Emotions

Cry out

Tell me...

Why is it so hard to cry? Why won't the tears come and the sobs and the wetness in my eyes and it's hard to breath and I feel. But I can't... 

Why is it so hard to cry? To just sob and wail and bawl my eyes out and break down and weep and whimper and just feel. But I can't...

I can't feel. I don't know how. I once did, when my mum would punish me I would cry. I deserved it and I learned. And that was ok. I still felt. But now... now I can't...

I grew up just fine.

I had three siblings, later more. We fought and it was ok. 

I had a friend and we played and we parted and it was ok.

I had a dog and she was scared so my dad had to give her away abd it was ok.

It was ok because I still felt.

But after a while- when did it happen?- it stopped. It stopped being ok.

I had a friend and we did everything together. When she left, she took a part of me.

I had parents and they love me. The fighting took a part of me.

I had classmates and we spend 6 years together. Every comment took a part of me.

By the time I seperated with them... I had stopped feeling. My friend was gone, my classmates didn't never heard of me again, my parents still fight. I just stopped feeling.

I remember. Remember the nights I cried myself to sleep. Remember feeling worthless. Remember wondering... "Why does nobody ever care for me?"

Now I don't. I don't feel. I can't cry, oh why is it so hard to cry? 

I don't know anymore, don't know how to be sad for myself, how to care for myself, how to find my will to live, how to trust... The 'friends' I have are shallow, they won't remember me tomorrow. That's what I make myself believe. I don't want to be hurt again. If I even can feel. But I can't...

Author's note

Now really... I have serious trouble with crying, anybody else? I read a sad fanfiction today that made me cry, and now I feel this pressure in my head and the smallest trigger gets my eyes wet but I can't really CRY and it's depressing...