My First Love

The Break Up

This is how I was feeling when my first love broke up with me. 

I don't know where it all went wrong. I love him. I'm so lost without him. I want him. But he doesn't need me and he doesn't care that much for me if he can go and break my heart. He thought it was hurting both of us by being in the relationship when it hurt more without him. I just don't understand. I can hear myself screaming in my hear, please. I'm begging you don't leave me. It hurts to much. I can hear it echoing in my head, reminding me of the memories we have together. The chemistry we have together. That apparently means nothing to him if he can throw me away like I'm nothing. Like he doesn't love me, like we couldn't get through this together. I wanna go to him and beg him. I wanna stop hurting. I want it to all stop. Why couldn't he communicate with me, why couldn't he stay with me and love me. I'm so confused and so lost. My life seems so empty and so different without him. My depression doesn't even feel that bad anymore because I am so numb. Multiple times I had thought about taking my life. He thinks this is what's best. What was best for me was him. It's so hard to move on but I have to try. I've cried every day since. I can't see pictures of him or think about seeing him without having a panic attack. Everything was so good and when it got bad he threw me away. Like I meant nothing to him, like I was nothing special. I would've said yes if he proposed. If I didn't think that I wouldn't have slept with him, I wouldn't have gave myself to him, I wouldn't said I loved him, and I wouldn't have started dating him. Now it's gone. Everything I love about him, from his smirk to his laugh, from his voice to the way he smells. I miss everything. And now I never gonna get that back. I'm never gonna be able to hold him in my arms, kiss him, make him smile, have him make me feel like everything's okay. Because everything's not okay. It never will be. I can't move on. And I can't seem to get him out of my head. I just wanna see his face. I can still remember the voice in screaming in my head. Please don't do this. Please don't leave me. I thought you loved me. Why would you do this to me? Why would you cause me so much pain. I remember the pain I felt when it happened. How my mind went foggy and I couldn't think. It's hard to sleep at night without thinking about him. I'll wake up pat 5 am and can't fall asleep because I'm thinking about him. I know he cares about me. If he cares about me then why did he hurt me like this. Why did he leave me like this? Does he even feel the same way. Does he think about me at night before he goes to sleep? Does he miss me like I miss him? It doesn't feel like it. It's going to take months to get over him. I always joked if he died it would take me 5 years to get over him. Right now this feels so real. I remember the late night car ride. The times we messed around. The times we laughed about stupid things. We introduced us to each others families and now he's going to throw it away like it didn't mean anything to us. Like we didn't love each other. And he's going to pretend that he didn't just break my heart. I wanted to be with him forever and he obviously didn't. I don't want to find anyone else and I couldn't image him with anyone else. Maybe if I just let him smoke and drink that everything would be okay. The honeymoon phase was over and he thought that our relationship should be over. I'm so mentally exhausted that and I just don't understand why I cant be in his arms. I still think he's the one for me. I don't want anyone else. I just want him. It hurts. It's so fucking hard to let go. I saw him at prom and it hurt so fucking much. I cried all my makeup off and almost killed myself. Cuz I don't want to fucking feeling so fucking awful anymore. I feel so fucking lonely and lost. He threw me away like he didn't care. I hate this so fucking much because I love him so much but her hurt me so much and I want to slap him. But I want to kiss him and be who we used to be together. Our song played at prom and I almost didn't go down grand march but I was convinced. If I knew he was there I wouldn't have gone. I wonder if he's feeling the same as I am. So are you?

It's been almost 2 months and I still think about him everyday. It hurts me more now of how I was feeling when he broke up with me then about him breaking up with me. I feel like crying at how hurt I was. It's ridiculous of how heartbroken I was but I love him. I will always love him. I feel like I wasn't what he wasn't looking for anymore and I wasn't good enough for him. I know some day though I will find someone that I will good enough for. I tried to move on but I got scared and realized I didn't belong with the guy. I know I'll move on and I'll get my heart crushed again. My mind wants to move on faster than my heart and I need to tell myself that it will take time. I know hes going to be at graduation. I know im going to see him. I have no idea how Ill feel or how he'll react. I'll never know how hes feeling. I blocked him and after a while unblocked him but never added him back. After I felt like I didn't need him anymore. I've cried about 2 more times after prom but now I feel like crying just remembering the pain I was in. So I'm going to post this. And, I will never look at it again.

"It gets better."

"It doesn't mean I wasn't the best for you, it means you weren't the best for me."