Banished

8: The End of the World

"Tip #2: If the world is in imminent danger of destruction and a quest must be taken, be the first hero to hold up your hand and say, 'Not it.'"

-The Coward's Guide to Seeming Heroic

8
The End of the World (No, I'm Not Fine)
Rexi

Fluffy white wisps drifted along the floor under the stacks of clutter and junk in the storage warehouse. A patch of white floor broke apart near Mordred's feet, giving him a view of the ground miles below. "By all that's unholy, what manner of sorcery be this?" Mordred wore a horrified look on his face when he realized he was standing on a cloud. Then the fierce dark knight shrieked like a nursery school kid as he scrambled on top of the nearest solid surface he could find.
I sighed. I could watch that all day. "If only I had a spellphone to record you now," I told him.
"I'm sure I've got one here somewhere." Hydra fiddled with her head, screwing it on properly with a squishy pop. "Ah, that's better. Now we're back in business." She picked up a marble from the ground and chucked it at a wall. It ricocheted around the pile of junk until it hit a piece of sheet metal. The metal flipped over, revealing the front of a sign: SPARE PARTS WAREHOUSE. "It's good to be back in control. And to show my appreciation, I'll give you the family price. Pay an extra ten percent above whatever the tag says."
"That doesn't sound like a good deal at all," I said.
She shrugged. "I never really liked my family. But I'm stuck with 'em anyhow, and now I consider you one of them."
"Um...thanks, I guess?"
With a grumbly noise in her throat, she spit into her hand and then smoothed out the white streak in her orange hair. "Don't mention it."
"How can thou be so calm about this?" Mordred balanced precariously on top of a three-legged chair. "We hath died, and this is heaven." He looked around at the expansive piles of junk. "Or hell."
"Oh, grow a pair. Or buy some. I have extras," Hydra said, shooting another marble right at one of the legs of Mordred's perch. It cracked off, sending him sprawling onto the fluffy white floor. When he didn't fall through, he stopped hyperventilating.
I helped him stand. "Things have changed since your time, old man. Welcome to cloud storage. Home to all manner of extra crap, giants, and basically anything else that doesn't really belong. Like us."
"But how did we come to be here? We were just in Camelot. Then a wink later, we were not."
Blink, but he was closer than usual.
Still, this was the first time he'd witnessed Hydra's head swap. I gave him a quick tutorial on the process. Hydra was a headhunter. Each head had its own personality and house that popped up when in place. And since we were in Gwen's house during the swap...
"We ended up here," I summed up.
Hydra tsked her tongue. "I knew I shoulda destroyed that Gwennie head ages ago. Barking mad and rotten when I found it, and age ain't mellowed the power-hungry cuckoo out of her." Bending over, Hydra stuck her head through the clouds, leaving her butt in the air. "Mrph morph morphing murr murr."
"Yeah, I didn't catch that," I said.
She popped back up, grabbed Mordred and me by the ears, and yanked us through with her. We could see the world below like an upside-down periscope.
I wished I couldn't.
Once upon a time, the view would have been spectacular. Now it was just scary as hex. Large swaths of land that should have been green with tiny dots of buildings and people milling around had been reduced to barren, blackened, scorched earth. Sherwood Forest was twisted and overgrown, more marshland than forest. I looked toward where the Emerald palace should have been. There was nothing. Not even sparkling ruins. Just white space.
"That spot there." Mordred pointed out at the blank space. "How did our enemies manage that?"
"They didn't," Hydra said matter-of-factly.
"It's because there's nothing left," I guessed. "The House of Emerald has been wiped out. Verte, Dorthea, King Henry, Queen Em...all dead."
"Close." Hydra disappeared, and I felt a hand grasp my collar and yank me back up. "Verte is the only one who is truly dead. The rest are in the world of the Storymakers. Our resident Storymaker, Dot, has lost her way, and this world is withering, vanishing as a result."
"You seem to be a great sorceress. Can you not do something?" Mordred asked.
Hydra shook her head sadly. "Even with my inventory, I don't have a Storymaker's heart."
A fire bubbled inside me. "Oh, spell no. I did not die a magillion times to spend my last life hanging around waiting to vanish, drown, or burn."
Mordred stood tall and straightened his tunic, all traces of uneasiness gone. His ember-sparked eyes stared into mine. "Normally, I would say 'tis not my fight. I only wish to change mine own past. Yet I cannot do so with my present and future falling apart. So I will be yours-ally, that is." Then he added as an afterthought, "And in return, you will owe me a favor of my choosing."
I sighed. "Of course I will."
Hydra clapped. "Oh, good. So an impossible quest it is. Been forever since I took on one of those. Best stock up on supplies then." She plucked a knapsack from the heap and gestured to her vast hoarding piles, which seemed bigger than last time I looked. "I'll even give you a bulk price. Twelve percent over sticker."
"Rotted mercenaries the pair of you," I grumbled and started sifting through materials to find anything useful. "I'm the one who's supposed to be the thief."
Hydra's knapsack was similar to Dorthea's princess purses. There was a portal inside that led to a mini storage chest, so it held far more than the outside suggested.
Hydra packed a separate traveling salesman suitcase. She wouldn't let us see the contents. She said it was backup. Mordred picked through the stuff and also found useful things for our journey, including skeleton keys with the bones still attached. As for me, I need one thing...
"It's here, isn't it?" I could sense it. "Excalibur."
"Of course it is. It goes where it's needed to the master of its choosing. And it knows you're going on a suicide quest, so it probably wants to say good-bye," Hydra said with a shrug.
"Any chance you've seen a sword sticking out of a big chunk of granite?"
"Nope." She pointed to the locked glass case. "If I did, I would have marked it up since it would be a guaranteed sale."
"The sword is yours to command. Simply call it to you," Mordred instructed.
"Here sword, sword, sword. Come out, come out, wherever you are."
Mordred groaned. "Excalibur is not a hog. Ye must do it like this." He strode over and stepped behind me, taking my hand in his. "Put thine palm facing out. Good," he murmured, the stubble of his cheek brushing my ear. "Now close thine eyes. See it in thy mind like an extension of thyself. Order that it return to its master."
I did as he asked, which was not easy with an audience. His nearness was...uncomfortable. Blocking that out, I imagined I felt the hilt of Excalibur against my palm, and I called the sword home to me. I heard a clang as items shifted, and then I felt a rush of wind and something smack against my hand.
It was not a sword. Swords are not squishy. I was afraid to open my eyes, but I did anyway.
"Eww." One of Hydra's spare parts rested in my hand. A spinal column with some bits still attached.
I dropped it and wiped my hand on Mordred's sleeve. "Yeah, nice try. Thanks anyway."
Mordred tried to nudge the spine with his shoe, but it inched away. "I think it worked just fine."
"No way. You're kidding me. That can't be Excalibur." I gagged a bit, staring at it.
Hydra cackled, shutting her case. "Excalibur will manifest according to its master needs. And apparently, you seem to need more backbone."
Mordred slapped me across the back and crowed. "That sword always had a sense of humor."
Hydra smiled a toothless grin that still managed to look predatory. "I'm glad you are in good spirits because you are going to lead us through Morgana La Fey's caverns."
Mordred's mirth vanished, the sparkle of it snuffed out instantly. "No."
Hydra plopped on the ground, the cloud making a crater where she landed. "Oh, good. Certain death if we stay here."
Mordred growled and grabbed Hydra by the front of her shirt, lifting her off the ground by a few inches. "Certain death if we enter."
"True," Hydra said, twirling her fingers around the hair coming out of her ear. "But at least it's a more interesting way to go out."
I raised my hand. "I vote for least certain death." I stepped closer to Mordred. "I don't ask for stuff. It's icky...and there's a debt to repay, and feeling tied to someone else, and ugh..." I cringed. "But I'm asking you to help me. And you already said I would owe you a favor. So we have a contract, and you aren't an oath breaker."
Mordred huffed and dropped Hydra with an ooph. "Even if I wanted to take you to the caverns, I can't. The entrance was lost when my mother disappeared."
"Is that all?" Hydra rolled back and forth like a beetle, trying to stand. Once up, she patted her case. "Well, I have that covered, so let's go."
We walked out of the warehouse and saw the upper kingdoms ravaged by ozmosis. The bean stalk lay felled and decaying on the ground along with tree-size splinters from the remains of the giant's home.
"So..." Then I asked the obvious, "How do we get down?"
"I can't do everything." Hydra pointed to the knapsack I carried. "You figure it out."
I rolled my eyes. "I was afraid you were gonna say that. I don't suppose you still have a giant pair of underwear lying around for a parachute?"
She grinned. "For the right price, I might have something better."
"Spell's bells. I'm gonna have to give you the entire treasury of Camelot when this is over, aren't I?"
"At least," she cackled and went back inside to grab our ride down.