Trigger warning ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ mentions of suicide ———————————————
As I sat on the beach, I felt the hot sand against my cool skin. The ocean twinkled as it danced and intertwined with itself whilst the sun smiled down at the masterpiece below it. To anybody, this would be a utopian vision but this meant nothing to me. This was nothing without her. This was nothing without Robyn by my side. I felt my soul cry out for her. I couldn't help the tears that flooded my eyes and rolled down my chin as I remembered all the moments we shared on this beach. All the stories, all the laughs, all the songs, all the tears... all the pain.
Earlier that year
As I walked through the beach, I felt the hot sand beneath my feet and the cool Barbadian breeze against my skin. Sounds of a guitar filled my ears, which was closely followed by a soft accented voice. My legs brought me closer to the beautiful symphony. A radiant skinned Bajan woman with tattoos scattered across her skin like frescos painted by Michelangelo himself, was sat on the sand clutching her guitar as she strummed effortlessly and sang along. Her eyes resembled rolling hills of grassland with speckles of forget me not. Jet-black coils formed her perfect, round afro, which complimented her oval shaped face. Her heart shaped lips the colour of hibiscus flowers in their prime. After a few minutes of singing, the emerald-eyed beauty acknowledged my presence. I expected her to speak but instead her eyes wandered my body.
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I looked up from my guitar and saw a caramel woman with freckles dotted across her skin like kisses from the sun standing before me. I found myself lost in the swirling pools of honey in her eyes. Her hair, matching her eyes, and ensemble of different shades of honey in ringlets, which cascaded over her shoulders and down her back. Her eyebrows sat perfectly arched above her eyes. Her lips were plump and the perfect shade of pink. "Hey, I'm Beyoncé. And you are?" Her deep, smooth voice wrapped around me like silk. I opened my mouth to reply but the words caught in my throat as I gawked at the goddess of a woman. "Robyn, my name is Robyn," I finally managed to say. "Your voice is beautiful." She complimented. "Your face is beautiful." I said before I could even register the words that spilled from my lips.
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I chuckled at the Barbadian beauty and sat in the sand with her. We talked for hours; it was as if our souls had known one another since the beginning of time but our physical beings were just meeting. In that time, I learnt about her childhood, which mainly consisted of her father and her struggle with bipolar disorder. She spoke of how they would spend their time on the beach writing songs, how her father would recount stories about her mother (who had died giving birth to Robyn) and how he taught her how to cope with her mental illness. "He taught me how to float." She said. "He told me lay flat in the water and let the waves wash the pain away. He told me to let it all just float away." Her eyes twinkled as she spoke of her beloved father.
As the sun began to set it created a purple haze, which glowed as it shone onto the beach. When it came time to return home to my villa, I couldn't do it. Something within me could bare to be separated from her; it was as if she had a hold on my soul. I didn't know what to do. My mouth moved faster than my mind could register and asked the unthinkable. "Robyn would you spend the night with me please?" She must have felt the connection too because to my surprise she said yes. We walked home with our hands clasped together in perfect proportion like puzzle pieces made exclusively for the other. It was odd but it felt right. As we laid together cushioned by clouds, our bodies gravitated towards each other and before long her small frame was wrapped in my arms as she snuggled into my chest. I could feel her heart beating in synchronisation with mine. She gazed up at me and I saw the unmistakable twinkle in her eyes. The same twinkled that her eyes harboured when she spoke of her beloved father.
I arose to rays of sun peeking through the curtains and the harmonies of singing birds. As I looked down, was pleasantly surprised with a coily haired Robyn clinging to my body like a cub to its mother. Her hands entangled in my golden brown locks and her legs intertwined with mine like strands of hair in a braid. Rays of sun left droplets of gold against Robyn's skin leaving her skin glistening; the epitome of morning glory. I felt my heart glow at the sight before me. I felt like I'd never truly lived or loved until this moment.
6 months later
Between the two of us, time sped ahead whilst we were left soaking in every second. Soaking in every word, every song, every lyric, every note, every, last breath. Time with Robyn had changed though; she stopped speaking. She spent her days floating; desperately trying to wash the pain away and spent her nights scrawling in her notebook, strumming various chords whilst tears spilled from her eyes. Whenever our eyes made contact they screamed out for me to save her from the hell that was her mind but I didn't know how to. All I could do was wrap my arms around her and let her snuggle into my chest just as she did when we first met. It pained me deeply to know that I couldn't save her from the civil war within her.
It was 4:44 am when an eager Robyn waked me. She had her guitar clasped in her hands, which was expected, as this is how her nights were spent. I sat up and watched her, not questioning her eagerness. Her slender fingers plucked at her guitar strings and she opened her mouth to sing. Two thousand lifetimes of pain and suffering spilled from her lips as she sung. "I'm screaming murderer, I'm screaming murderer, I call it murder; no love allowed." I couldn't help the tears that trickled from my eyes; she was letting the pain float away.
As I played the last chord, I felt free. No more pain or hurt. I was finally free. My legs began to move and when they stopped, I found myself standing on the beach with the waves lapping at my feet. I felt Beyoncé's presence behind me watching, she always watched me float. "Don't float away from me Robyn. I can't live without you." She would say. I felt a presence call me to the ocean. "Float sweetie; come and join daddy." I smiled. I walked into the ocean ready to join my father. I laid in the water and let it carry me. Let it wash away all the hurt. Let it hydrate me with my one true desire. Beyoncé floating away with me until the end of time. The water carried me until I felt no more. Goodbye my love.
I watched as she floated away. It broke my soul to see her go. My legs carried me to her favourite spot on the beach. As I sat on the beach, I felt the hot sand against my cool skin. The ocean twinkled as it danced and intertwined with itself whilst the moon smiled down at the masterpiece below it. To anybody, this would be a utopian vision but this meant nothing to me. This was nothing without her. This was nothing without Robyn by my side. I felt my soul cry out for her. I couldn't help the tears that flooded my eyes and rolled down my chin as I remembered all the moments we shared on this beach. All the stories, all the laughs, all the songs, all the tears... all the pain. I opened my pocket and played a cassette tape Robyn gave to me. "For when the time comes." She said. Back then, I didn't understand what she meant but now I know; the time has come. I stepped out into the ocean. There was no life without her here; she took part of my soul when she floated away. I laid in the water just as she did and let my pain wash away. As I took my last breath, the last sound to grace my ears was her voice "I live so I can... die with you."
