It was after she finished telling her story that I felt my heart break for the second time ever. And it was the first time I felt the real weight of the fact: she was already dead. And she was going back.
It was already dark and I had school in the morning but Keith, my step-father, had been knocked out cold. I figured he woudn't miss me for a while. In the moment that I looked up, away from her anguished face I felt like the moon was mocking me, by shining so bright and calmly and climbing slowly into the arms of the sky. The first of the stars had started to blink themselves awake, squeezing my heart. That's was she was to me in so little time. My star.
And suddenly my hands found their way into her short, downy hair. They ended up tangled there and I wasn't especially careful when I tugged them through. She had already told me that she wasn't sure about how she felt, about me, about us. Yet at the moment, I didn't particularly care.
I started at her forehead and left a trail down her face and neck with my lips. My lips came back wet with her tears. I wiped her cold face with one of my hands and her stormy eyes bored into me, looking more sorry than I'd seen them so far. It wasn't until she reached up and started smoothing over my cheeks that I realized I was crying too. An involuntary sob crept up my throat when I leaned my forehead against hers. I tried to disguise it as a cough.
"This isn't right," she whispered. An owl or something hooted somewhere far behind me, and the distant lights of my neighborhood shown through the trees. "This can't happen. We can't happen. Jude, are you hearin' me?" Her voice was thick and heated, and there was that accent again. I heard her all right, but I wasn't listening.
Next thing I knew, my lips where on hers. It was my second kiss ever, but the first time I'd ever meant it. I poured all the sadness, fear, and regret I could into it. She was doing the same, I think. I didn't realize how hard I was pushing against her until she stumbled backwards, falling against a tree. It audibly knocked the wind out of her, our teeth banged against each other's, but somehow that only made me press harder and thank god, she kept pushing back.
"Jude...we can't..." she mumbled against me when she could. I didn't let her say anymore. For a while, it was just us, and the air around us heating up, and the sound of her hair catching on the bark, and bullfrogs, and crickets. If I'd had the chance I would've recorded us and fallen asleep to the sound of that forever. Which to be honest is kind of creepy, but still.
I pulled back slowly, both of us breathing hard. My hands where curled into her hair again and hers were holding my face and I swear I couldn't have asked for a more perfect moment. At that moment, I could see into the deepest parts of her. I also realized I could see right through her. She was becoming translucent. She was being summoned back, like she'd told me would happen. I was still taken by surprise.
Then I panicked, "Hester, I think I love you." Yes. Smooth Jude, confuse the girl more than she already was. Way to ruin the mood.
She looked down at her shoes. I thought she'd be disgusted or angry or just quietly accept it. I mentally beat the crap out of myself until she made a small noise. She was crying and my hands were starting to sink into her fading body. "Star, stop crying. Look at me. I want to look at you one more time. So I never forget." Cheesy, I know, but that's how I really felt. I firmly grasped her forearms so she would look up.
Four feet and eight inches of spunk, prestige, apathy, and hot temper; my orange sweatshirt came down to nearly her knees and her dark jeans were folded up neatly once, the way they always were. I let my gaze wander up her body. Her sleeves were shoved up, her thin dark arms hanging limply at her sides. Some of her tangled hair still had white paint on it from helping Mr. C fix a hole in a wall earlier (and I would never tell her this, but the patch she'd had to shave off on account of me "accidentally" super-gluing a flower to her head, looked absolutely unflattering). Her hair defied gravity, and so did my stomach, when she looked at me the way she was right now. She rubbed her upturned red nose on her arm. I wrinkled my face at her and let go of her arms, "Gross, did you just get snot on your arm?" She scoffed and punched me in the shoulder. Or she tried.
Her arm went right through my torso. I could see through her face to the rough bark of the tree behind her. I registered worry, fear, and frantic anxiety flash through Hester's eyes. She reached for me again and I lean forward to kiss her one more time. For a second I felt her damp lips against mine, then gravity yanked me forward by my collar and I executed a perfect faceplant on the tree. She squeaked and jumped to one side. I'd gone right through her.
At this point she became hysterical. I ended up sitting on the ground, my back to the tree. She cried into her palms next to me. After a few minutes I could barely make out her outline. She finally calmed down and looked up. Her eyes were puffy and her nose was starting to run for real this time.
I was going to say something along the lines of, hey, the translucent look is all the rage in Hell right now, but she cut me off (thankfully). She tried to place her hand on my thigh, but it went right through, turning her hysteria into anger. "Jude, when you said you thought you loved me...you know we're just 16 right? And I hated you 'bout a month ago. And also love is kind of strong a-"
Now I could only see the parts of her that the moonlight was bathing. "I love you, Star."
"Okay. I think.. uhm. Okay, I love the way you're completely insufferable. I love your long fingers, and your busted up lil' ukulele, and your stringy blonde hair-"
"Hey, none of that is good! And what the hell my hair is not-"
"Hush up...I'm not done," She passed her insubstantial hand down my neck. I couldn't feel it but I shivered anyway. She continued. And the next little speech she gave shocked me so bad that I didn't notice that she'd completely faded. I sat by myself midst the dark trees and let the stars mock me.
You're probably wondering why the hell it is I'm reminiscing about kissing some girl in the woods. To be honest, I'm not completely sure myself. All I know is that I was never supposed to have been able to her. Hester Alvarez had gone from one of the people I was most weary of to suddenly becoming the person who meant the most to me. Now I doubt I'll ever see her again.
My name is Jude Blackbourne and if you're reading this, looking for a heart-warming romance between star-crossed lovers then you need to opt out now. Hester and I are more than crossed; we're folded, twisted, bent, tied, stretched, generally more than just fated to be kept apart. And strings only become more knotted when you try to untangle them.
