BRΘΚΕŇ

Egoism

I was hoping not to see you again so fast...

I am on holidays.

I am alone at my house.

I draw.

I dance.

I read.

I want to go to see friends, but I don't want to at the same time.

I wa't to see them.

To laugh and to talk with them.

But I don't want them to see a hypocritical smile.

To see me yet I'm not feeling fine.

I don't want them to worry more about me.

They already do enough.

If they know more about me, I'm scared not to be allowed anymore to live these happy moments, where I can forget my troubles.

I fear it...

I don't want to be private of this piece of joy they offer me, so I hide myself.

They see me at class, and a bit after school.

That's enough.

I do not want to affect them.

Because I know that they are worry about me, that they wanna help me !

But...

I'm so scared to shake them...

To make them feel as bad as I do...

Is it dumb ?

I don't know. I don't knlw if my reasoning is right, or wrong.

I do what I can...I guess ?

Unless it is not sufficient ?

That wouldn't surprise me after all...

I do not work enough.
Nor for my class.
My dances.
My paints.
My writes.

I just usually do the way it comes.

I do not work good enough.

I should try harder.

Even though it's harsh...

If not...

How will be my future ?

Without friends, I would have shaked them. I would be trying to live with my drawings. I wouldn't have much money.

If it goes this way, I would probably not meet my parents anymore, by lack of courage.

Some will say I am pessimistic.

But I say I am realistic.

It's for that reason I don't want to hurt my friends. I do not want to suffer.

That's egoistic, isn't it ?

Of fucking course it is.

We are all egostic, deep inside of us.

So if I finally assume it, what will it change, apart from having one less weight among tha parts of myself I attemmt to ignore ?

Nothing.

So let me be egoistic.

Let me stay alone.