The games you play

Who I was

I was bouncing around from home to home, shelter to shelter. I was out of lost with everything. I had no support from family. I was tired, drained, overwhelmed. I wanted to kill myself. I couldn't take life anymore. I had two kids to feed and I was bad at it. I asked a lady who I knew since I was four years old if I could stay with her. I told her that I only get $300 a month in cash assistance. I don't have much to pay but I can really afford $100. She didn't except that. She wanted me to pay her $240 out of that 300. Not thinking that I have to feed my kids, clothe my kids, buy personal hygiene products. She said that was my only way of me able to stay if I paid her that money. I gave her the money because I needed something. I was tired of sleeping in abandon buildings, under bridges, on the streets, in the ally's. I sacrificed a lot. Even tho she gave us a place to lay our heads and shower. I was still depressed. I had no money. I was putting 40 hours a week towards job hunting on her computer. I felt like I was getting no where. Interview after Interview I couldn't find nothing. I than went into a place for help. Help with childcare, food, jobs, clothing. They gave me all the resources they could but it wasn't much help. I got assigned a case  manager to help me with job hunting and childcare after three months. It was somewhat of a relief. She help me get childcare where I only pay $ 166 a month out of my cash assistance. I told the lady that I was stay with that I can no longer pay the amount she is asking because of the child care. Her response was well since you can't pay that you can't stay here. Isn't this a son of a bitch. I told her I wasn't leaving because she can't legally put me out. I told her that she would have to go to the court office and give me an eviction notice.I told her I refuse to be out on the streets again with my kids when I'm just getting a head start in life. 

You call yourself a christian woman, a woman of GOD and you're trying to put me and my girls out ? Nothing about that is christian, holy, sanctified or whatever you want to call it. I said to her. Karma is going to get you. It may not be today, tomorrow, or next week, but she'll come around. and when she does, don't look to the sky asking GOD why. He has nothing to do with it.

I'm paying you all this money to sleep on your floor. I don't have a bed to lay on, I can barely put groceries in the fridge because I don't have enough room. You take up 99% of the fridge and I have 1% of it. I clean up after me and my kids but you make a fuss because it is not done your way. I dealt with her shit for the last six months I've been here and you have the audacity to tell me to leave because I can't pay you to sleep on the floor ??? Are you fucking sick in the head or something ? It's People like you that has me second guessing if I want to be a christian or not or even believe there is even a GOD in the sky to believe in.  Where the fuck is he in this situation? I seriously doubt that you talk to GOD about what your answer about where I should stay here or not. I doubt it that it'll tell you put me out with two kids and no money ! and if he did tell you that I don't want no part of this so called christian life. She sat there looking at me stunned about what I said, She had the audacity to say she was going to pray for me while I was out on the streets. Like what type of sick shit is that ? It's okay I'll leave you don't have to beg me stay. FUCK YOU AND THIS PLACE!!!! FUCK GOD !!! I told my girls put their shoes on let's going.

Mommy where are we going ? Taylor asked,  My oldest daughter. I ignored her. 

Mommy where are we going ? Jayla asked too, My youngest daughter. Again I ignored.

I packed a little bit of clothes and little bit of hygiene products. She didn't say a word as I was leaving it's like she didn't feel bad about what she was doing. I was hoping she would stop me. But she didn't she watched me pack my things and leave. I  put my book bag across my shoulders and left. It  was hot outside. I really didn't know where I was going, I had no money, no job, no car, no nothing. I really didn't know what to do. I walked for miles trying to find a place to rest. It was so hot.... I thought of what I could for some quick cash, so many things came to mind. One thing I did not want to do is trick or strip but at this point in life I might as well. Jobs won't hire me so why not. It's either trap or die, I felt like killing myself and leaving my kids here. I can't take care of them and their dads just walked out of their lives. My kids looked at me and I looked at them while I hold my tears back. Time was passing and the day was going by. It was dark and we was still sitting in the same spot. My kids had fell asleep and I was up just watching people walk by and cars just going. I wanted out of this life. I really couldn't take life at this point. Should I leave my kids here and just in front of one of these cars ? Do I take all of us and just jump off a bridge ? Nobody wanted us nobody needed us. Nobody loved us. What the fuck is love at this point ? GOD or whoever is above the sky just kill me now because this is not for me. I have no family, no love no support. Just kill me.