My life

This is my side of the story

I never met my grandma she died nine years before I was born. I have an older sister and younger sister both two years apart from me. When we were little my mom and dad would fight. My dad was always out drinking after work and my mom would take her anger out on us not abusively but everything was our fault and she would yell at us. Then when I was 4 my mom asked my dad to leave that was hard. My dad moved out and stayed with his brother while my mom had the house then a little bit after that she met my stepdad they were friends for a bit and we got use to him then my mom and him started dating and it did not seem very different we did not think anything of it. Then my dad met a new lady we went to her house for the first time and I was not use to it. My sisters and I walked through the door and when I turned around my dad and her were kissing it felt like a punch in the stomach. They dated for a little bit then one day we went to our dads and she was not there, their relationship ended and I was so happy.

But...
while all of this was happening at home I was in kindergarten and the kids were not nice to me I had one friend Ace but she bullied me to. I hated myself but I was a kid and tried to brush it off. Then when I was in grade 1 I told my teacher that I was not coming back to the school because my mom had moved me and my sisters out of that school. One of my bullies over heard and she said "good nobody wants you here anyway". That was hard to hear a 6 year old.
We moved to a school closer to our house and I thought it would be better here. I thought I would make friends but the kids here were even worse. They called me fat and made fun of my close and said I was dumb. One kid called me an ass then told the teacher that he was only calling me a donkey like that is any better. I hated it I wanted to die. I just wanted everything to stop, I was 7. I stayed at that school until Christmas in grade 4 then I switched to a catholic school. My dumb naive self thought that the kids there would be nice because they go to church and they are always the nice kids in the movies. I guess I could not tell real life from a movie then. My first day there and it took 15 mins for someone to introduce themselves and that person I really wish they did not. You see I was already dealing with depression and I hated myself and I did not want to have anymore bad in my life but she came over and then said come hang out with me and my friends she was rude but her friends were nice.
She bullied me along with almost everyone else at that school I did not fit in with anyone. St first the populate wanted to hangout with me only so they could talk about me behind my back and then the random groups of people. After that it was the boys that I would hangout with and after that it was the weird kids who really were not that weird only different from the others. I did not fit in with any of them. I kept to myself but that only made the bullies pick on me more.
Now in grade six I was at the top of my class for a bit but then it got to be to much and I started to slack off and I could not take it anymore I had been suffering in silence for way to long, June 22 2016 I took a blade to my wrist for the first time. Now I am wishing I never did that, I am wishing my younger self had someone to go up to them to see how badly I was hurting so they could help me because if I never did what i did then maybe i would not be feeling the way I do right now or the way I did. If I just knew that people were there for me then maybe it would not have gotten as bad as it did. It takes one person to hurt someone, something to do anything and one person to stop that. Back in grade six I had nobody I made bad choices and I wish I could take them back but I can't. I started to cut everyday nothing deep but they where there the scars still are. I would stop cutting for small periods at a time but then it got so bad that I just could not stop.
In grade 7 I wanted to end my life but with the few friends I had I managed to pull myself back over the ledge I did not tell anyone about my pain and suffering until one of my friends saw my scars that was hard it killed me to see how it hurt him. Then my parents found out and I stopped but then shit got hard again I could not deal without doing it. I started to take my blades to school and i would go to the bathroom and hide in a stall and cry as I did it. Nobody knew I did not tell anyone about that until now. I was dealing with so much shit I started to give my lunches away and only breakfast and dinner then it was only dinner then I would lie and say I already ate or I was not feeling good. Over the summer leading to grade 8 I started to eat more and it was ok I was happy again but when I started school I fell back into that same hole and I started to self harm and stop eating. In January of 2018 my friends dad passed away and it was hard because it was hard on her I was taking that pain because I had been through so much loss in my life I could not deal and I told someone about my depression. And how I was not eating it was hard I cried a lot I did not tell them about my self harm or my abuse to nicotine and alcohol but they soon found out when me and a friend got into a fight over text and her parents read the messages they called the school who called my mom that was hard I felt so betrayed but it was for the best. March 25 2018 was the last time I had self harmed and I am still clean to this day(hopefully/don't know when you are reading this). I threw out my blades not long after that but the urges and thoughts were still there. May 10 2018 i told my mom i wanted to die and she called the police. That was really hard I did not know how to deal with that both my sisters were crying they where so scared I was so blinded by my own pain I did not know how much I was hurting the people I love.
I made it through grade 8 and there were more times were I wanted to end it all but I thought of that night and it kept me on the safe side of the bridge. I graduated and started high school I was really excited until I realized that people who bullied me at my second school were going there and they were in some of my classes. I thought that would be the end of me but they have not done anything yet. I joined the sevens season for rugby and now we have the regular season of rugby and I love it. Without rugby and my girlfriend I don't know what I would do. Life is shrill hard but I am surviving. As of April 22 2019 I am 1 year 28 days clean or 393 days total.
Thank you for reading my story.