together. It's just that your ethics are twisted. I completely believe that you try to be a good person but you don't read between the lines, you don't know how others feel and you don't realise what hurts.
Slag. That's what they call me now. That's my label. My identity. The rumours about us don't really help my image. For people reading this, no, we did not shag. Unfortunately. We would have but it was more complex than that, you know, him having a girlfriend and everything. I guess 'the conversations' started when we'd joke about skipping maths to fuck in the disabled toilets. Classy. Also my idea. You talked about everything you'd do to me and everything you wanted me to do to you. You talked about those things happening in maths, under the table. You talked about those things happening on top of the table. You talked about if people would watch and how you'd want them to. I have to admit, you were pretty good at it for someone who's failing English. Your fantasies were basic in comparison to mine. Pain was a turn on for me. I wanted you to hurt me, shift the pain into something nice. A distraction. After I convinced you to get snapchat, we talked most nights. It was exciting and new for me and hard to let go of. I used to talk to Evo most nights but that wasn't an option anymore. I didn't want to loose you so we sent things we could never go back on. You screen shotted. Knob.
I remember that day when I was having one of my many panic attacks while sat next to you in class. I told you to hurt me with your compass, make me bleed. The compass was secure between your fingers. The three things I wanted: the compass, security, your fingers. I wanted to feel something. You refused so I left the classroom. I got up and left. I'm sorry for being fucking insane I know it's a lot to put up with.
I don't know why I'm like this but I hope writing about it will help me figure it out. You were the first person I experimented with. You were the first person take my mind of reality. Thank you for that. I had a lot of fun in the process of it all.
