Is this what it means to grow up?
To hide your tears behind deluding smiles,
To say you're fine when all you need is a good cry?
Is this what it means to grow up?
To realise that you have no one to give excuses to, that you are your own trial;
To know that you will bear the consequences of your actions, every single time?
Is this what it means to grow up?
That you start seeing the second face each person hides,
That you acknowledge the fact that no one is truly nice,
That this world is just a big, scary lie?
Is this what it means to grow up?
That with bleeding wounds and a scarred soul, you learn to cover miles?
--------*--------
"Colton, I need you to trust me. Please," I said, sitting down beside him on the bed. "And it's already too late. I have to do this now." I touched his arm gently, trying to ease the tension in his muscles.
"This is not about trust, Nessie," he said, shaking my hand away and standing up to face me directly. "This one decision of yours will change your whole life."
"No-" I started to protest, but he cut me off.
"Every day, Nessie, every day, you will have to live carefully. And the worst part of this whole thing is the fact that Nate will never find out what you sacrificed for him. Not he, not his family. They will still treat you like crap," he said, his eyes directly gazing into mine.
"It's okay," I said, matching his gaze, "it's okay, Colton. What do you think? If my brother dies, will I continue to live knowing that I could have saved his life? How am I supposed to breathe peacefully? For once in life, I have started my journey of a satisfying life with you, but if Nate dies, it will all come crashing down. He's my brother, Colton. He's my twin. I love him."
Colton's eyes were laced with tears. His predicament was clearly visible from his restlessness.
"Nessie," he said, wiping away my tears, and portraying a ghostly smile. "It's your decision. Even if I don't agree with it, I will always support you."
"I want to do it," I said, my racing heartbeat serving as a constant reminder that time was flying by for Nate.
"Then do it," he said, "I'll never leave your side."
I stood up and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I love you," I said, kissing his cheek. "All the love in my heart is only for you."
"Now, let's go. There are still so many formalities to be done. We don't have time," he said, kissing my cheek in response.
I nodded and we both grabbed our wallets and hurried out of his house, where we had arrived only a few hours ago.
--------*--------
A month had flown by. My donation had been successful, Nate's transplantation had been successful, and my life was starting to revert back to normal.
Thankfully, because of the year end break, Colton and I had not missed any college days, while we were here. As nice as our life was in the new city, being back at Colton's home and meeting Gizelle, Ophelia and all others felt nice.
Vivan, too, had visited frequently. Also, no sooner had I recovered, than he had dropped a bombshell on me.
He and Zara were engaged.
I was surprised, but yet again, I wasn't. How many times had I not found it weird that Zara only opened up to Vivan? How many times had I seen Vivan's forehead crease with a frown when he did not know where Zara was? Maybe those were the tiny steps towards this big one. And I was utterly and truly glad for them.
Today was the last day that Colton and I would be staying here. Our flights had been booked for the next morning. To bring an end to this bittersweet reunion, we were having a mini get together in the evening. Just Colton, his family, me, Ophelia, Xander, Vivan and Zara.
There was no way to say how grateful and indebted I felt to these people. Even though we all were not exactly close as friends earlier, these past few weeks had brought us closer. In an extremely odd way, the universe had created new friendships between us. For example, I and Ophelia had grown closer, Vivan and Xander had become buddies, and well, everyone had just gotten attached to everyone else.
Mona called me everyday. She was the only one missing everything. But, according to her, what was worse was that she wasn't with me during such a time. I assured her everyday that it was fine, but she was Mona. Her remorse and guilt rose to new heights everyday.
I walked down the aisles of the supermarket, not really looking for anything. Colton and I had come to buy a few things for tonight's get together. He was probably ticking things of his list right now, as I randomly wandered around. I knew that I should be helping him, but he had said that it was fine. He wanted me to just relax and enjoy peace for one more day.
I did not understand what peace he was talking about. Sure, my peace was destructed the day I got Vivan's phone call informing me about Nate's condition. But it had destructed further more after I had donated my kidney.
I did not understand what was wrong with me. I had been so sure of my decision. I had convinced Colton with so much determination, and my heart had been so set on it. But yet, after I had actually done it, my mind had finally stepped in.
I had started to wonder if my decision was wrong, if Nate even deserved it. I used to think that maybe I had stomped over my own life to save his. I began to question what was the use of such a sacrifice when none of them would know it was me. But as days passed, I realised what was happening to me. I was getting depressed. I was jealous; of whom, of what, I did not know. I was craving attention. I was becoming selfish.
The moment the realisation had struck me, I had taken a stand against myself. I had let go of those thoughts, shook my head firmly when they knocked on the doors of my mind, and shut my eyes tightly when they threatened to block my vision. It took me a week to emerge victorious. But I had done it. I had survived. I had overcome. And I was proud of myself.
This victory had been important to me because even though physically I was fine to continue with my life, mentally I wasn't. But after that win against my mind, I retraced my steps back to where my life had been paused. And I was ready to start walking again.
"Hello, can I help you with something?"
I snapped out of my thoughts and realised that I had been staring at the cereal rack for Lord knows how many minutes. I glanced sideways at the voice that had spoken.
"No, thank you." I smiled. She was a young girl, couldn't be more than my age. Maybe working here was her part time job because undoubtedly she looked like a student. I had to admit, though, that her smiling face was a refreshment in this place filled with grumpy workers.
"Well, please, ask me if you need any assistance-" she stopped midsentence. Her eyes darting away from me and landing at someone or something behind me. Her hand went up to her mouth, as if to stop herself from screaming. I frowned at her fearful demeanor and turned around to see what was behind me.
"Nessie, I've taken everything. Let's go bill-" Colton stopped dead in his tracks. His face went white and his lips parted slightly. It was clear that his eyes were transfixed at that girl.
Just what was going on?
"Colton," I said. He remained standing like a statue, lost in a trance. "Colton!"
"Huh?" he blinked.
Just then, I heard the sound of running shoes and turned around to see the girl running away.
"Wait!" I cried, but she was already out of sight.
Seriously, what was this new issue? Why again?
--------*--------
How was it? Please don't forget to vote. And please leave longgggg comments.
- Kulsum ❤
