taehyung
i don't remember much about my childhood. i mostly just try to forget about it anyways. the things i do remember is what made me who i am today. i suffer from ptsd, anxiety, and manic depression. i took advice from my friends to go to a therapist because of how bad i was. not only did getting a therapist not work, but it made me worse.
before i had gone out of it, i remember telling myself it'd be okay because i couldn't hear anybody else say it.
when i was young, my parents were drug addicts. my dad also left when i turned 5 but he was pretty much my moms drug dealer. he just wanted to avoid me, his babyboy. i was scared of him, i kind of remember it, since i'm scared of him now. he hurt me a lot of the time and my mom was high when he did. she'd apologize the next day but my dad didn't care.
i also knew she never meant it.
we had shootouts once in a while near my house to threaten my dad. when he'd come by to exchange the drugs for money, people would shoot. thats what cause my ptsd. any loud noise and i lose control of myself.
i was too young to understand any of this and to be quite honest, i still don't understand it all. why would you be a parent to a child you don't even want? your child is basically drugs and i obviously cant help that.
the only thing i could hear was the nurse running with 2 other nurses while my body was laid onto a stretcher and her hand was touching my hair and her lips were asking if i could hear her. my eyes slowly opened wider and the light was too bright for me to see completely.
"his eyes are opening, lets take him in." another nurse looked up at her and nodded. she stopped walking and i could see her walking elsewhere. it wasn't until i saw the dark black outfit that i knew she was going to tell jungkook what was going on.
i wasnt okay, i could tell. i understood that. but i dont know what else to do.
"we're gonna go ahead and calm him down a bit, get him back to normal. stay put here and youll be able to see him in a short amount of time, okay?" the nurse said.
"is he okay?"
"he will be." she seemed like shes dealt with this a lot in her time of being a nurse or a doctor, whatever she was. "he's just a little shaken up."
—
my toes wiggled but it wasn't because of me. my eyes felt hazy and if i looked one way it'd be a slow transition to that way. my head hurt and my eyes were teary.
"its me." i knew that voice anywhere. it was a habit of smiling when he came around. it just appeared on my face out of the blue even if i heard his name. he gave me butterflies and it probably wasn't good that i felt this way toward him but, i do.
"hi." i said breathily.
"how are you feeling?" he asked, covering my cold feet with his warm hands.
"how are you feeling?"
he sighed and stood up. his hands traveled to the hem of the blanket the doctor gave me and dragged it over my feet. they were bluish and purple, a light purple and kinda pretty somehow but i knew my feet weren't meant to be this color. "i'm worried."
he walked over to the side of my bed and put a hand on the railing of the bed. i felt caged in when id be placed in a hospital. it wasn't always bad since it prevented me from doing anything hurtful to myself.
"...and i'm worried because these panic attacks aren't panic attacks. they're seizures and i should've taken you the hospital a long time ago." his voice felt achy and like he didn't want to tell me.
"am i gonna be okay?"
"who hit you when you were younger?" he asked me. he completely ignored my question and went straight into the past. it was like my mind traveled into another dimension when he wanted me to speak about my past. it was scary, my whole past was terrifying and i never want to go through it again.
"i don't remember." i told him. but i lied. of course i had to lie, my dad was still alive and if jungkook were to find out my dad was the reason behind all of this then there would be more put to use than his fist.
"taehyung, i need you to be honest right now."
"can i just tell you later...please?" he sighed and dropped his head down. he sat back down in the sad chair across from me.
"later and i get my answer."
