I sit, waiting, waiting for what seems like an hour, but just a minute. I sit an wait on this cold chair, which I sat on before. Thinking on why I was here now, and then brought back so many memories. Thinking about this made my heart sink, last time I was here, is as hard as this time. Last time I was at a friends house, and I got called she went, she went to the place I dreaded ever since she got sick.
They told me that my mom fell and fainted, and she was brought to a friend’s house. It wasn’t the first time she fainted; ever since they found out she was sick, I dreaded this minute every day. I would go to school and constantly daydream that she was hurt and was in the hospital.
No doctor in Hackensack hospital knows what is wrong with her. They have no idea if it will kill her, or if it is hereditary. The only reason my mom is going to the hospital or doctor’s appointments are because of me. She does not think for herself, she thinks she ruins everything. Thinking this hurts, I love her and don’t want her through this. She is too nice, to have this happen to her. I think I might cry.
I can’t hold it in, thinking of my past hurts, hurts more than a stab in the heart. That ends, this does not. I can’t hold it in, I have to go somewhere, I can’t get her sad too. “Breathe, Breathe, Breathe” I thought to myself, u can’t hurt her any more. I have to go but where. “Excuse me mom, where is the bathroom?” I ask. She knows me more than I know myself, she knows something is wrong.
When I leave, I walk, I walk faster. I can’t hold it in. I fall to the cold, dirty floor in tears. No one is around me, but I can hear my mom say to my dad that something was wrong. I thought about today, I thought about last year and how sick she was. She almost died this month, twice.
When I got to the bathroom, my eyes were puffy and red like I was punched, I wouldn’t go back like this, what will I do? My dad calls me to come back, we are leaving. I throw some water on my face so I can cool off, it didn’t work. My mom will notice.
We left and that night my dad didn’t come home till late, and I was staying at my uncles for the time being. Then I thought about the past year. My mom has been to the Cleveland hospital five times. Each time it is as if she left my and will never come back. Every day I went to seventh grade without my mom, was like hell ran over me and I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t stop thinking of what happens if she falls again, what happens if she gets hurt. I never stop thinking that.
Everyday I couldn’t help but think, why here, why now, why, me, why her? My mom is the nicest person, why would this horrible thing happen to her? Then one day it dawned on me, the answer I have been asking. If it wasn’t now, then when? If it weren’t us, she would be by herself going through this. If it were my aunt, her husband would have left her. My dad would do anything for my mom and me. If he had to leave her, if that would make it better, he would do it. He was at ever doctor appointment, every night at the hospital. He would never leave her side, in such a hard time.
That still didn’t help me. I needed answers. One night I couldn’t bare it. Eighth grade was hard, no friends in my class, everyone ignored me, my mom being sick, and no matter how hard I try, I couldn’t get the grades I wanted. I cried all night, kept thinking about the same thing over and over in my head, and then the next day was an even worse day in hell. My mom has to go back, to the Cleveland clinic the next day. Her eye has been bothering her badly, and that’s where this horrible disease started.
They come back, to me crying everyday hoping that she doesn’t have cancer, and it’s not, it’s worse. It is the same disease my grandma died from.
The doctors called it sarcradosis, very few people have this disease, and the doctors don’t know little about it.
As the year passed, the disease got a little better, and my mom got better. She told me just a month ago that she did everything, went to those doctors for me, that she didn’t want me to have it, and if I did, they would know how to fix it.
Getting through this disease was the hardest, all I had to do is hear her say I love you, and go to sleep. I dreamt of what would happen when she was better, what it was like not to have a sick mother and most of all, hope this would never happen to anyone.
From this horrible experience, that still hasn’t ended, was to appreciate the small things in life, life is too short to worry about the little things and don’t take anything for granted. I was gifted to have learned this so early, because most people don’t learn this till they are older and wiser. Being fourteen and my mom being sick weren’t easy, and basically being a form of bullied in class, band, and softball wasn’t easy.
My mom is on this drug that helps, but she still hurts. Everyday I come home, I get yelled at for some silly stupid thing I have done. Most of the time I want to run away. At school, I have no friends, anyone to talk to in class, except at lunch. Then I come home and get yelled at, it is too much for me. I know this yelling is because she feels horrible, but it is still too much.
At school, I just get through the day; I couldn’t live through on more minute as soon as that bell rings. I have a break during lunch with my friends. No one asks to be in my group, to be their partner, unless I ask, or the teacher. I get ignored, I get laughed at, I get made fun of. But I try not to let it get to me. I try and try and try, and it is one of the hardest things. My mom has helped, but I don’t let it get to me, but eventually it does. I broke down at home three times this year, and I pray for school to be over. Every minute I can get out of class or school, it is as if I got the best thing in the world.
Life is not fair, it is not easy, but it is fun at times. I certainly haven’t had an easy one, and a fair life so far, but I do love my life. People always say, “I hate my life” and “its not fair” and I always think “well it could be harder, it could be worse, and it is sad that people actually do have it worse.” That gets me through everything. But having friends get me through way more, than I could handle by my self.
