even if it hurts - cory & naveed

three

they don't talk about it. surprise surprise.
the summer holidays seem to whiz past in a complete blur, and nav's not really sure what's happening, because when they start back in year 13 everything sort of happens at once and he spends day after day in a sombre haze of sitting in the caf watching nas try not to cry because... because missy goes and fucking dies. and it's all a mess and exams are in less than a year and nav feels a bit like he's forgotten how to breathe - every day is depressing and monotonous and loaded with grief. at the end of year 12 he'd finally started to feel like he was where he wanted to be; the happy little circle he'd found with nas and sam, missy and aaron, riz and... cory.
and then missy just. goes. all that light, her explosive temper and imbecilic hotheadedness, her ridiculous, glittery dress sense, her outrageous jokes and sparkly nails and the endless, warm love that she had for everyone... gone. just like that.
and thus he tries to move on from cory. one of his best friends is dead. cory shouldn't matter.
so he gets up, goes to school, studies as much as he can manage, and attempts the impossible task of being a good friend to nas and trying to get her through her grief, all in time to get home in time for dinner- he's been trying so hard to just feel normal. but it's damn near impossible.
and then cory gets shitfaced at his party and shags chloe. and so nav's a little bit pissed off, really. it makes sense; cory's never been great at committing to anything for more than an evening, but that doesn't stop nav absolutely seething every time he thinks about cory with some bird, saying all the right things and kissing her the same way he'd kissed nav all those months ago.
naveed had thought, stupidly, naively, after that drunken night at the rec, that cory had made his fucking mind up about what he wanted. but of course not; why would cory wilson ever mean anything he said?
and naveed is desperately trying to convince himself the anger simmering underneath his skin is to do with the fact that cory treats every girl he encounters like a fucking arcade game - push all the right buttons and collect the coins at the end and go home as if nothing happened, as if nothing matters, because to him women are just toys to be played with until he's bored, leaving a trail of broken hearts (and probably undiagnosed chlamydia) in his wake. but maybe that's just it- nav is so angry not because cory broke his heart, but because nav let him. he's let himself believe cory could be different for him, and in doing so has made himself look like every other idiotic simpering girl cory puts his hands on. naveed realises he is angry at himself for letting cory do this to him as he is with the boy himself.
but also, he is acutely aware of the fact that in less than a year it really will be over - no more trying again or hoping cory might come crawling back... no more seeing him every day and there being a chance, even a small, small chance cory might come to his senses. in september he will be moving to manchester to pursue his dream of big gay actor comedian extraordinaire, and this happy little pantomime that he shares with cory and riz will be over forever.
he's terrified; so much of the last year of his life has been spent revolving around the glorious, unthinkable potential of falling in love with his best friend, that he's seemed to have forgotten who he is without that.
and in all this turmoil he decides to talk to sam.

he and sam have never gotten on amazingly - the racism thing certainly does put a sour taste in ones mouth and her bullish, murgatroyd face does tend to intimidate even those who, unlike nav, are not weedy and weak-willed. but, in his state of desperation, he knows that sam will be honest with him.
she invites him into her dim little room in the hostel- he notes the scabby posters for weird punk bands (oh, the irony... a member of one of the most blatantly white supremacist families in ackley considers herself a punk fan) and the crumpled england flag hanging up on the walls and wonders for a moment why this girl has such a hold over nas. but sam sits him down and offers him a can of fanta from a pile under the bed and he feels slightly grateful for her bizarre hospitality.
"i'm guessin' you've come to talk to me about something," she says, sounding reproachful. (she usually sounds reproachful, though. nav decides not to look too much into it.)
"yes. i have. i... i'm not really sure what to do."
and then he talks, for the first time, with complete honesty and transparency about what has happened between him and cory.
after he's finished he takes a deep breath and looks at sam, who stares back with a face of almost admiration.
"fucking hell, naveed. nas told me you were in love with him but... i mean i could have figured that one out for meself but... you managed to turn cory fucking wilson gay? that's a talent."
naveed grins, relief at finally letting it all out flood through his bones. "it wasn't easy, i tell you. it still isn't. i mean, i sort of made him gay for like. a bit. and then he forgot again."
sam chews her thumbnail thoughtfully.
"you probably won't want to hear this, nav. but i've been with girls like that, before nasreen. girls who didn't know what they wanted... just sort of. used me to figure it out. strung me along for ages and never seemed to realise that it wasn't just some experiment, not to me." she smiles sadly at the look of pained recognition on his face. "it fucked with my head, y'know. you end up finding it hard to trust people, what they see in you. i know it's fuckin' hard but my advice would be to ditch him. stop waitin'. it's not worth it. 'cos if you stop waiting and he finally realises what he's missing out on and comes to his senses, that's great. if he doesn't, you can move on and find someone new. but if you keep waiting around for him, you're just wasting your time. don't be a fuckin' doormat, nav. reckon nas would say the same thing."
and she's right, of course, but the idea of finding someone new is unthinkable and very, very unappealing. nobody else is cory wilson, his best mate, the love of his life. but, rationally, he thinks maybe he's being melodramatic about all of this.

he comes to the painful conclusion it would be best for everyone, especially himself, if he put his bitterness towards cory's infamously promiscuous behaviour behind him, take sam's advice and move on. make the most of them being friends.
so when cory approaches him asking to stay the night he agrees jovially and even agrees to ride on the back of cory's bike on the way back to the house. and the whole time he tries very very hard not to think about that morning, that bike ride to school and what came afterwards.

naveed has observed an atmosphere with his parents whenever cory is over. it's most likely to do with the boy's atrocious table manners and his vaguely bragging demeanour (not that they're not used to that from naveed, but cory doesn't have enough gay in him to play the arrogance off as ironic) or it could be the way that he awkwardly stumbles through conversation, verbally tripping over himself every other sentence, putting his foot in his mouth and overstepping social boundaries and rather upsetting naveed's mother.
either way, they eat dinner in awkward almost-silence while cory snaffles up roti with such vigour naveed is surprised he doesn't complain more often of indigestion.
eventually naveed's parents announce they're going to turn in for the night and so him and cory idly watch countdown, ignoring the stodgy silence that seems to have manifested between them.
"shall we head to bed?" naveed asks, cringing at the possibility that it might sound suggestive. cory doesn't retort in the flirtatious way he usually would, instead nodding sleepily and picking his hoodie up from where he's left it on the couch. no wonder nav's mother doesn't like him. fuckin' slob.
they bumble about, pulling on pyjamas and top-and-tailing in nav's rickety single bed. they've done this a what feels like a hundred times since kevin tried to off himself and it's become a comfortable routine, despite the miles of distance between them.
but then, stupidly, naveed then makes the mistake of asking why cory's asked to stay over.
and to his dismay, he finds out then that of course, of fucking course cory thought it would be a good idea to shag his dad's girlfriend. god, either he really is a sociopathic bastard or he has a genuine problem. naveed makes a half-serious mental note to research sex addicts anonymous. maybe he could leave some sort of pamphlet in cory's bag. either that or stage a cripplingly embarrassing intervention with riz. he decides definitely on the former.
and nav is suddenly fuming; after all the conversations they've had, all the promises of change and cory pretending to act like a decent person who treats women with respect... nav sees red. snaps at him. calls him a slut, and cory (the absolute fucker) looks at his mouth when he says that, an expression of hurt and want on his face, and the self hating part of nav stabs him in the gut at the immediate rush of desire to kiss the stupid fucking idiot look off cory's gorgeous face.
fuck, this really isn't good for him. so much for getting over it.

in the morning, he and cory dress in stony silence, deliberately avoiding eye contact. it feels like cory is on the verge of saying something, but nav knows if he does the stubborn part of him will shoot it down and make things even more tense.
he comes downstairs to find cory awkwardly eating toast at the dining room table, and an irrational part of naveed's brain wonders if cory has tried it on with his mum. he needs this to stop, he needs cory to acknowledge this is a problem, to stop hurting people. but he's out of his depth.
his dad pulls him into the front room, then, saving him from a long wordless walk to school with cory trailing along beside him like a kicked dog. he would be grateful if it weren't for the sting of wishing cory had waited for him, the stabbing need to spend as much time as possible at his side.
"me and your mother... as much as we have tried our absolute hardest to understand and support you in your... journey... we-" his father hesitates uncomfortably, skimming a hand over the back of his neck. "i have to say we really don't like your boyfriend."
naveed laughs, the sound harsher than he intended, cutting bitterly through the cold morning air. "he isn't my boyfriend, dad. he's just a mate."
his father heaves a visible sigh of relief. "well, thank goodness for that, son. he's frankly uncouth, to say the least. i mean his table manners are atrocious and last time he came over he tracked mud all over the new carpet in the hall, and really i think you could do a lot better than some classless english boy-"
"alright, steady on, dad... i know he wouldn't exactly be your first choice for me but he isn't my boyfriend and you don't need to be mean." (although, nav does feel a shot of cruel pleasure shoot through him at the insults.)
"my apologies, son. you're right. i shouldn't be too quick to judge. but i do think you're perfectly capable of finding yourself a very nice boyfriend. preferably one with better table manners."
naveed laughs. this is surreal. "believe me, dad. if you saw some of the lads at school you'd be encouraging me to marry cory on the spot."
and as he says goodbye to his father and pulls on his uncomfortable school shoes, he tries very, very hard to push down the temptation to daydream about how nice it might be to marry cory. in some other parallel universe where he isn't a selfish, immature nymphomaniac.