Never thought i would feel this way. Living my life with such lies. Its like living in a world so cold no warm can reach you. I wonder with my mind at sea floating all around, if he ever counts the days since i gone away. I know I do. Im just to young to feel this way. 16 and already feel like im losing my mind. Losing it to thoughts of him being with another girl, hugging her lying to her as he did me. Telling her all the dumb little lies he once whispered to me. He always one for bullshit, well i was always taught that if you hang aroun shit for long enough then you will start smelling of it. I believe this about him. He was no good. He always was a sort of a drifter. Never did say where he was from! He never even told me his last name. But yet i find my self sitting here in a strangly lite room pondering about how hes out there and im in here.
CELL MATES STEP IN TO YOUR DOORWAYS!
Damn it.. The People call for me yet again. I promise diary to get back to you and explain everthing. Until then i must part with you on this accord
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“Loss invites reflection and reformulating and a change of strategies. Loss hurts and bleeds and aches. Loss is always ready to call out your name in the night. Loss follows you home and taunts you at the breakfast table, follows you to work in the morning. You have to make accommodations and broker deals to soften the rabbit punches that loss brings to your daily life. You have to take the word "loser" and add it to your resume and walk around with it on your name tag as it hand-feeds you your own shit in dosages too large for even great beasts to swallow. The word "loser" follows you, bird-dogs you, sniffs you out of whatever fields you hide in because you have to face things clearly and you cannot turn away from what is true.”
― Pat Conroy, My Losing Season: A Memoir
Now you see i have memorzied this. Every word, every pause and ending of senctent. I saw this one day, well not just any day. The day when He left, and walked away from the mess he created and i took blame for.
" Dedication, baby i gots to split, i can't go down for this. I can't go back the shoe. You know what well happen if i do. I'll be there for good".
I thought it was the right thing to do, i mean taking the blame for the Mess. But now as i sit here waiting on his vist i just can't shake the thought of him out there and me in here. "The Shoe" is what everyone around here calls it. I personally don't, that name reminds me of something i know i can't have. Man i would die for a pair of shoes, Vans to tell you the truth, but really anything that would lace up and actually keep my feet warm.....
Every 2nd sunday of the mouth is the day
