Banished

1: Off with Her Head

"Rule #52: To avoid rookie mistakes, it is highly recommended that brave, new heroes read The Questing Handbook for Daring Adventurers. The more faint of heart can try The Coward's Guide to Seeming Heroic. Both are available to purchase from Surfs and Nobles Bookseller."

-Definitive Fairy-Tale Survival Guide, Volume 1

1
Off with Her Head
Rexi

Rain pounded against the shutters and ramparts, seeping between the crumbling stones of Camelot and dampening the cracks in the walls. More importantly, the downpour dampened the sounds of our footsteps down the hall. Honestly, we couldn't have asked for more perfect weather or better backdrop for our violent intentions.
The pretender had to go.
Don't judge me. A king has to make tough choices. Especially kings that were former palace kitchen girls who were forced to pretend they're a guy to sneak into the all-boys club, Camelot, and then accidently got crowned in the process so they have to keep pretending to be a boy or face the wrath of an angry mob and hang for treason. So yeah, as king of Camelot, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. At least that's what I told myself as I peered into the dark bedchamber, Excalibur in hand. I could barely make out a large shape in the bed, the blanket shifting ever so slightly, rising and falling with a slight nasal whistling of breath.
"So what's the-"
Mordred cut me off abruptly, one hand clamping across my mouth and the other bringing a finger to his lips in a shushing gesture. Then he tilted his head toward the door...waiting. The wheezing intake of breath continued uninterrupted.
I scowled and knocked his hand away, annoyed but silent.
Mordred was the military expert here, with more assassinations under his belt than I cared to think about. It didn't take a genius to know I was about to ask him what our plan was, so without speaking, he tried miming it out.
While I didn't know the proper hand signals among the knights, I prided myself on my charade skills, as there weren't a whole lot of entertainment options growing up in Sherwood Forest.
Mordred didn't share my talent.
He laid out a story with his hands, pointing, gesturing with dancing fingers. I tried to follow along, but the gestures were too fast and jumbled. At my vacant expression, he hit his palm against his forehead and started over, this time slower so I could follow along.
First, he pointed to himself. And then he pointed to the left side of the bed. Next he pointed to me, and then made a two-fingered gesture like walking. Then he made the weird signals again, sort of like rock, scroll, scissors.
Bird? Horse? Sleeping princess? No, nuh-uh. I was not kissing anyone. But the last gesture was clear. A slice across the neck. Nodding, I gave Mordred the thumbs-up. I understood the beginning and the end.
Good enough for me.
He eased open the door, a hand on the hinges to muffle any squeaks. Once the opening was wide enough, we slipped inside. Since he was going to go left, I guessed I should go right. With my hand on the hilt of Excalibur, I made my way forward. Any direction of attack would work just as long as Gwenevere's head came off. That's the beauty of Hydra, a headhunter who had the magic to swap heads across bodies. Off with one head and on with the next. With each head Hydra wore, her personality changed. But while there were subtle changes in character, Hydra had always been Hydra. Different look, different speech, but always good-hearted and in control of her actions-until Gwen. Gwenevere lacked a heart, let alone goodness. Plus, her idea of being in control meant controlling everyone else, no matter what was best for Camelot. That's what made her dangerous.
If I used Excalibur to remove Gwenevere's head, the sword's holy magic would sever the connection to Hydra, and that vile, conniving Gwen would become nothing more than a decrepit skull. Of course, I had no idea what that would do to Hydra and if she would return to her old self with a new head on her shoulders. Before Hydra started using Gwenevere's head, Hydra had a few lucid moments a day, breaking through Gwen's tyrannical existence. Though it had been weeks since I'd seen a trace of Hydra's wobbly multicolored eyes shining through.
A hand grabbed my shoulder and jerked me, pulling me back to the here and now. Mordred gestured angrily. I did the same in return and mouthed, You were supposed to go left, moron! You're in the way! Move! I raised Excalibur to hurry him along.
He shook his head and pointed down the hall. A little cloud of glitter drifted across the floor. My gut frosted over. Gwenevere's guard beast was coming. If I listened carefully, I could hear the clip-clop of hooves.
Enchanted crystal cats decorated the room like a sparkly alarm system. They heard the clip-clop too and started sleepily meowing to alert their master.
"What is it, my little ones? Mummy's right here." Gwen yawned and stretched her arms.
"Hide!" Mordred whispered.
I turned to jump in the closet, but Mordred grabbed me by the collar of my tunic and yanked me to the ground. With a swift twist, he rolled us under the bed. The space was cramped, my back resting on Mordred's chest. I couldn't breathe. The feeling of claustrophobia was overwhelming. This was made worse by Gwenevere's large girth. Her weight taxed the bed's crossbeams, bowing them toward the floor.
The kitties yowled louder. "Yes, yes, I'm up." One massive cankle thudded to the floor. Then the other.
I half expected to hear, Fee Fi Fo Fum.
Mordred grabbed my hip and pulled me back, drawing me nearer to the center of the bed. Nearer to him.
Then in the distance, I saw it. More glitter. The painted glossy hooves that belonged to the pink, poofy, two-foot-tall terror, Mr. Fluffypants, the last remaining teacup unicorn-nightmare hybrid. Two weeks ago I made the mistake of mocking him. I still had the second-degree burns on my thigh to remind me of my error. From now on, even if a creature looks like a hot-pink pony, I'll remember that it can still change into a flaming, carnivorous, glitter demon in a snap.
Mordred tugged on my hip again, though not to bring me closer. His fingers deftly unlaced the pouch at my side. I smacked his hand, but he persisted. He was not to be deterred from the holy grail, which was disguised as an inkwell. I still didn't quite understand all the powers it had. But Mordred did. And he was obsessed with it. Obsessed with somehow using it to go back in time to beat Arthur and see his family. I'd thought he'd given that up in my service.
Guess I was wrong.
The hand wrestling came to a draw, or rather we both lost because the grail fell out of the pouch and skittered away from us.
"What is this?" Gwen reached down and picked up the glowing glass. "I wonder what else is down there." Her musing filled me with dread as she tossed a treat under the bed, which rolled right next to my leg. "Mr. Fluffypants, fetch!" Fluffy snorted and dived, his breath scalding. He licked up the treat up and bit down on my pants, dragging me out. Mordred let go quickly. He may have even given me a push.
It didn't save him.
Fluffy's braided mane turned to flame as he dived back under the bed and hauled out the dark knight, leaving scorch marks on Mordred's breaches.
"I see we have two rats," Gwen said, twirling the grail in her hand. "Really, I have to say I'm shocked."
"And here I thought my disgust was obvious." I scowled. "You think I haven't noticed that the only refugees you want to let in are all male and all cute. Day by day, you've been usurping the power of the throne and turning Camelot into your own personal fortress of fanboys. You don't care at all about stopping Blanc and Morte. So we came to stop you." Or at least I thought it was we. Now I wasn't so sure. Mordred stayed silent, his eyes still on the grail.
"I knew you didn't share my views of the future." She ran the back of her hand down my cheek. "I'm just surprised it took you so long to do something about it. And so poorly too. I thought I had taught you better. That really is a disappointment. However, it reaffirms my actions." She clapped, and her personal guard arrived. "Bring it."
"What are you up to?" I asked Gwen.
"I supported your claim to the throne. It was the easiest way to retain my place in Camelot. But then I learned you had fooled me. You were not Rex, the once and future king, but a scullery maid in disguise. Now that the knights of the triangular table have returned, if they found out, they would form a coup and kick us both out. So I suppressed that witch Hydra so she couldn't spill my plans to get rid of you."
I snorted. "So you think that if I'm gone, they'll follow you?"
"No, I tried that when Arthur died." She traced the line of her neck. "It didn't end well. The people here are rooted in their myths and bound to the old ways. Therefore, I still need a king to my queen." There was a knock at the door. And then someone who looked exactly like me entered. But since I was standing right here, it had to be Mic, the Mimicman.
"That's pretty smart. Use his abilities to impersonate me, and he'll stay by your side and act like a good puppet because he's a coward." That barb was aimed at Mic. He didn't dispute it since it was the truth.
Gwen's smile twisted, making her look even uglier than normal. "And Mordred will not move against me as long as I hold the grail."
Mordred closed his eyes and sighed. "Aye. 'Tis true."
Every curse I knew streamed out of my mouth plus a few new ones I came up with on the spot. I continued spewing insults even after the guards snapped an iron mask on my face. I enjoyed seeing Mordred flinch as I unleashed them all.
"This way no one will see you for who you are, and I can still keep you nearby to use as a bargaining chip with Blanc." Gwen clapped her hands. "I hope you are taking notes. That is how you actualize a plan. Visualize and follow through. Class is dismissed."
She waved me away, and the guards carted me off.
"Oh, I nearly forgot," she called and strode after me. "I'll be taking this." She pulled Excalibur from its sheath at my side. It glowed and glimmered. "I've always wanted this."
The sword vibrated, humming. Within moments it screeched and burst into dust.
I laughed. "Guess it didn't feel the same way about you."
"Take her to the tower!" Gwen yelled. "It won't be soon enough before I forget you're there."