Midnight Thoughts

Where my Heart Is

I open up my eyes and take in my reflection. My friends and family didn't fall short on making me look like a princess. It made me smile as they put the finishing touches in place before stepping back to admire me. I nod at them, lost for words, and smile widely at them. They smile back, all so happy for me. The little crowd around me disperses into the room as they all go to finish getting ready.

I may have looked like a princess, but I didn't feel like one.

As I'm standing up my best friend comes over and hugs me tightly.

"I'm so happy for you!" She whispers. "How are you feeling?"

"Nervous," I laugh.

"I've been dreaming of this day for you for so long, I'm so happy it's finally here!" She squeals.

She really has been dreaming of this day for me since we were younger. A beautiful wedding and me marrying the most amazing man who would take care of me. I dreamed of this too, but today didn't feel like that of what I dreamed. I hug her back tightly, wishing I could cry right there and tell her the truth.

This isn't where my heart was.

"I'm going to go to the room next door," I whisper. "I need some time alone."

"Of course," she says.

I walk away from all the chaos and into the room next door, shutting and locking the door behind me. I needed time to think. My feet carry me to the balcony, where I look out at the beautiful mountain terrain. This is all so perfect, but I don't feel as happy as I should be.

"What am I doing wrong?" I mutter.

A sigh leaves my lips as I stand there lost in my thoughts, which are soon interrupted by arms wrapping around my waist. I tense up a little, but relax. This feeling felt comforting. It felt like home, and that made my eyes well with tears.

"Are you okay?" A gentle, masculine voice comes from behind me.

"Yeah," I choke out. "I'm fine. You shouldn't be here."

"You sent me the invite," the voice responds.

"It was to be cordial," I lie.

I turn around and come face to face with the beautiful male who had his arms wrapped around my waist still.

"I thought you had a fiancée," I try to sound unfazed by him. "I don't think she'll appreciate you hugging up on me."

He tenses up, "You know I ended the engagement. I wasn't happy."

He looks at me softly, his eyes were full of love and pain. I saw the emotions swirling in his beautiful blue eyes. The same emotions causing a storm inside me.

"You look beautiful," he laughs. "He's a lucky man, he got the most amazing woman in the world."

"Thanks."

Silence.

"You know you don't have to marry him, right?" He finally says after a few heartbeats.

"Everyone thinks I'm happy with him," I try to reason. "They think I'm marrying happy."

"When you're not," he whispers. His arms tighten around me.

"Leave me alone," I try to yell.

It only came out as a whisper.

Tears filled my eyes and I turned away. I needed to get away from him. My mind told me to get away from him, or to tell him to leave, but my heart said otherwise. My heart said this was home. He was always home. I couldn't stop the tears from falling anymore.

"I made a mistake," he says.

"I did too," I sob.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm sorry I walked away from us. I was scared. Maybe we were both scared. Then I saw you with him and I thought you were so happy. I couldn't step in and stop that. My happiness was always your happiness, and I wanted to do the same for you."

"Well I'm not happy!" I yell. "I thought I could be happy, but every day I wake up and I tell myself to be happy for you!"

I pushed him away from me and walk to the other side of the balcony. I needed the space. Tears were falling freely now; there goes my makeup.

"Well I couldn't read your mind!" He snaps. "I thought you were happy and I tried to be too! What did you expect me to do!?"

"I don't know! I didn't even know what I wanted to do and look where we are now!" I spat.

With that said, I break down sobbing. I drop down to the ground, not caring for the white dress that clung to my body. I let the tears fall.

I feel him next to me, I feel him as he sits down on the ground next to me and pulls me to his body. I wish I could push him away, but his presence was all the comfort I needed. He always calmed me down even when he did nothing.

"I guess we both screwed up then," he tries to say with some humor.

In that moment I didn't feel like being rational. Feeling rational in my actions was what brought me here.

"Just shut up and kiss me," I mutter.

He looks at me in surprise, but I don't let him think it through or stop me. I grab his collar and pull his face to mine, connecting our lips. The moment his lips landed on mine I felt whole again for the first time in years. He pulls me closer to him, deepening the kiss.

We pull away and he lays his forehead against mine, just like he always did in the past.

"I'm sorry that me not understanding myself or what I wanted brought us here," he says.

I shake my head. "I'm sorry too. For not listening to you when you finally came around. I thought that I could live with this."

"I just kissed his wife to be," he chuckles. "I don't think this is healthy darling."

"I don't love him," I sigh. "I thought maybe I could settle. No one I ever came across ever compared to you in any way, and I thought you were gone for good. I didn't want to seem attached still."

"No matter how far I strayed from you, I was always there with you. My heart was always in your hands, even when I thought it wasn't."

I run my fingers across his face, making sure this was real. I couldn't help it, I kissed him again. I needed him, I always did. He was my other half. The person who sparked a fire in me that no one else ever could. I wish I just learned to not settle for what wasn't meant to be, and what didn't make me genuinely happy. The man who sat here beside me, wiping away my tears and kissing away my pain was who made all of my happiness complete. Complete in a way no one else could even try to achieve.

"I love you," he breathes.

"I love you."

He was where my heart has always been.