[A/N: hello there! this is actually my first time publishing one of my writing pieces online and i’ve actually had this piece quite awhile (2 years to be exact) and i finally got the guts to share it. i maybe have some grammar mistakes here and there, i apologize. but despite of those errors, i hope you will enjoy reading this as much as i was writing it! have a nice day/night c:]
It was 3 AM on a Monday dawn; I was in bed with my boyfriend of 5 years. He had his arm wrapped around my waist from the back and I can feel his warm breath gently kissed the back of my neck, feeling his heartbeat pounded softly against my back. I could never feel so safe, but for some reason I couldn't sleep. I continued to stare at the wall clock, watching time passing by as now it tells me it's already 3:18 AM.
"Maybe I have insomnia" I thought to myself and sighed.
I sat up slowly and adjusted myself at the edge of the bed. Then, I looked at my boyfriend. He has the most unkempt black curly hair no matter he's at home or going out, he wore a black muscle tank although he is nowhere near buff, the tank suited him. There’s also this tattoo sleeve that started off from his wrist and ended at his elbow. I noticed my name on it too. I looked up and carved a half smile with the sight of him sleeping peacefully.
I remembered the day I met him, when I first laid eyes on him. It was at a cafe downtown, he was sitting alone, concentrating on the screen on his laptop. His hair was messier back then but it complimented his bright blue and gray eyes. He was wearing green sweatshirt with some ripped jeans and worn out black chucks. I couldn't help but stare at my idea of perfection that day, but he caught me though. While I was admiringly staring at him, he took a glance at my direction and then our eyes met. I looked down with a flushed face obviously embarrassed because I remember I was wearing a white t-shirt with black jeans and a pair of trainers and to top it all, my face was naked but he continued to look at me. After what it seems like 20 minutes of purposely made glances, he finally walked over my table and joined me for a cup of coffee.
"I love you" I silently breathed.
I stood up and tiptoed quietly, quickly to my bathroom door then I looked back at him, making sure that I didn't wake him up. Then I slowly turned the door knob softly and went in. the ceiling lights flickered as I switched them on. I turned myself to the mirror revealing a young fair skinned girl with long dark golden hair with her front bangs covering half of her face. She was wearing a long sleeve gray shirt that looked loose on her small delicate body. I studied my mirrored image.
"She’s beautiful"
"She’s so lucky to call him, hers"
"She must be so happy to be with him"
These are the thoughts of people around me would but, little did they know... they're wrong.
"I’m not happy, I’m not beautiful" I breathe.
I felt tears forming in my eyes. I slowly brush away my front bangs to the behind of my ears, I shot a look of disgust to my reflection. I can't help but notice the visible black eye and long scar running across my left cheek, also other minor bruises along my jaw line and forehead. One tear started running down to my cheek and it stings my scar but I brushed it off. Overtime, I got used to the electrifying feeling. I gently lifted off my shirt halfway only showing my stomach unveiling more bruises, scars and even cuts from yesterday, last week, last month, and last year. My shoulder ached as I lift the shirt up higher and finally taking it off of my head and dropped it on the ground. You want to know what I see. A young fair skinned girl with dark golden hair covered in bruises, scars, cuts and burnt marks.
"How is this beautiful or happy?" I whispered myself with a creaking voice.
"I remember this" I softly said, looking at a burnt mark on my right arm.
7 months ago. It was late dawn; my boyfriend went out with a couple of his workmates to celebrate his colleague's promotion. I, on the other hand, slept on our apartment couch waiting for his return. In a sudden, I woke up to the harsh banging sound on the door. I swiftly went to the door and opened up to my intoxicated boyfriend with a lit cigarette between his fingers. I remembered him getting all furious because I didn't open the door sooner, then he put his lit cigarette on the insides of my arm and dragged it down to my wrist. I remembered how the burning pain felt like; I remembered it all too well.
I started to sob softly, afraid that I would wake him up. Then I turned around letting the mirror capture the picture of my back. A long line of belt mark was in sight alone with other bruises. It surprises me how the marks of his are still there although, this has happened for 3 years. I looked down in shame, knowing that this isn't right. I quickly shuffled to the bath tub and turned the knob, letting the water fill the tub. I rest my back against the wall and slowly slid down, hugging my knees to my chest.
"How did I end up here?" I creaked. Then all the negative thoughts hit me, he punished me because I’m a bad partner, he punished me because I don't obey him. He punished me because I’m not good enough.
I continued to sob quietly and when the water was almost enough to fill the whole tub, I closed off the knob tight and stood next to the tub. I put my feet in the ice cold water, the cold sent chills down my spine instantly. I slowly merged in until the water reached my stomach. I felt all kinds of burns from the wounds that I have there, it hurts yet I still continue. I whimpered softly as I let the water to sink in my whole body. The water gives sharp stings to my wounds but I find it rather calm.
here, my thoughts slowly drifted away. Every one of them. I finally found my peace but then I realized that this is all temporary. After this bath, I will go back to the murderous hands of my abusive boyfriend and the nightmare continues. I did not know what went through my mind but all I ever wanted at this exact moment was to end the pain. I took a deep breath then merged my head under the water. After a while, I felt my lungs were desperate for a gasp of air but I persist.
my mind was feeling empty and my body started to feel very light. I can sense the feeling of letting go as my heart rate slows down and my vision started to fade. Although my body now feels feathery, I can feel a tight grip on my arm pulling and carried me out. I was placed on the tiled bathroom floor. The water didn't drown me but it was enough to make me feel frail. I was slightly conscious enough to see a cloudy image of my boyfriend holding me.
"Are you insane?! What the hell were you thinking?" his voice sharpened.
He grabbed a towel and covered me up then he shook me, tried to make me stay awake. "Stay with me, baby. Stay with me", his voice said, feeling terrified. He buried my face into his chest and holds me tightly, I could feel him shaking and I thought
"He isn't abusive; it's just his ways of showing his love to me"
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