Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

Maybe I'm Not Enough

Dear Crush,

 I've tried every day. I've tried my best to be enough. To be worth the time. I refuse to go to a therapist because no one needs to have to deal with my problems except me. I guess you could say that it's not their problem. You could say I am jealous. That I am hormonal. Only a teenage girl who doesn't know what she wants. Well, you're the one wrong. I know what I want, and it's something I can't have. I never could have it because I never was and never will be worth it. I know I'm being selfish, I don't deserve these things. There were so many girls that night who deserved you. You once asked me why I liked you. I don't know why I fell for you in the first place, but I know why I keep falling for you. Here is a list of just a few reasons:

-You're caring, you ask if I'm ok

-You listen to me, when I get angry or need to rant, you listen to all of it 

-You're a gentleman, this is only something I found out later because at first, you were nothing  short of a butthole

-You always make me laugh when I am upset

-You tolerate my ever-changing moods and know when to give me space 

-You respect me as a person

-You are intelligent

-You are real and don't give me fake reasons and promisesMost of all, you are you. I won't deny that I think you are cute. Some of your words that you don't remember saying still ring through my ears like the chiming of church bells. I have never liked someone and had the courage to get to know as well as I have with you. And still, the fact that I have a...crush on you lingers between us like a wall. One made up of a single letter and hundreds of words. Smiles and laughter stick to that wall. Every good thing sticks to that wall as if the word crush is made of glue. And yet, it is like a one-sided window. That wall or window if you prefer-is made of pristine glass and you can see the other clearly with no hint of attachment besides friendship. The other side is sticky with glue and littered with the special words and moments shared between us. We are on opposite sides. You see me clearly, no attachment to me besides being my friend. I am on the blind side. Blinded by liking you. Those words? Those moments? They cover my side and leave just enough to see the person I hate the most. Me. And why? I love myself between every crush. I loved myself when I stopped liking Dylan. That side I'm on? It's like a mirror, it shows me as something not like the other girls. It doesn't show my personality and how I feel, it just shows how I look. How I'm different from those others. It shows my fat thighs and stomach. It shows how out of proportion I am. That wall between us shows not how you or anyone else sees me, it shows how I see myself when I am around you. That wall that is every bit of affection I have for you shows me the worst parts of me. I see the other girls around me who are thinner, have longer hair, long and thin legs, clear skin, no glasses, decent family, and a good body. I looked up the definition of a crush in the English dictionary. Want to know what it said? It said: "A brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable." Let's break that down, shall we? I've liked you for the whole school year. Is that brief? I guess so. Infatuation? That's not a word you see every day. You might be able to say that I've been infatuated with you. Now, are you unattainable? Well, I can answer that with certainty. You have always been unattainable. Never once have you had feelings for me in any way. I've been trying to change that. Obviously, I've failed time and time again. God, why did I even try to write this? I apologize for being a nuisance, I apologize for trying so hard. I apologize for causing so much trouble. I apologize for yelling at you. I apologize for fusing and trying to control you. I can't, and I have no right. I never did. I'm not your mother, I'm not related to you. So really, why did I even try to tell you all this....this mess of thoughts and feelings? You could never understand. I'm not good enough for you. You are...way out of my league. I'm not worth the time, trouble, or pain. I don't know if I'll ever give this to you, or if you'll ever read this, but I thought that writing this down in words would help. Maybe if you read this that will help too. But I have to say this now before I lose the courage or regret it. I love you.

                                                                                                                                                        - Me