Waiting | h.s.

one

It had been exactly one month since I got the call. One month since I heard the sobs from the other line of my shit phone that I had long since lost.

 It seems like time had gone by so fast, yet it dragged so slow with each aching beat my shattered heart took. Living day by day without him was worse than being heartbroken by him personally. This was more painful than having him literally rip my heart out with his bare hand and squeeze every ounce of life out of me until I was left dead before him. I would prefer that because at least he would be here with me. Zayn had told me what happened, and how it had happened. He meant everything to him. I can still remember each sob he held back, the way his voice cracked when he had told me the cause of how he had gone.

 When he told me he was dead, I died.

 I honestly didn't know how I could possibly get through this. I couldn't, and I wouldn't. I had been planning this for a few days now, my window of opportunity was wide open and I needed to leap out of it.

 I extended my arm out towards the coffee table in front of me and gripped the bottle in my too weak hand that was painfully attached to my too weak body. I popped the lid off the orange bottle and spilled as many little white pills as there was left into my already shaking hand. I put them into my mouth, swallowing them hard and dry, feeling them slowly slide down my throat. I was never the type to ever have the courage to do this, but I had run into a wall and was trapped in the dark corner all by myself and didn’t know any other way out.

 I sat there and poured my heart out to nobody, to nothing but the blank wall in front of me, nothing but the image I kept of him in my mind. His sweet sweet scent of mint and citrus still stinging my eyes as tears spilled over relentlessly. I curled into myself, as if hoping I would disintegrate into nothing quickly.

 I wanted to be nothing more than a memory, like he was to me. I knew I would be soon...

 This was possibly the most selfish act I would ever commit in my entire life, but I needed the release. I loved the other boys, they were my family...they all were but I needed to be happy again and this seemed to be my only option.

 Even though he was everything to me while I was nothing to him, so it seemed, I still couldn't fathom the thought of living in the world without him in it. I knew he couldn’t love me, but everytime he came near me, or touched me, hell every time his blue eyes stared into my soul it felt so real. It always felt a little like love, but I knew it never would be, never could. At least not completely. He was physically incapable of loving me, or so he thought. He had always been taught that love wasn’t real, it was a broken promise that could never be kept so that’s how he lived.

 He was so afraid to love, and so was I, but I did it and I will always believe that he did too.

 I gripped the cushion on the couch a little bit tighter as I felt that uncomfortable feeling in my chest, and I couldn’t breathe. Nothing was making sense but I just let my body shut down so slowly around me.

 I bit down into my bottom lip as hard as I could, the taste of blood beginning to fill my mouth. I just wanted, just hoped that it would make me focus on anything other than the agonizing pain that was my heart failing.

 The thing nobody realizes is that my heart failed me months ago, I was already so far gone that only I could see it but refused to fix anything. Like he once told me, you can't fix what's already broken, and I was far beyond fixing.

The literal burn in my chest made me go crazy.

 This was my second attempt in the past month, only this time there was no one here to stop me, and it was too late to turn back, nothing would come up, and I would fall down.

 I remember the day I first met Louis, and all I felt was this feeling, the same feeling I am feeling now. I knew that day that he would be the death of me. I just never imagined that it would be so literal.

 Time was running out, and I was slowly fading into nothing. I clawed at my chest until it was red and raw and I broke the fragile skin, little drops of blood running down my chest. I figured this was it, this was the end, and I wasn’t ready.

 What had I done?

 I began to panic, my heart began to beat faster than it already was, the beats out of time and my hands shaking more than they ever have.

 I screamed out as I felt everything shutting down inside of me, making my throat sting. I pulled on my hair, hoping that would help, but nothing compared to the fire inside. It wasn’t until everything began to blur, everything was spotty, I couldn’t focus.

 I layed on my side, my body curled up, my arm dangling over the edge, one stream of blood rolling slowly down from my broken chest. As I felt my heart slowing down, I saw him. He came over and sat on the floor in front of me, in his stupid The Who shirt that I absolutely adored. He took my shaking hand in his and smiled up at me, his eyes bluer than I had ever seen them. They weren’t glassy or grey. They were blue.

 He looked at me with a sort of sadness that I recognized. It use to be the only expression he wore around me.

“Why, beautiful...” He was here, he was really here. I choked on my tears, the lump in my throat unbearable.

 “I couldn’t live without you, Lou.”

 “But I never left you, love.” I felt the tears roll slowly down my cheek, the cushion absorbing what was left of me. I swiped my tongue across my chapped lips and swallowed the lump that restrained me. My eyelids felt so heavy, I was so weak I couldn’t even move anymore I was so so tired.

 “Why did you leave me?”

 “It was my time to go. Don’t think that I don’t miss you everyday, Harry.”

 “I miss you so much Louis. God dammit, I love you so much, but I couldn’t do it anymore. The physical ache was too unbearable.”

 “I know,” He placed his hand onto my cheek as I layed there and did the only thing I could do at this point. Cry. “You’re almost there love. Just a little while longer.”

 Everything was fading around me, and I knew I was almost there. It hurt so much.

 “Do you love me, Louis?”

 “I’ve always loved you, Harry. I knew it when I met you, I wasn't gonna let you run away." And for the first time in months, I smiled.

 My heart finally felt warm instead of being a broken shard of ice stabbing at my lungs making it almost impossible to breathe. He got up and began to walk away and I tried to sit up to protest but my body felt numb.

“Please don’t leave me!” I croaked out, and he turned around and chuckled.

“Don’t worry, love, it’ll be alright. I promise.” Before I had time to think of a response, he vanished, and I was alone.

 It was all about to be over, the pain, the suffering, the brokenness I felt. Everything was finally going to be okay. The tears had finally stopped falling from my eyes that I'm sure were bloodshot by now and stared up at the white ceiling, my breath slowing as my heart was finally coming to almost a complete stop.

 This was it.

 I shut my eyes and took one last breath, feeling one final tear roll slowly down the side of my face, then all the pain finally went away..