The craziest story in wattpad

First and last chapter

I wake up in the morning, it's currently 3 am. This is usually the time I wake up. I know, it's quite late? I drag my fat legs to the bathroom. It smells like shit in here with cocroaches climbing the walls and I see a mouse in the shower. I say a quick hallo to my only friends and turn on the water faucet. I don't even wait for the dark yellow water to get clear, I just splash my face with the pee-like water.

I quickly dry my face with the towel, but I make sure to shake it, so there is no insects on it.

After staring at myself for about 5 min in the foggy and nasty mirror, I hear my stomach grumble. I guess it's time for my daily dose of vitamins.

I run downstairs making sure I don't trip on the huge mountains of clothings, trash and other stuff I picked from the landfill. I open the fridge and see a dead mouse. Poor guy. I quickly grab the 3 weeks old sandwich that I found in MacRonald's garbage and put it on my dirty plate, that has some worms crawling around. Must be from the bread crumbs. I take a glass and fill it with the yellow water. This is my juice.

After eating my delicious food, I burp and fart. I make sure to smell it. The smell is better than any air freshener you can find. I look at my watch which reads 5 am. Now I make myself ready for work. I don't really like my job, it's very boring. You know, i would rather roam the landfill than the botanic garden in Manhattan. But I guess that's my job, collecting dead butterflies and feeding it to the monkies. And what do I earn, you ask? Just about a few insects and spiders. That are usually dead.

Anyways, I open the door and I'm immediately greeted by a huge blow of warm breeze, fog, smog and dust. What a great weather. Usually at this time in the morning it's very busy but today it's very quiet, I only see a few flying cars and people with their pig pet, that can fly.

Now I walk down the street and greet one of my friends, Mr. KRABS Joseph Stalin Ramsey. I give him a quick hand shake, but I end up with slimy hands. ah Mr. KRABS, every morning he has this green slime on his hand. He never tells me what it is. I even once licked it, it wasn't that bad to be honest.

Some streets away, I hear gun shots an screams, here we go again the drug dealer war. I probably should be scared, you say. But believe me I have been here so many times, I know the deal.
I walk past one of the guys, who by the way had an RPG in his big muscular hands. I quickly lick my lips.
"*wolf whistle* you sexy hot potato, come here. Daddy has some goodies for you" I hear the guy shouting at me. I look at him for one second and see his white face. He has no eyebrows, no he is not Jeffree Star, well more like Patrick star. But anyways he got small eyes that glow and a very thin lips, he smiles at me and I see that he also has some of his teeth missing, to be exact the two large front teeth. Oh he is also bald.

I smile back and turn around to walk to my destination. I make sure not to trip on the dead bodies on the floor and I also grab a bottle of glass and fill it with the blood that was pouring out of the body. You can drink it, it's tasty. You don't have to be a vampire for that. And it's free hemoglobin.

And now I'm infront of the huge botanic garden, not gonna lie it's beautiful here, but I don't like it.

"you are late again, to be exact by 0.000000000012 trillion billion million thousand hundreds seconds. You know this has consequences, right? It means no insects and spiders for today." my ugly colleague shouted.
"sorry" I'm not really sorry.

I put my apron on and grab the waste bin, I see a few bread pieces. Who would throw that away? I quickly grab them and put them in my back pocket. That would be my lunch.

I go around the garden looking for dead butterflies and insects. It's always fun to look at the small kindergarden children who run around while screaming coz they are being chased by some blood thirsty pirañha butterflies. Yes they do exist. I once got bitten by one of those and developed crippling depression. But I'm fine again.
Well not really, I still get seizures and bloody shat, but I'm doing better.
Anyways, as I said it's fun to watch them little kids running around, because usually they trip and fall in alligator den and.....yes let's just say I have to clean the blood and the boney shit of those gators. I mean they get their free food.

That day I had to clean the gators area once again, already the 19th time this week and Monday was yesterday. I also fed the monkies. But wasn't allowed to take some of the butterflies home. I guess I have to wait till morning to eat.

Currently it's 9 pm and I make my way home. At night, it's very beautiful you can see other planets like mars, Jupiter and also earth, I always wondered if there are other living creatures on other planets, especially earth. But I guess I will never find out.

I'm just casually walking home, when out of sudden I hear a loud thunder and with it the pouring acid rain. I once again quickly grab my bottle of glass which is now empty and fill it with the acid rain. My juice for tonight. I always love it when mother nature gives you free food.

On my way home I walked past a satanic ritual, they were so kind, they gave me a human head and told me God bless. You don't really find nice people nowadays.

I walk to my apartment complex and hear loud noises. People talking, singing, screaming and banging, just  the usual stuff. Some of them are preparing their food, which is usually human heart and human finger french fries. I look down at the human head I was holding in my hand and saw how it's tongue twitched, at that moment I realized that I'm actually vegan.

So I knocked on my neighbors door, it took him a few minutes to respond. But eventually he opened the door. I gave him the head and a head. I licked my mouth and said goodbye to him.

I open my door and switch on the lights, that started to fleaker. Oh no here goes my seizjgftygvghjjiojbvgggvxdtyvccddfftyyujbfswqeetfyygu in kjbhgxtfhjvujjbfsstuhvjijcdatijgsooojhbgf sweet yuioknbfdsryujbcdswryiplkmncxsweyihikkhgubfswryionbcgjhgihujhiiokhhijvyfdryiojhgdgjghhhokbgyio. Okay I'm better now.

Now that I'm done with my seizure I quickly go to the kitchen to make some butterfly salad. I open my fridge and see a fly flying out and the same dead mouse from morning but now some maggots were feasting on it. I guess it's free real estate for them.  I look around and see no food. I'm really hungry. What should I do?

I go into the bathroom and grab some of the cocroaches from the walls and toilet bowl. I quickly roast them and make them crispy. I take them and sit on my dirty dusty sofa and turn on the TV.

" Breaking news, for the first time in million years, scientists have found living creatures on earth, they call themself humans, like our daily supermarket meat "human", they walk on two legs and talk in a very weird way. Today as our guest, who knows more about these absurd creatures,  Dr. Dr. Dre Johnson Dwane Cena Einsteinum Frankum Hilttler. Hallo, Dr. Dre can you tell us a little bit more abort these things that call themselves "human"?

*Well, yes. As you already mentioned, they walk on two legs, one right and one left, they talk in quite a few different dilects, usually depending on the origins.

+so there are different types of humans?

*yes, so far we have found humans, in different shapes, skin colorations like white, dark, brown, chocolate brown and black. Some of them have very narrow eyes and some very large eyes. Currently we estimate that there might be humans called, African, Asian, European, American, Australian and South American. But that's the only information I have so far.

+Is there any possibility of the humans attacking us? Or even worse kill us?

*well, the chances are very narrow since these humans aren't very smart, and their organization, which is called sanctus Illuminatus, isn't that big like ours, we don't really see any danger in the humans. But that does not mean they don't see any danger in us.

+If they aren't that smart, does that mean we can wipe them out and control earth?

* Right now the 3 headed alliance is actually discussing the same topic, and how we could destroy these things without them noticing. I have to say that there are ideas like, lasers that create huge wildfires or huge waves of heat that imbalances the earth's temperature and it's vegetative system. This could cause huge ice melt down, which can flood everything and everyone, we even thought about shaking the earth. But the most recent idea is war between the humans, this way they can just destroy themselves. We just need to watch and after they are wiped out we can think of other plans, like how to restore earth.

+Well, that sounds great, thank you so much for your time. And dear viewers you heard it, our time has come. Thank you, till next time"

I shut off the TV. Wow I just thought about earth today. I wonder how life is up there. I look at my watch. 11pm. I should probably go to sleep now.

I walk to my room and jump into my bed and close my eyes. And once again like every night I wonder if aliens exist.