Breath

Chapter 1

My life has always been planned and structured. I like my lists and all the stuff that's on them. But there are things that you are not able to plan. Those are things I had to learn, one way or another. But now I don't regret any of it. As hard as it sounds everything settles to its place and it helped me realize that sometimes we have to accept the things we can not change. Even though it makes my heart ache every time I think about it. Still, after all this time I can't stop the tears that are running down my face just by the thought of him. Liam.

I close my eyes and try to concentrate on the sound of the waves that are just a blink away. The sun is shining on my face and the last rain as washed away the last pieces of snow that was left over. Now all I can see are flowers in all kinds of colours and shapes. Their smell is tingling in my nose but I appreciate the change of nature. Now everything comes back to life again. „I brought you some flowers but I can see that you might already have enough.", I say into the wind and point at the flowers around me. Nevertheless I sink down and lay the dandelions on to the big white stone that is right in front of me. „You know, I'm sorry that I came so late. But you know Ma. Always up to something and someone had to save her from her own ideas." A little smile appears on my lips and I sit down next to the stone facing the ocean. It's a breathtaking view and once again I am thankful that we buried him at a place he most felt like himself.
Before everything happened, Liam and I used to come to this place and spent hours just looking at the ocean and talking until the stars where rising above our heads and our parents had to call us to make us leave. This was the place were we became best friends. Where we shared so many secrets and wishes for the future. Where Liam first told me he loved me and where he kissed me for the first time.
But all that now belongs to the past. Since he left this world I couldn't convince myself to keep coming to this place. It holds so many memories that are close to my heart but every time my feet touches the grounds here all I want to do is run away. But not this time.

I spent two hours of talking to Liam. Telling him all about my dreams and about my fears. About how my little sister Lilly now made her first steps and starts to say her first words. All about the new boyfriend of my mother and how my brother Jack tried to scare him away. I cray as I mention that Jack asked about Liam. I didn't happen often but it did happen. I spent hours crying inside my room not being able to go outside just because of that. I knew Jack didn't meant to hurt me but it was a tough time for me. For all of us.
"I think you might be happy to hear that I got accepted. In a few weeks I will be leaving Seattle. I will follow our dream and go to Stanford and I Promis to enjoy every single moment of it.", my voice cracks as I say the last few words. It is so hard to think about going to Stanford without him. Only because of him I started to believe that I could even make it to a College like this. I close my eyes for one last time and breath in the air. And as I open my eyes again I get up and thump of all the dirt that has found its way on to my dress. I rest my hand on the white stone and force myself to a smile. "I will come back. I promise. And until than I will write down everything that happens to me.". I calmly breath in and out again before I dare to say the next three words. "I love you."

And as I walk back to my car it feels like the birds have stopped to whistle and a warm breeze would hug me in comfort and in that very moment I know that everything will be alright. Because Liam will always be there for me. Even if I am not able to see him.