Why am I staying?

Catharsis

"But I can't live without you..Please don't leave me, I'm begging you. I want you stay with me forever...I'll always hold onto you...If you leave me I'm Coming with you."

I closed my eyes trying to hide that little pang of hurt I felt in my chest...I tried to calm my racing heart as I rubbed my temples softly trying to get rid of the headache.

I listened to the creatures of the night making weird noises as the moon shone above my head. My back rested against the cold wall as a breeze of summer hit my face. I don't like summer...maybe because of the hot atmosphere or maybe because of a certain someone that I am trying to forget. The season of love feels more like a curse to me now, when people like Shakespeare compared love to a day of summer, I compare it to a winter's moon...mystical and cold.

I don't know when my view on love changed maybe it was the day when I understood just how much complicated the concept of love truly is. It's so wild and weird that it's hard for me to put it in words.

I guess the worst day of summer was the one when I met him...His eyes spoke to me on different levels. My heart literally use to skip a beat when I saw him and my stomach...oh it was filled with butterflies but I guess it was just my common sense flying away.

I use to hear it from people...that time changes everyone, your lover who says that he'll always be there for you is just feeding you with lies...but I never believed them. They said 'Forever and always' was just an illusion but I guess I just jumped in without knowing the consequences.

His 'forever and always' only lasted for some years...so how can anyone expect me to believe in love again?

Imagine yourself being stuck in a dark room with some old 80's music playing in the background, the emptiness you feel inside is heavy as fuck...The venom that runs through your veins is working as a slow poison...so what will you do to get rid of it?

Well I don't know about anyone else but I decided the only way to let it out was to cut open my skin and let the poison drip out of me bit by bit..and I did it so many times. God I hate myself for doing that to me, my skin was not meant to be the canvas for my paintings...I was stuck...I thought he would save me but he didn't.

Even after he showed me his True colors, I stick around him for so many months...I should have left, I never should have stayed but the memories...flashbacks of our first kiss and midnight phone calls were holding me back. The way he use to say my name, the way he use to say 'oh come on' still messes with my head. I'm trying my best to forget him but I loved him so much that I let the false hope blind me...maybe that's why they say love is blind.

But I guess he knew that right from the start...He knew that I was someone who always gave her hundred percent when it came to love and he used me...He used me as a candle to light his darkening world...He used me like a sponge to absorb all of his negative thoughts but my naivety got the best of me...He fooled me so many times and that's exactly what scares me now...deep inside I knew I deserved better but he made me question my worth everyday.

And that's the first red flag...when someone makes you question your self worth then you gotta let them go but I decided to stay maybe that's why he still haunts me.

I didn't notice the tears streaming down my face and before anyone would Come up to check on me, I quickly wiped them off and stood up....I looked at the city lights and cars passing by like a blur...from my point of view they just looked like small orbs of light and nothing else.

Times have changed now, I notice a lot of small details in everything...I have a hard time trusting people and I don't open up easily to anyone anymore...For months I was not myself and no one ever tried to make an effort of knowing why.

Why is such a big question that I think no one knows the answer to...I am still waiting for that answer that never comes my way. I just hope my sufferings will end before I decide to take us both out. I might act like I'm strong but deep inside a forest of thick tress is growing and it's so dense that it absorbs every ray of light and all I'm left with is...pain.

I have bled so much that instead of blood the only things that drips out of me is love. Why was I born with such a soft heart? That's what I always question the god. I wish I was a cold hearted bitch who only cared for herself but that's my problem I care about everyone but myself.

Wish I could go back in time and tell my old self to stop behaving like everything would be fine...It was like when the the world around me was enveloped in flames, he kept on listening to some old rap song. In his arms I felt like I was finally home when his mind...His mind was travelling other places and he had no idea about what was going on.

So dawn goes down to day...nothing gold can stay.