Edge of Desire | jhs

Human

E I G H T E E N

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─── 

❝ You gave me the best of me, so you'll give you the best of you❞ — BTS; Magic Shop

H O S E O K

I SHOULDN'T BE THINKING of the girl with rich long brown hair cascading down her chest, soft bright caramel eyes of innocence, and a smile that lights up your entire universe. Suddenly a flashback of the picture frame sitting on Bang P.D'S work desk enters my mind. It's the same girl but her younger. 

Before I can think, my body responds. I stand up and make for the entrance door, pull it open and disappear behind as it closes with a quiet shut. When I'm finally out it's more clear and I'm able to breathe. 

I smile at the touch of the wind across my face. It seems I'm free once my eyes close, listening to the howls of the wind picking up leaves like a whirlwind. My eyes are shut when a scene flashes in my mind causing my eyes to snap open, landing flat on my butt against the porch, breathing uneven.

"Hoseok, can you close your eyes and count to ten for me, please?" A gentle, warm, and mild voice says. I do as I'm told, smiling like an idiot, excitement, and thrill filling me up until there are none and all of the sudden I have trouble breathing when my eyes open to see mom gone.

And I'm left alone in the middle of an amusement park, in front of a carousel.

I'm crying.

And everything goes black.

I try to fight back tears but they don't hold on tight. They drip one by one until I hear myself quietly crying, muffling three words I wish I could tell mom before she left me. 

Head buried in my arms while hugging my knees close to my chest, the bangs of my black hair fall to cover my forehead. Frustrated that all I can do is cry and not keep my walls strong and standing as they fall down so does every part of me. 

I hear myself say, I love you, mom. 

I tell myself to stop crying, you're a man, so be one, and I do stop.  Part of me wants to keep crying, but I got to stay strong.

Someone knocks on the door, opens it, then it shuts from behind. The sounds of footsteps shuffling near, yet I don't turn around and pretend I'm thinking, just staring at the ground. 

I can sense the person crouching to sit next to me. My shoulders rise in anxious at a hand promptly landing on my shoulder, giving a squeeze to it. I fight the urge to look who's there, but the scent is unfamiliar. It's like a fruity, sweet smell of the flower lotus and a drizzle of spring rain. 

"The boys are looking for you. They told me you'd probably be outside, but why?"

She gives my shoulder a squeeze again. I don't look at her, knowing well enough she wouldn't want to see me in this miserable state. I feel her eyes roam every now delicate flushed feature of my face, her breathing steady.

Why does it feel like she can look right through me, or is it just a universal thing when observing someone or something?

"Were you crying?" Her voice sort of shakes. I don't reply. "Hey, listen to me. It's okay, breath, don't think too much," it doesn't sound like a command or advice. 

I want to ask Sooyun why is she here? Suga or Namjoon hyung could've come. But I don't say anything because I know I'll break down again.

"Hey, Hoseok, look at me. Do you know how proud I am of you? I couldn't ask for better inspiration, the sun in my winter, an idol, who's their amazing self. You are the best of your own self, Hoseok. "

Slowly my head lifts up meeting her soft gaze and although my eyes burn there's something deeper behind her's that makes me whole again. She studies me carefully like Sherlock Holmes solving a crime, but more softly and careful to not irritate or make me jump to conclusions. Timid, gentle, precautious in actions, Sooyun gives me a look as if asking for permission for whatever she's about to do. Unknowingly, I find myself nodding, allowing her, though I barely know her. At first, she's unsure, but then slowly her arm extends, hand reaching out, tangles in my black hair.  

Her cheeks tint a blush of a rose's and her eyes sparkle, looking at me in a motherly way. Then she does something unexpected. This girl sitting beside me ruffles my hair softly as a smile plays at her face. My eyes widen and I'm frozen. I feel myself get pulled in, her arms wrapping around me. And my heart beats never like in a million years apart from when I perform on stage, seeing the fans, and being with the group members. 

I'm yelling mentally and wailing like a lost boy, clutching her shirt tightly while her hands move in slow rotations on my back.

She just holds me tight, saying it's okay to cry, you're human after all.

. . .

When we arrive back inside the house everyone has gathered around the large tortilla colored sofa, four on the rectangular carpet. Their eyes are focused on the screen, observing what's happening in the movie. While three of them enjoy their snacks, unbothered—their face excited or dull of boredom.

Seokjin and Jimin jump at the terrifying scene then into laughter, and there's me who clearly jumped out of his skin, eyes aghast, face white. My eyes travel down to find myself clinging onto the girl's arm next to me—Sooyun. 

Her eyes widen too, surprised, but she laughs it off. I back away, apologizing, and laugh back, regardless of what just occurred. 

"Why are you still laughing?" 

"I know you're afraid of many things like horror movies, but it's still funny seeing your reactions. Laughter is the best medicine anyway because it helps you feel better." 

"Hey, Sooyun, are you an army?"

"I've been an army since you guys, Bangtan Soyeondan debuted." 

I can tell she's not lying as a proud smile slips on her face, eyes animated as she talks about how she dived into the fandom and found us.

I'm shocked.

But in a good way.

Oddly, I trust her. I tell her my worries, and before I know it, we're sitting on the sofa beside each other, enjoying the movie.

"Hoseok, why didn't you tell anyone else about this? I understand and respect your decisions, thoughts, how you feel, but try looking for a new angle? Just like Tadashi Hamada said to Hiro, Shake things up. Use that big brain of yours to think your way out! Look for a new angle."

"What if I want to discontinue being an idol?" I look at her, eyes burning. 

My heart aches just thinking about it. 

By now her eyes are about to be filled with tears, but she stays strong. 

Ripping my eyes away from her's, I focus on the movie, however, an extremely terrifying scene plays and my heart jumps out of my chest as if the blood in my veins has stopped flowing and I find my hand next to Sooyun's.

Our eyes slowly travel up to meet each other's gaze until I feel her hand envelop mine, squeezing it lightly.

She smiles that smile again, then releases my hand quickly, tearing her eyes away from mine, but looks back up at me, "If you do, I'll still be an army, and support you. I believe in you. Hoseok, you can do it, face yourself, Jung Hoseok."