It's the loudest scream, the one that no one will hear.
The plea for help that one will answer to.
Being tired of waiting for someone to come rescue you, so you decide to save your self and fight your demons all on your own.
The wounds that never heal; some scars that just wont close.
The memories that wont erase no matter how far you run, they will chase you to where you escape. Like a shadow they follow you mocking every step you take in the light of day. And by night they swallow you whole into a nightmare that takes every breath away, they'll jab knifes into your throat forbidding you to scream, not letting anyone come to your rescue. So you lie there trapped somewhere in time, a place where your worst of fears bloom like spring, terrorizing you, tearing you apart, holding you hostage in your own mind. They wrap around you like a poisonous ivy, suffocating you, forbidding any light from reaching you, killing you slowly.
You start loosing your mind, and it scares you. You only get one minute of clear focus to try and escape, and you hold on to every second like a life line, take a good look around you and tackle each fear one by one as fast as you can. You do so by playing a game of 'True' or 'False' with them, by deciding which one of those nightmares actually happened and the ones who are just simple fears at the back at your mind. You've sort it out, you get enough common sense now, you know you can defeat them for tonight, you've done it before.
It's that one memory you love and cherish the most that becomes the key to waking up. So you tug deep in your memory to recall it; that sweet smile on that was imprinted in that beautiful face. Those eyes that where filled with warmth and nothing but love towards you. That embrace that let you know everything was going to be fine, and you believed it because you felt so safe. and that voice that will forever be now in your mind, that voice that assured you that you are strong. All of those bits of memory that belonged to one person and one person alone. The one you long for day and night, The person who loved more than life it self, the one that destiny oh so bitterly ripped away from you to a place you can't reach. The person who now only lives in your memory.
You found the courage to wake up, you dug deeper than humanly possible to gain strength to take off running again, to put up a facade for the world to see, because no one out there really cares, and you will not let anyone feed on your pain, so it doesn't matter that you've been tortured, gutted alive, that you been left to bleed to death, that you are holding your insides from falling out with every forceful step you take, it doesn't matter that you have literally died inside and are nothing but an empty shell of who you once where.
You won't let anyone see. And you will not tell them about the monsters who you've encounter and the ones you've still got left to fight.
You run out in to the sun, looking for warmth, looking for her. Tracing every step she took, maybe she's there somewhere hidden where you can't see. But you can't ever find her, because time has made sure to erase her presence. And you scream to all four corners of the world and at the heavens every time begging for your angel to come back because you need her more than air.
You go into a place no one knows; your secret world. A place that once defied the laws of time, a place whose beauty was so radiant, it left diamonds in shame. A place that's now nothing, it's destroyed, a natural disaster that took everything you created and worked for in its stride, and you couldn't do anything to stop it. But that place was still yours, the only hiding safe spot you had left in this life, and you welcome that regardless of its condition.
Screams, screams so loud and full of pain, such a mingled pitch you question if they are even human. You open your eyes only to fin that sounds are coming from you, you are the one screaming. And you wonder why no one can't hear, how can a human possibly live after the degree of pain you've been constantly under? Why does your heart beat still sound so strong when you know you don't have a drop of strength left?
Hiding deeper within your self, where no one can reach or hurt you. Rewinding you to a different point in time when you where happy. To the only place she now lives. And you embrace her mentally and force your self to recall her sent. You remember what it was like to feel loved and appreciated, it's healing. You have to go now, life continues outside and you know you can't stay. Submerging your self back to reality, to continue racing with the clock as if nothing had happened, as if you weren't missing half of you. But you know that if you look back all those shadows are right behind you waiting to strike all over again. So you brace your self knowing all too well no one will come to your rescue and that you have no way out. So run.....
*I miss you Mom*
