Relentless

29- Ben

She was counting on me. She had faith in me. How long did she keep it up? How long did it take to lose it? Did she hate me in her last moments? Did she suffer? Was she killed because she helped Saige escape? Or was she kept alive and tortured? How many times did she call my name? There were too many unanswered questions and scenarios, each one sending me down further in my whirlpool of shame. The love of my life, my wife.

Sarah. I failed you.

The silence in the hall was deafening, save for the occasional sniffle or whimper. I didn't have to look to know she was blaming herself, my son was in shambles against the wall, and my team stood in disbelief awaiting my next move. Its second nature to care, to make decisions on the spot, to be confident and know exactly what to do. It's easy to lead when nothing is weighing you down. When everything is right in the world, it's effortless even. But right then, I just couldn't. Not when I lost her, again. Twice. I know God could have saved her, He's capable. So why didn't He? Why did I have to endure this unbearable pain once more? Why give me hope only to take it away?

I dropped to my knees unable to stand any longer, "God, please." It was all I could muster out. A broken prayer, simple, yet it held so much meaning, so much emotion. I poured my heart and soul into those two words. I didn't care who was in the room, I laid myself down at the feet of the only One who could take away the pain, and I willingly threw it on Him.

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way." My breath caught in my throat hearing Ky's steady voice. "When sorrows like sea billows roll." My son, taking on a roll that should have been mine. "Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul."

"It is well," Justin joined.

"With my soul," Silas sang.

"It is well, it is well with my soul." Slowly, the soft voices from nearly every person filled the hall in a beautiful, sorrowful melody that had my body trembling.

I gave in to it, "Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come." Everyone followed me singing along. "Let this blest assurance control, that Christ hath regarded my helpless estate, and hath shed His own blood for my soul."

"It is well, with my soul."

"It is well, it is well with my soul."

"For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live. If dark hours above me shall roll, no pang shall be mine. For in death as in life, Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul."

"It is well."

"It is well."

"With my soul."

"With my soul."

"It is well, it is well with my soul."

With the last note echoing off the stark walls of the prison, a warm breeze spread throughout like a comforting blanket. It eased the pain in my chest and dulled the throbbing in my head allowing me to think clearly. I mumbled a prayer under my breath, thanking Jesus for all the people we've saved, and thanking Him for the life I shared with my wife; though I wasn't quite ready to pick myself off the floor.

"Why would he have them guard an empty hallway?" A hush greeted her question. I lifted my head and turned to look at the young girl, a frown settled on her face as she studied her feet.

It was Ky who found his voice to speak, "What do you mean, Saige?" She startled, eyes shooting to his like she didn't mean to voice her thought aloud.

"The woman," Silas picked up what she was talking about. "She said 'we were told to guard this area', but you're right. There's no one here."

"He never does anything without a reason," she murmured. "Why order guards to stay here?"