" And we're here! Thank you for tonight," Aga said as he help her unlock the seatbelt. They were inches apart, and Lea could smell his breath, which smells like peppermint. He looked up to her and he immediately claimed for her lips, just like they would always do.
They've become as intimate as this as they went on dates, and Lea can't help but think of what their status really is.
"I had a good time with you," he said once more, as he placed a kiss on her soft lips.
Lea looked at him, sighing heavily as she tried to find the words she wanted to say to him.
"Aga, ano ba talaga tayo?"
His silence made her heart skip a beat. Isn't there a saying that once you took a long time to answer, it usually means something negative?
He finally spoke after what seemed to be an eternity. "I can't say that we're just friends because we go beyond that, and I don't want to take this friendship for granted," he answered as he reach for her hands and intertwined it with his. He kissed her knuckles and smiled, "Y-you're special."
Lea smiled back at him, "You too. You're special for me. Pero ganun na lang ba ang sagot mo sa akin everytime I would ask you?" She looked straight into his deep brown eyes, so deep she felt like drowning. "Naguguluhan na ako. Can we make it clear this time? Can we now use a more defined word about what this is? Whatever this is? "
He immediately withdrew his hands from hers and looked away. "Lea you know--,"
She sighed and leaned her back to her seat. "Alam ko natatakot ka, pero please, can't we at least try? Sugalan mo naman ako. Subukan mo namang ipaglaban ako, kung ano ang meron tayo."
He looked farther away, avoiding eye contact. She likes to think that this is a sign that he wouldn't want to commit into something that he isn't ready for, but it just keeps hurting her.
"Hanggang kailan mo ba ikukulong ang sarili mo sa nakaraang hindi ka naman natutulungan? Hanggang kailan mo ba ipagkakait sa sarili mong maging masaya?"
He sighed, exasperated. "And you think making this an official relationship would release me from the past and make me happy?" she looked at him like he was an entirely different person. Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn't really the man Lea thinks he is. He wanted to take all the words back, but it's too late.
"So ano pala 'to, Aga? Past time? Ano pala ako?" she is so close to crying, and he hated seeing her this way. " Pampalipas oras hanggang sa handa ka na? "
"Lea naman, wag mo akong iyakan." But that made her cry even more.
"Mahal na kita, eh. Pero hindi pala sapat yun para piliin mo ako."
She opened the car's door and was about to go out when he held her arm. He was about to say he loves her too, but all his thoughts vanished when she looked at him with eyes full of sorrow and sadness.
He had to. He had to lie.
"I c-cannot love you, Lea. I cannot break you."
"It's not you, Lea. God knows it's not you. I can't be there for you. I can't. I'm too much of a coward to imagine a future with you. I would love to, but I can't. Losing my family has left a gaping hole in my heart, and it wouldn't be right to use you as a band-aid. You're not a temporary fix, babe. You're permanent. You deserve to be with someone who will stick with you and stand by you. I can't be him. Not now. Not yet. " He said as he hugged her tight.
"Kailan ka susugal? Kapag wala na? Di lang ikaw yung nawalan, ako rin. But I chose to move on. I chose to move forward at ituloy yung laban," she answered back without breaking the hug and sobbing.
He pulled out from the hug and place his hands on her shoulders, "You have to understand. You lost someone, I lost everyone. They were taken away from me. My whole life, i've known nothing, but them. Everything I did, I did for them. You chose to move on? Good for you. But this is the first time that I am alone, I need to choose myself. I need to focus on me. I need to heal. I need to do many things, Lei. I need to do them alone. I need to know if I can do it alone. This is not a risk i'm willing to take, if it means I might lose you in the process. "
"Ganito pala yon. Ganito pala yung pakiramdam ng hindi ka kayang ipaglaban," she sobbed as she tried hard to speak without her voice breaking. "Ganito pala yung pakiramdam na hindi ka sapat para subukan ng isang tao na magbago at magpatuloy sa buhay. I moved on because I wanted to be with you. I changed my perspective in life hoping you would do too. But maybe, just maybe, I am not the right person to make you do the same."
"That's the problem. You changed yourself for me. Love doesn't work that way. You need to change for you, for you to grow, for you to be stronger. I shouldn't be the reason. I can't be the reason. Love shouldn't change you, you should change for you."
People always change something for the people they love. If they don't, it's not love. He just didn't want her to change entirely for him.
"I didn't change just for you. It is my decision, and you are part of it. But then I guess, mali ako. Tama ka siguro, na ikaw yung pinipili ko at pinagsisiksikan ang sarili ko sa bagay na di naman para sa akin. Ayaw kong bumitaw kasi anlayo na eh. Nandito na tayo. Ready ako to hold you, but if you keep on shooing me away para bitiwan ka, wala na rin sigurong patutunguhan to."
Tears are flowing down her cheeks. She invested so much in this that as much as she can, she would do everything to make this work. She's pretty sure they had mutual feelings, but being pretty sure is an entirely different matter from being definite. She needs to know. She needs to. They are not getting any younger for a relationship with no definite label.
" I'm sorry, Lea. I can't. "
"So, is this goodbye?" she asked as she sniff and sob.
He bowed his head, and she knew right then the answer. She took his hand one last time as she pulled him closer to her.
"I hope you won't be like Orpheus. Don't look back for what had been lost. Look straight to the destination and heaf back to the world. I-I'm waiting," she whispered as she buried her face on his chest and hug him tight.
"Don't let death overpower your love," she said one last time as she tiptoed and kiss him on his lips. "I love you."
Lea turned her back at him, but still hoping he would take her. But he didn't. The next thing she knew, he drove away from her and she watch as his car vanished from her sight.
Why is it that when you get the slightest chance to be happy, you get so scared that you push it away? That's what he did that night. He pushed her away. He kept pushing her away, until she no longer wanted to be pushed away. She didn't try anymore. She stopped trying. She never came back.
And that was the end of our story.
We were happy, we were. We had a great story, perhaps one of the greatest ones, but just like any other story, we must end; so we did.
We ended.
Permanently.
