whispers and mutters volume 3: lysergic acid | blasnique

Chapter 3

BLASTER

Having copious amounts of cocaine isn't exactly what my twenty one year old self would like to see. I actually think my early twenties self would actually despise me the way my father did.

That Blaster is gone cause he's lost in clouds of drugs. Anxiety is something that I still deal with up to this date, it has become a feeling and an actual mood of mine rather than an actual nervous disorder.

That shitty therapist that I had in '81 took me to an actual psychiatrist and then prescribed me with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs cause apparently I was depressed. Xanax doesn't make me feel better. One pill is never enough.

It all started with booze and some zans until I got to America.

It all started with a little drug habit because of nightly parties and events. I liked it in 'Merica, they never knew who I really am. A small amount of people do. I am famous in some filipino-populated states but I never went there. I never wanted to.

There's always something or someone stopping me from doing the things that I want to do.

In this case, no one stopped me from this worsening drug habit.

I've done much drugs back in America, most of the time it was all just because of peer pressure. I never wanted to turn out like this.

I just can't let my friends down.

I've self destructed myself for such a long amount of time.

My old self won't like this self destruction that I'm currently doing to myself. Twenty one year old Blaster doesn't like drugs.

I remember hating Zild so much (it's all reasonable) and I hate and I am ashamed to say this, but I think I'm slowly turning out to be like him.

I reach for my drawer, looking for the drugs. I held the lighter under the rectangle aluminum foil, the bubbling sounds of heroin filling through the atmosphere, I then inhaled the smoke of heroin through a toilet roll tube.

I try to stay sober, but sometimes things like this become obligations.