Um... hi?
So it's been... almost a year...
Okay sorry! I don't mean to be this flustered!
I'm a little confused on how to go about this, since it's a LONG story...
Hiya there. Most of the people reading this have an idea of who I am, and if not, welcome to the Bean Palace ™! I hope you enjoy your stay.
For the people that are not sure who this uneducated fart who spergs about japanese cartoons is and just found this while looking for some place to relax- Great to meet ya.
My name is Besbeanaroo, but I often go by Besbean or Bean for short. You can pretty much call me anything (and I mean ANYTHING) so don't be afraid to give me a dumb nickname. I like them. They're cute.
I am a female who is (undisclosed number) years old and I like computers, arguing with defenseless strangers and long walks on the beach. My hobbies include programming, attempting to art and not sleeping. My favorite color is neon pink, my favorite animals are penguins, I have a vortex for a stomach, I suck at Algebra and I read too much.
My sexuality is a mixed bag and I literally do NOT know what in the Lord's name I am, so there's that. And my fashion sense always includes used sneakers for no abhorrent reason. My hair is short and I wear those big obnoxious frames that cover up my weird eyebrow acne.
Okay. So for those who DO know me...
...Sorry! I hate abandoning post like this, but I feel it was necessary. And as Wattpad changed up their groove, I thought I should start getting in touch with ye olde forum buddies before it got too late and my preteen years were shredded to dust in the wave of consumerism.
And before you ask, I am okay. I didn't go into hiding or anything. There is nothing wrong with me. The phase of constantly deleting things and being "black" and "edgy" can simply be chalked up to "I was scared." AKA: Female hormones on steroids. I hate you, ovulation.
I can't say for sure that this won't happen again, but I am surrounded by supportive, caring and loving people who wish the best for me, so it's unlikely I'll crash that hard again. And if I do, please remember it's not your fault. My brain is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get! (+1 if any of you read that it a slurred Tom Hanks voice)
As for why I disappeared: No idea. I think I was starting to see the cracks in myself and went castaway before it got any worse. Great idea on paper, but I left so suddenly and with little explanation that I feel I must've made it worse for myself and other close friends.
Why I'm back: As I'm graduating onto my next couple of years in school, I really do think I need to make the most of it. And yeah, it's ironic that "living life is spending hours writing fan fiction" instead of going outside and DOING something, but here I really did feel a sense of community. Before I went ape with my self-esteem, I felt this was the place to burn it all out. Get my thoughts out. And over time, I really do see why- you all were so sweet and kind to a hurtful little girl like me. And me being too stubborn to understand, just spend the past year alone and frankly a little lonely. A friend was browsing through their account about a week ago and something inside my brain clicked- maybe this is what I had been missing? Of course, I had been counting the days until I built up the strength to click "Log In" for the first time in a long time, but with the end of the school year closing in I refused to give in to superficial desires. However, the sun is out again, I feel like a newborn deer and even though our state got 6 inches of snow just two weeks ago I feel as if I could fly. So, naturally I spent a minute getting back my account and four days trying to remember my password. Hail the Google save option for passwords, my god.
On top of all this, I'm hoping to start blogging so I can get off the book format dealio and move to more professional sites that will help me land a job when the time comes. So yeah...
As I'm writing this, I just took down some old crap that was clogging up my account. Not for annoying snobbish reasons, just to make sure I had all my chickens together and I can keep my focus on what I want to do. And they aren't deleted, just unpublished!!!!
So with that out of the way, here's what I've been doing the past year and a half or so:
•Learning how to blank
•Suffering
Not much, but I assure you, it can't get any better than that. I love summer (:
I know, I know, I should've done this on 4/20, and I should've made a cover, and I should've formatted this better, but look-
It is 11:30 where I am right now. I am tired. This page sounds like tired rambling and trust me, it is. In truth, I am lying in my bed right now, half asleep hoping the editorial fairy will come fix this absolute chaotic mess of an explanation so I can get my point across. I suppose I tend to suck when it comes to the art of subtlety, so here goes:
I want to be more honest with you all than I do myself. I am done with the poetic BS that didn't fix a thing. I am done with random spam books and being too distraught at popularity to notice my real fans. That's probably why I'm so damn tired, I want to get all my thoughts out here for digestion instead of leaving them to myself. I am not treating myself like a coward anymore.
This is primarily a book-writing website. From one ear to another, I really am not a fan of the new design and new marketing tactics and buggy UI. But change is inevitable, and this domain name meant a whole lot more to me than books over the years. It meant family, a hugely weird, mostly dysfunctional and insane family, but a family. Thanks for all these years. I've spent my time detoxing and being generally mind healthy for these past few weeks. But like a fly to honey, I return to my awful but loveable family.
I'm trying to figure out what else to shove down your throats as I reach my word limit for the night, but I don't have specifics. Yes, I'll still write my books, yeah I'll finish them and yeah I promise to keep normal updates as to where I am on the game-o-life. No excuses...
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to open a window or something. I'm burning.
