In light of everything, I am thinking of the past, of one in particular.
What can I say about you? I was never deserving of the care you gave me, the safety you provided, nor the understanding you offered me. You were a soul different to others that somehow connected with my own and left a mark on me.
I was unfair to you on multiple occasions, I wish I could reconcile that now. If you ever read this, I am sorry. I could always give an excuse, I was in a bad place mentally, I was intoxicated and manipulated, frightened of what would happen should I go against decisions being made..... but none of that means a damn thing, I simply wasn't brave or strong enough to be someone who could have cared for you the way you always should have been cherished.
That time has well and truly passed. People say you never know what you have until it's gone but I knew what I had, I could see you, but I was too deeply in the dark to let myself believe I would be worthy of it, that I would escape. I had resigned myself to the dark, to the point where I begged forgiveness on my knees for even thinking about crossing into the light...
You knew what was happening, I confided in you as someone who knew my history, you treated my wounds both emotional and physical and I wanted to spend every spare moment I could. However, you had escaped a rather toxic community and I didn't want to pull you back. I wanted you to thrive, to be happy, to be in the sun and you were - I felt like a shadow, I didn't want to be a burden.
Yet you still welcomed me into that small dorm room, still caused a resurgence of warmth inside my chest and I thank you for it.
For now I can feel that warmth again, although she is not you, nor will I ever compare you both, the memory of you gave me hope that some day I would find that soul connection again. Although you weren't a constant in my life, you blew in for the seasons I needed you most, taught me lessons I needed to learn, made me feel what I needed to feel, showed me what I needed to see and when it seemed you were done, the seasons changed and we both moved on.
Thank you for everything, even if you only visit me now in memory.
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