Eight: i love you
2007
"Babe, look!" Demi cheered as she hung upside down from the monkey bars.
"You could be in a circus with those tricks." I joke making an angelic laugh escape her luscious lips.
"I know right."
My heart crumbled at the thought of not seeing her soon.
She was my only source of happiness; yet I felt so selfish for having her around someone like me.
She deserves so much better.
Her personality and heart belongs to someone more worthy.
But she's with me.
Me.
A sick girl who's about to loose her life to a deathly disease.
She doesn't know that though.
And it'll stay that way.
~Two months later~
"You know what I really like about you?" Demi asks as she shuffles in my arms, gazing at my face as my eyes focus on the film.
"Hm?" I hum, feeling myself grow warm, blushing.
"How you're so carefree yet so caring. You don't care about what anyone else thinks and stand for your own, but also stand for what the people you love and like believe in. I mean, for example, when we went to school, you went against your own friends, for me. I still don't know why you'd do such a thing, you got bullied for it with me, but you did it, and it means the world to me." She arms tighten around my waist as her face snuggles into my chest.
"And I'd do it again, you didn't deserve anything that those girls made you suffer through, you're so beautiful inside and out, but I guess I just don't care because as stereotypical as it may sound, you only live once and I like to live in the moment, because you never know what tomorrow could bring." I don't dare to look her in the eyes, the lump in my throat grows bigger as I think of my end nearing.
I don't want to go yet.
But it's not my choice.
...
Her warm body was tangled with mine, both of us in daze of what just happened, her breath tickled my bare shoulder under the sheets, her arm draped over my exposed stomach as I trailed my hand up and down her nude side.
"C'mon, was I really that bad?" She jokes making the both of us giggle.
"Oh shush you, you know you're good." I blush.
"No need to get so shy now... I love you." She whispers.
My heart drops.
Stop.
Don't.
No.
"Y/N?" Her low voice quavers as the guilt inside me grows.
I squeeze my eyes and feel her shove me away from her.
"I-I think I'm gonna' go." She stutters, quickly throwing her clothes on, discretely wiping away a tear that escapes her beautiful brown eyes.
"I'm sorry." I whisper as she leaves. "I'm so sorry."
I don't want to hurt more than I already do.
But I love you too.
~Four months later~
Doctors say I've got up to a month left now.
The cancer got so bad I could no longer carry on with the shots they gave me but had to start chemo therapy in hopes of minimising the cancer so it could then be removed.
But of course, it was too late.
So now, I look as dead as I feel.
I'm surprised I can breath on my own.
It won't be too long before-
"Y-Y/N?" My head snaps towards a new figure standing in my hospital room.
Demi.
"Wh- what? Why?" Tears stream down her face as she slowly approaches me.
No words leave my mouth.
I simply don't know what to say.
What is there to say?
I'm sorry?
"I never wanted you to see me like this." I whisper.
"Why didn't you tell m-me? Why did you do this to me?" She cried, sitting on my hospital bed.
She looked so heart broke, angry, sad, hopeless, defeated.
She looked so upset.
Because of me.
"I'm sorry." I whisper, looking down at my grey, cold hands.
"Sorry?! I fucking love you! I love you! And you hide this from me?! You're dying? I though- I though you hated me! I thought that you hated me!" She sobs, her fisted hands punching my bed sheets, making tears gather in my eyes. "I was s-so confused why- why you did that to me- I thought I wasn't enough for you- I though you hated me!" She drops, her arms wrap around my stomach as she wails against the duvet.
"I'm so sorry." I croak, my bony fingers running through her thick, dark hair.
"Why did you do this to me?" She asker as she slowly calmed down.
"I- I didn't want to hurt you-"
"Bull shit! You didn't want to hurt me? Are you serious?! For the first time in my life I felt beautiful, appreciated and loved, and in a snap of your fingers, it all vanished! I trusted you, I gave myself to you, and you made me feel like a slut, I thought that's all you wanted out of me!" I let her scream at me because soon she won't have the chance to.
"I-I never wanted to make you feel that way- I never wanted to make you feel so low, but I got scared." I stare at a picture that hung on one of the walls; it's of her and I laughing, her eyes were closed whilst mine gazed at her beauty.
It calmed me down in some way.
"Scared of what?"
"You. Me. We went from being friends to being in a relationship, and you made me forget. You made me forget about all the bullshit going on around me. You made me forget so much that I unconsciously started falling in love with you, with everything you do. I promised myself I'd never, ever hurt someone like that. I'm not supposed to be in love with you. I'm dying! I'm fucking dying-" I sob, my hands covering my pale face.
Her shaking figure wraps around me as we both cry in despair.
I'm sorry.
Baby won't you take it back,
say you were trying to make me laugh,
and nothing has to chance today, you didn't mean to say:
"i love you"
—
We fall apart as it gets dark,
I'm in your arms in central part,
There's nothing you could do or say,
I can't escape the way I love you,
I don't want to,
But I love you..
