there were hundreds of them
some fresh and some fading
i'd pretended not to see them
thought i'd bring it up later
i didn't want to ruin your good mood
you didn't smile much anymore
i looked away and retrieved a tub of ben and jerry's cookie dough from my bag
i knew it was your favourite
when i looked up at your face
your smile had disappeared
your eyes were sad
you knew i'd seen
a small thank you escaped your lips
and a single tear fell down your cheek
i wiped it away and pulled you into a hug
we stood there hugging on your doorstep for a very long time
when we broke away
you invited me in
we cuddled under your duvet
watching disney movies until 3am
then you fell asleep
you looked like an angel when you slept
my angel
i watched you sleep for the whole night
not in a creepy way
i just couldn't stop
when you woke up
you explained everything
you told me that he liked another girl
the other girl was skinnier than you
so you starved yourself
you said you cut to punish yourself
when you thought of food
i thought that was strange
most people cut for relief
i understood that
i didn't understand how someone as beautiful as you could hurt yourself
i couldn't understand why you'd want to be like anyone else when you were you
anyway lana
why did you do it?
i know it was for him but was he really worth your life
i don't think he was
before you did it
did you think of me?
of how much it hurts now that you're gone
every day is a strain
i can't sleep
if i do i wake up crying or shaken from the nightmares
it hurts lana
it really really hurts
